Rejection – what am I missing here?

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This topic has 19 replies, 6 voices, and was last updated 10 years, 9 months ago by ztwilliams.

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February 3, 2014 at 7:05 pm #50238
Lily
Participant
This is just a post following my from a couple of weeks ago and Im trying to understand and really make sense of rejection. And why it seems so hard to get over someone I didnt know a great deal, was long distance and chose someone else in spite of really getting to know me (and I would have been only couple of hours away from him in 2 months).

I get it, I get that this is NOT about me. I did my best, showed up authentically at all points and was caring. He made his choice. And a big part of me knows that his choice had a lot to do with him being lonely, wanting approval and attention and seeking a ‘warm body’ than someone who truly cared and appreciated him (but was thousands of miles away at that moment). Or whatever. I also get that I can do better than someone like this and that I was right to walk away from the proposed friendship because it would hurt me.my self-esteem and destroy any chances of having an actual friendship when I heal. I responded with honesty and kindness, telling him that there is a friendly heart here, to hang around, that I refuse to give anything right now and that I would revisit this in 6 months.

(and of course, he refuses to have any kind of actual dialogue about it, or reply to my email… perhaps cant be bothered, hes happily away in his la-la land).

Ive grown, this person has taught me a lot (or life has) and I have truly started appreciating myself so much more, my self-talk is kinder and more appreciative, I am in self-care mode, caring for myself as a wounded child…. I have also opened up spiritually, praying everyday, which has had amazing benefits. I know I’m stronger, courageous and willing to be vulnerable. I know that I’ll meet someone more worthy of me, who values open communication, is of greater integrity. knows choices have consequences etc . Not once through this have I questioned my self-worth or what I bring to the table (a BIG thing for Lily who in the past always felt “I did this, I ruined it. It was my fault”). But I do know what to do for the next time.

YET…it hurts. I am powering through but I have moments when the sadness hits. The unfulfilled hopes and desires hurt. And my heart sinks. Some days I am angry. I feel like I was tossed away without even a second glance. Yet, I continue to pray for peace and acceptance. And for him. And try to now dwell or wonder why he did what he did (a tough one to curb, I accept).

Am I missing something here? Am I not doing something I should be? Or is it just time and patience? Do I need to understand anything about rejection that will perhaps make this journey easier…have I not grasped something crucial that I am meant to? I feel like I need to do something to feel ok, to feel better..but dont know what more to do!

Your thoughts?

Lily.
- This topic was modified 10 years, 9 months ago by Lily.
February 3, 2014 at 10:05 pm #50250

The Ruminant
Participant

Hello Lily,

I haven’t read your previous post to which this is a follow-up, so I’m basing my answer only to this one.

Of course it hurts. Rejection hurts. Hurt doesn’t go away even after personal growth. It’s part of life.

That said, I think you’d have two ways of dealing with it, though you can use both. One is to accept that it hurts. Don’t try to make the hurt go away and be frustrated with it. Acknowledging that it hurts is a great way to give yourself the acknowledgement you need and the hurt might stop. At least for a moment. It also might not stop, and then you’d just allow yourself to be hurt. Listen to your reactions and be kind to yourself.

Another way is to just change the story. Your story is now that of rejection. All the words that you use when you tell yourself and others that story is that he chose someone else over you. After that the message is mixed with, sorry to say, a bit half-hearted understanding and putting him down. So clearly, you are hurt, but how did you expect yourself to react to a storyline like that?

I’ve been through something similar and even though it actually was the thing that broke the camel’s back and pushed me onto a path of growth, that particular event still hurts me immensely if I think about it as a story of rejection and choosing someone else over me. There’s no way around it. So all I can really do is the things that I just told you: I either don’t think about it as rejection and think about it as “that’s just how things went” and stop there, or I accept the pain and allow myself to grieve. The only difference in the pain now and then is that I don’t completely panic and think that I can’t possibly survive without him. Except if I start to tell myself the story that there just isn’t anyone like him and now there never can’t be… But since I know how much pain and suffering that story causes, I don’t tell myself that.

I hope I’m making sense 🙂

February 3, 2014 at 11:41 pm #50257

Lily
Participant

Hello The Ruminant (love that name!)

Thank you for taking time to reply to me – really appreciate it 🙂

I get what you are saying, I need to either tell myself that this is not rejection or I let the pain heal in its own time. I wish I could say I dont feel rejected but I do. So while being honest with myself and sticking to my truth, I will have to go with giving myself the time to heal. Perhaps, with time, I will be able to change it to one where it is “thats just how things went”. But I dont think I am there yet, maybe wont be for a while.

I can understand that it sounded half-hearted but in all honesty, yes I am hurt, but I did mean all of that when I wrote to him. I very much care(d) about this person. I have truly tried to understand his behaviour but over months of him slowly disengaging with me, it has left me in a place where I am trying to move forward but also try and retain some bit of that friendship. How am I meant to be totally ok with that and not express my anger, frustration when I talk to someone on the outside about it? Isnt anger a positive emotion in such circumstances?

And nooo, definitely no stories along the lines of ‘no one like him and never will be’. Not telling myself any stories like that too 🙂

Thank you again! 🙂

February 4, 2014 at 12:06 am #50259

The Ruminant
Participant

You’re not meant to be totally OK with that, which is what I meant with having to accept that it hurts 🙂 And you’re definitely allowed to be angry and frustrated as well. Also, it actually did take me like two years to get to a point where I could say “that’s just how things went”, so it definitely didn’t come easily. I was in shock and completely lost at first (as this was supposed to be a very important relationship for me) and completely unable to see things clearly, because I was just thrashing around in pain. I also tried to forcefully make myself be all loving and understanding (which is why I might’ve projected the “half-heartedness” onto you). It kind of worked, but then in reality, I just had to accept the pain and allow myself to heal.

That said, think about the story of what happened as a sharp needle. Every time you tell yourself that story, you poke yourself with the needle. It will hurt, every time. I’m not telling you that you shouldn’t go through what happened in your mind and you should just “move on” (I hate that phrase), but just be aware that every time you go through it, it will hurt, though you might become a bit numb at some point (which I don’t consider to be a great thing either).

I have to run now, so I might have to come back later to finish this thought 🙂 I just saw your response and wanted to respond to that with a bit of clarification, which may or may not be clear! 🙂

February 4, 2014 at 1:31 am #50262

Karin
Participant

Dear Lily,

You’ve shown such strength already and of course it hurts. It’s ok to feel pain, you are a human being and when something touches you, you feel life running through you.

What has helped me in the past, and still does now, is to focus on what I do have. Basically it’s an exercise in gratitude. Keep a list of what you’re most grateful for and focus on that, make it a daily habit, I assure you, you will start to love your life even more.

When I tell myself stories, like The Ruminant also pointed out, I try to ask myself what can I gain from this experience? What has it taught me, what would I like to do different if it happens again and what will I need to be able to do that.
Confidence, self-respect, self-love, mildness, the ability to not take every little thing personal – that’s what I needed and that’s what I’ve been working on. Change your focus, it will help.

You said that this is not about you. And you’re right. He didn’t do this to hurt you, he made choices based on what he thought would make him happy. Everyone deserves to be happy.

So what makes you happy? Do you choose happiness?

I wish you lots of wisdom and mildness for yourself,
Karin

February 4, 2014 at 7:02 pm #50303

Lily
Participant

All good! Thank you again for taking time to clarify. I was just wondering if I was meant to be “thats just how things went” right away. Cause gosh, I would struggle with feeling that right now (its only about 2 weeks old). I do think that it is the same for me (and has been in the past too) – patience and compassion while I accept the pain and heal.

I loved your analogy about the story being a needle prick. I definitely dont want to be numb or bitter – I truly do want to get to a point where I am ok and where I can say “Thats ok, it worked out just the way it was meant to. I learnt so much from it”. I want to come out of this stronger and wiser, ready to find someone more compatible and on the same page.

I truly wish this man a great deal of happiness, I think he is a good person but Im just not able to be a part of his life right now without hurting myself or my self-esteem. Plus he hasnt shown me any actual sign that he wants me to be around or that he truly wants a friendship. Thus, I exited.

Thank you again
Lily

February 4, 2014 at 7:15 pm #50308

Lily
Participant

Thank you Karin for taking the time to reply to me 🙂

You are right, gratitude is so important in such a situation (and every situation). I do make it a point to appreciate what I have through the day but mostly when I pray. I also have found that in moments when Im feeling low or tired, remembering everything I have makes me calm down and truly appreciate the moment, my life and everything I have. I have always believed that I am immensely blessed.

Karin, I dont know what it was about your reply but I ended up crying after reading it. I think it was the last bit about “He didn’t do this to hurt you, he made choices based on what he thought would make him happy. Everyone deserves to be happy.” I know he didnt mean to hurt me and its just how things turned out..but it is SO hard for me (right now) to think of him or his choice as “He handled it the best way possible”. I just CANNOT. People know me as someone who is always kind, patient, joyful and caring ..but this one, totally outside me emotional capabilities. I know it is perhaps how I should look at it – but I cannot seem to. I know there have been a lot of lessons and clarity that I have found and perhaps more are coming, the ones that will help me change my focus.

I know we all make choices that makes us happy but does that eliminate the need for the other person to watch out and ensure that they dont hurt someone else? Is that the kind of world we all need to expect to live amongst?

A big part of me just wants to disappear and hide. Its been months of agony (hey, atleast that is almost over). But I am determined to stay in the arena and face my fears, pains head-on.

Thank you – wisdom and mildness would really help!

February 5, 2014 at 2:46 am #50323

chermich
Participant

Hi Lily, reading your post resonated with me as I am going through something very similar. It’s been 4 months and it was long distance gone bad. I didn’t recognize the person anymore, and it was sudden, from high affection to coldness within days. And the person moved on quickly to someone who was geographically nearer.

That had led to a journey to do anything to make myself feel better – meditating, finding this blog and reading articles, and learning how to let go. It has gotten easier over the months, but the pain and questions still return. That being said, when I read your post, I see a resilient person who had taken a painful situation and learned as much as she could from it. What you went through wasn’t pleasant, and it took courage to bring authenticity to the table. The emotions you feel are very natural and again it takes courage not to run away from them or hide from them. Let them come, and with love and forgiveness, let them go.

You are in a process of growth, be patient with youself, you’l get there. 🙂

February 5, 2014 at 3:06 am #50324

gams
Participant

Dear Lily,

I am going through a very similar life path at the moment. I do not know how to put back together all the pieces of my life and I’m under the impression they will never get back to where they were before. I think I have to learn to live with that and be happy despite of that. Let me tell you what makes me feel a little better:

-Realizing I’m not alone with this (and for that I have to thank you for your post)
-Thinking about what I gain through this pain. I’ve been through a whole new rainbow of feelings I didn’t know I was capable of experiencing and this reminds me of the miracle of being alive. I truly believe this will open yourself to better understanding other people. And time will show us what else there is to learn and gain from this experience.
-Being open to the idea that this has happened “for us” and not “to us”. As what you wrote, it seems to me that you did all you could do (and so did I). So if things went differently, there’s nothing else to do but to bless the situation and welcome what will come.

Thank you, and Karin and Ruminant also, for sharing your feelings and thoughts.

A big hug.

Gams.

February 5, 2014 at 3:28 am #50325

The Ruminant
Participant

By the way, what just occurred to me, reading how others have gone through the same thing… I wonder if the long distance adds to the difficulty of letting go?

The relationship isn’t as tangible as it would be when you’re physically present with another person. At least for me, I had these doubts that had I just misunderstood everything or was it all just my imagination that created this great relationship and this great person? It’s hard to face reality, when trying to cope with the loss of something that never truly actualized. So much of it was based on my imagination anyway and then to try to deal with the fact that I had first created something in my mind and then I lost it, and my mind wanted to get it back, because losing it hurt. It’s different when there’s a physical person there and the next minute they’re gone. I’m not saying that it would be any less painful. Just that it would be easier to understand the reality of the situation, which really is needed if you want to let go of the tormenting thoughts.

I also found it really difficult to try to explain to other people how painful it was for me to lose this person, who never was physically “mine”. I faced the “I can not understand how you could take it so seriously” types of comments, and there was really no way to support my own point of view. I felt like a child trying to prove that something she imagined really was real.

I don’t know… Just something that occurred to me.

February 5, 2014 at 4:14 am #50326
chermich
Participant
Dear Lily, your experience was real, and the feelings you felt were real. I had received the “what else did you expect?/ Move on” comments from well-intentioned friends and it wasn’t easy to hear. They were, in their own way, trying to be supportive. Nomatter what is said by others, itdoesn’t take away the realness of what you experienced. You went through it, it’s real for you and there’s nothing to prove.

I hear what you say about long distance, it can be harder to have clarity of what is going on and where the relationship stands. And we try to make sense of it with our experience and whatever information we have. It’s not so much imagining something that isn’t there but more of trying to make sense of the reality that you were experiencing. If there are expectations (which is normal and very human), then there is room for disappointment and hurt. At some level, you might still be looking for answers and that can make it hard to make peace with what has happened. I wonder whether you might want to try writing a letter to the person (not to be sent) and letting your questions, frustrations and emotions out. Write out what has been painful and difficult, write out what you had appreciated and learned from it and say anything that you have been harbouring, and finally end with forgiveness and goodbye if you can. It might help in making sense of what happened.

Adding to what Ruminant said, be aware of the tormenting thoughts and the story that your mind is telling you. If the story isn’t helping you and hurting you more, then see what an alternative narrative could be. You were present, real and opened your heart to care for another. While you did get hurt, you have since worked hard and taking this experience and making it something that you can learn and grow from. Let this be a story of your strength and courage. 🙂
- This reply was modified 10 years, 9 months ago by chermich.
February 5, 2014 at 4:35 am #50328

gams
Participant

I agree on the distance factor for one reason: you have more to leave to the imagination.

I think the less you know about the real life person, the more your imagination fills in the blanks. Maybe the imagination factor also happens when you just choose to see the good side of a person. I think of this as if seeing an iceberg: we get to know the tip and the rest, what remains unseen or that we choose not to see, we imagine, based on what we know and maybe adding a bit of what we want it to be.

A friend of mine told me once that “when something is not real, everything is possible”. So we can idealize the part of the iceberg that remains underwater as much as we want and it can be the most beautiful thing in the whole world. But it is just not real.

February 5, 2014 at 3:33 pm #50377

Lily
Participant

Chermich,

I am so sorry to hear that. I know exactly how that feels and I know it crushes some part of you completely. I wish I could understand why they did this but we will never know. Im not sure if you have read Brene Brown (love her!) and she talks about how disengagement is the greatest form of betrayal – it makes us feel like unworthy because the other person didnt choose us, didnt fight for us, didnt put in the effort and attention. But again, it says everything about them and nothing about us. I hope you know that too.

Four months! That is awesome! I am glad to hear that you are doing all these self-care activities to send the love to yourself and learning from all of this. I know you will get better and better. The tough times bring in changes that will make us stronger for life. I think because it hasnt even been 3 weeks yet, I have questions, thoughts, images and pain. I am doing really well though (compared to other real-life break ups). I have always tried to be authentic and I have been honest with him and myself throughout this ordeal. Thank you, I too believe (and have been told) that I am resilient and courageous….I dont feel a great deal of it right now but I’ll try to be patient 🙂 I know this situation and this person was sent to me to learn, I will do my best to learn and grown.

Thank you so much for replying and sharing your story. Please feel free to contact me on here if you wish to share/chat.
Lily.

February 5, 2014 at 4:20 pm #50378

Lily
Participant

Hey Gams,

Yes you are definitely not alone – look at me! In the same boat. Although, I am sad that there are so many of us on here, feeling this way. That makes me sad. I know that you will be happy no matter what happens and I am someone who believes that it doesnt need to get back to being the way they were to be good – they can be different and be excellent. I think that is what will happen with you too 🙂

I hope so too, I hope this experience wont make me bitter or angry. I am angry at the moment but Im hoping as I heal, I will be able to let it go. Ive truly, truly done my best with him – I was honest and a good friend, understanding and courageous even when it was scary. I know in my heart that I have done my best and there was nothing more I could give without hurting myself, thus it was time to exit. Im also happy that I stood up for myself and what I was worth. I suppose, they are lessons that I had to learn. Im grateful for it, even though I am not loving the way it came in 😉

You know, I actually printed that bit and have it next to my screen at work “Everything happens FOR me, not TO me.” Thank you for pointing that out. I truly appreciate you taking the time to read and share. Im here if you ever need to chat.

You journey, although painful at the moment, will lead to amazing things and a lot of growth. I hope you always know and remember what you bring to people’s lives and that you’ll never run out of happiness and joy that is within you.

Big hugs back
Lily.

February 5, 2014 at 5:43 pm #50380

Lily
Participant

The Ruminant, Chermich and Gams,

Yes, I am beginning to wonder if the distance and the “tip of the iceberg ONLY” bit makes it harder to let go. As the Ruminant said, it is hard to let go of what you never had and the mind doesnt know what to let go of but it knows it needs to let go. Crazy-making!! A friend of mine told me weeks ago that because I didnt have all the info, it is natural that I filled it in with positive things, that is the human way. But doesnt mean that was true or that it was even the real bits.

Another friend also pointed out “what makes you SO sure that you can be happy with him or that he could make you happy at all?”. And thats the truth, I dont know. None of us do and did. It was our imaginations and hopes and dreams. Doesnt make the pain any unreal or lesser though. But like Chermich said, we have nothing to prove.

(Chermich, I actually did write him a letter telling him all that – in a very, very kind and non-girly way – I am glad I did, Of course, I doubt he’ll say anything in response. Prior to that he had an email where I appreciated what he brought into my life and everything that he made me smile about, which he did reply to. I think a lot of moving on and forgiving happens only when we can communicate some part of what we feel. Whether through a sent or unsent letter. I might need to do an unsent one at some point to get the frustration and anger out-which I didnt want to in my email to him)

And there is a lot to be said about how someone treats you and we need to choose to believe and see that. I have seen the disengagement and disregard..and this is perhaps a side of him that I wouldnt have seen if it wasnt the circumstance. But what matters is that this is the bit of the iceberg under the water and it would be very hard to deal with this person if this is what the true self is. I dont like the bits of him that I saw, it is a deal breaker for me. And Im sure you have all seen the bits under the water too and didnt like it at all.

Ah, havent we all had well-meaning friends saying things like that. Oh. Ive had to tell a few “Im sorry, I know you mean well but that made me feel worse” LOL! Im sorry you had to hear the same too, that is not very nice or supportive. Sometimes, even with the best intentions, people dont get what we feel..or they choose to not see. Easier to go with “you made it bigger than what it is/it is your fault/move on” than to actually TRY and understand.

Thank you 🙂 I will make this another story of strength and courage (I loved that you pointed it out, made me smile). I was real and opened my heart and I know that took a GREAT deal of courage. I wouldnt do it any different even if I had the chance. I am trying to change the story I tell myself (in my head), it will take a bit of time but I will do it. I just want to find strength, peace and growth. I can see it happening..hopefully, the pain and sadness will subside soon.

I send you all my hugs and deepest warmth 🙂
Lily.
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