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Boyfriend Of 6 Years Dumped Me

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Viewing 5 posts - 1 through 5 (of 5 total)
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  • #49773
    Mark
    Participant

    Hi Carmen,
    I am sorry about your pain. You did not share your age and your bf’s age but I suspect you two are in your 20s.

    I know love at that age is different later on in life when we have more life experience, wisdom, and time to reflect.

    I know that romantic, goo-goo eye love is different from the love that has “legs.” What I mean is that love is a verb where we deal with loving ourselves and not depending on the other to validate our own selves. Mature love comes when we know ourselves and are willing to own our wounds. Love is self reflection rather than blame.

    It does take someone who is willing to walk hand-in-hand through life knowing we each have work to do to really, truly love. In the meantime, we give each other grace and understanding. I value a partner who owns their shit, taking responsibility for their part of the argument (i.e. no blame, just willingness to work things out), and to know each of us has our own crap keeps us from fully trusting and to be totally intimate (emotionally, spiritually).

    I value that more than romance.

    I do sense you need this reassurance from him. I invite you to be your own person and not requiring validation from a lover/partner in order to be OK with him relaxing/hanging out with friends, i.e. having Guy time. Remember not everyone processes or thinks like you. . You said you are “that girl.” If you want to be able to have a relationship then let go of what you demand as the only way of communicating. Some people may need time and space before they can respond. They need time to process and think. Shaming someone into apologizing to you does not work out in the long run.

    Each of you play a part in this. I suggest you own up to your part with him. It seems that you are demanding certain assurances or behavior from him. Look at what part you have played in your interactions with him and be honest about it. I would think if you are honest with your fears, insecurities, and thoughts then you two can be more honest with each other and hence a basis of a more solid relationship.

    Mark

    • This reply was modified 11 years, 2 months ago by Mark.
    #49775
    Carmen
    Participant

    It sure does, thanks!

    #49790
    Lily
    Participant

    Mark,

    Absolutely brilliant! That is just the best description of the kind of foundation real love should be based on. It is hard to get there, two people need to travel together to get there (and they might be starting at different points). Owing our shit, working on our wounds and not seeking the other to fix or heal it is SO important.

    But I just wanted to thank you for sharing that. As a single 30yr old, I think this is something I need to paste on my forehead – it is so easy to get swallowed in by the need for a partner and romance and all that. And you reminded me that there is a much bigger plan and work there to do – constantly working on ourselves, appreciating the differences while growing stronger together. This and this alone should guide single people while seeking a partner.

    Lily.

    #49791
    Mark
    Participant

    Thank you for that acknowledgment. There is the theory and then there is the actual practice. When I say practice, it is just that. We are all practicing. It’s an ongoing mindful process.

    Mark

    #49924
    Nia
    Participant

    Hi Carmen!

    I agree with Mark on this one. Taking responsibility for one’s own self is very important in relationships. Otherwise, there will be unhealthy dependence on the other person. That never really turns out too well.

    Thank you Mark for the strong candid words. It made laugh and more than that, I was assured that the recent decision I made was absolutely right.

    Much love,

    Nia

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