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Will I ever be able to get over my pride?

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  • February 1, 2014 at 3:55 pm #50131
    Tia
    Participant

    My pride seems to be my biggest downfall. I let my pride get in the way when it comes to one of the most important things to me and that’s my partner. I’ve put them through hell and back and for nothing; all because I let my pride get the best of me. I know it hurts them and when my partner hurts, I get the worst end of it all because I have to deal with the arguing because of my actions. Due to an incident in my previous relationship, I am not as open as I should be. I can’t help it. I just feel like I can’t really put my trust in them.. I know it sounds like i’m judging them based off of what happened in my previous relationship but my partner has given me reasons not to trust them. The question being is how do I put my pride aside in order to be more vulnerable with them without having myself feel like it’s a waste of my time?

    February 2, 2014 at 12:58 am #50138
    The Ruminant
    Participant

    Tia,

    Your pride is a separate issue from your relationship. Think of it like this: what happens inside your body is your responsibility. If you have a problem with pride, then it’s a problem that will be with you regardless of whether you’re in a relationship or not, so you’ll want to handle that problem so that you can live a healthier and happier life. Do work on being a humble person in general, as it is very rewarding mentally, emotionally and spiritually. That work is done for your benefit, not for the benefit of this particular relationship. Why? Because if you start doing it for the benefit of your partner, and they then accidentally or purposefully hurt you or dismiss your efforts, you’ll become bitter and resentful. It’s never a waste of time to work on yourself and your life. Whether or not your partner can be trusted or whether the relationship is good for you or not is a different issue altogether and shouldn’t be the deciding factor in your personal growth.

    Build trust with yourself so that you can trust others. Having said that, you don’t need to trust everyone blindly, but when you do trust yourself and your senses (and intuition), then you’ll know better who to trust and who not to trust. Know that you are responsible for yourself and in control of your boundaries. If you don’t feel safe around a person, then you don’t have to open up to them.

    Be honest about your feelings. If you’re scared, then admit it. Your partner should respect that and understand it. If they dismiss your fears, then you know that you probably shouldn’t trust them either. If you dismiss your fears, and won’t admit your own vulnerability, then you need to work on being more compassionate towards yourself.

    I wish I knew some universal practical exercises to manage your pride, but I don’t. To me it just works when I think about the word “humility” 🙂 That helps me to remember that my ego is not in charge of this world and is not in control of everything. I want to control when I’m scared of being hurt, so I work on my boundaries and creating myself a safe environment so that I don’t have to feel scared. Then I don’t have to feel like I need to control everything and everyone.

    I hope someone else can give a more practical advice!

    February 2, 2014 at 8:04 am #50145
    Matt
    Participant

    Tia,

    I’m sorry for your suffering, and can understand why pride seems to get in the way. If you’d like to open up a little more about what is actually happening (you only posted your conclusions, which are not as helpful as feelings and thoughts) then perhaps the family at tinybuddha would be better able to help. However, some generic advice for pride may still be helpful.

    Consider that pride is our way of defending against a feeling of shame. For instance, perhaps you mistakenly say or think the sky is orange. You are corrected by someone you love, but are scared that they won’t value you if you make a mistake (critical parent?) so defend that orange sky to the death, until your energy is spent, and you feel broken. Then perhaps you crumble, fall to the floor, give up, and feel horrid. If this sounds like the way, consider that we all make mistakes, and that doesn’t make us less remarkable, less loved. There is really only a mix and mash of knowledge and delusion, success and failure, rising and falling… and its OK, normal, usual and lovable.

    Said differently, you don’t have to prove you’re valuable, try to be valuable, dear sister, you are already. Even with your mistakes, even with your failures. Especially! That’s where we learn, thats how we grow… it really is expected! As you come to accept just how worthy of connection you are, how deserving of love and tender attention, the pride simply melts with no shame to push it outward.

    Consider reading some of Brene Brown’s work… I think her words would sing to your heart. She has a ted talk “the power of vulnerability” which is easily searchable, or Daring Greatly, which is on amazon.

    I think you are wonderful for looking inward and trying to figure out how to live in balance, let go, and be vulnerable. It takes a kind heart to see such things, and I really hope you find your answers. You deserve the relaxation and safety that comes from knowing that we’re OK, and so are they. Namaste.

    With warmth,
    Matt

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