Hi MT, this sounds familiar to a situation I just recently went through. I understand your pain. Its very painful.

I was with a man for a year and a half in an absolutely wonderful relationship, right up until I brought up living together and taking the relationship to the next level…it completely unraveled….because “he wasn’t ready”. .I broke up . A few weeks later I called him (same as you) thinking I had not been supportive, I had made a mistake in breaking up with him initially instead of being understanding, how could I be so selfish… bla bla bla…scared him hurt him broken trust…bla bla bla

We went back for a month and it was HELL. I had NOT made a mistake initially breaking up with him! I had been right! Now he was withdrawn..acting different…I too was recovering from the blow so I gave it some time…but…. I could not tolerate it.

4 weeks was ALL I was able to stand before my self esteem and intuition said “GET OUT!!!! This is KILLING YOU!!”

I am the most important person in my life! This is about ME not feeling good…not about how he feels about me and validating myself with how he feels about me.

The second time i broke it off KNOWING that I would have to live with my decision (self-confidence vs. self-pity), but that I had control of my life and was responsible for my happiness (emotional maturity) and was opening up myself to the UNKNOWN (faith) ! How wonderful! (vs..the suffering I was enduring in this “uncertainty”).

Sister. This is DEAD. Let it go. This is NOT about you, or what you could’ve done different, or said, or waited, or acted this way or that way. NOPE. This is about HIM. HE has issues, HE is DAMAGED! HE is unemotionally available…DO NOT think this is about you hon! This is alllllll him.

I too went through all those feelings…(its my fault…me me me…I should’ve…etc). If only I would’ve…..Again. No.

You did NOT do anything wrong. Woman. If any man tells you he is “unsure” and “doesn’t want to work on relationship” LEAVE.

Forget that depression 6 years ago. you never go backwards in your brain…. YOU control your brain. Change your life. YOU have control. A minute at a time. Depression is all too common in our society (you are not alone) and Lots of people let life beat them down…there is no drug, no pill, nothing that will pull you out of it except…walking through new behavior and REALLY trying to pull yourself out. Believe me, been there…it can be done.

Take care of your body and do a 30 day yoga challenge. This will pull you out (stay away from pills, drugs, alcohol, smoking, etc..)

You are feeling “hurt” because you feel rejected. Let me remind you…. YOU rejected him, as you should have! Any man who has doubts about being with you…give him lots of time and space to figure it out. No amount of understanding, loving, waiting, on your part is going to make him come close to you…in fact, it will do the complete opposite (at your expense by the way).

Your EGO is not the one telling you he doesn’t deserve a hug. its your intuition and your gut (and they are right!). Saying its your ego is you again blaming yourself and looking for ways that you may be able to “fix” this.

You have no idea what suprises life has in store for you. Wake up ever morning knowing that great things are coming your way…and when you just look away for a minute one day…bang..there it is…. That’s the way life works.

My opinion? Absolutely NO CONTACT AT ALL (for at least 3 months – make it a challenge) with this unavailable guy who is basically making you doubt yourself and controlling your happiness and joy.

The opposite of Self Pity is Self Esteem. How do you go from Self Pity to Self Esteem? Trust your intuition, trust yourself, stand by your decisions (even if you self doubt its normal), know what you want (and go after it), don’t accept less than what you know is right, put yourself first, don’t be a doormat…etc…etc…etc..

Don’t forget who you are. The best is yet to come. get your self confidence and self respect back…and stop putting this guy on a pedestal…he is not those things you think he was. you will see all that during your No Contact Period – TIME is an amazing healer and teacher…

This was all practice for you. The best is yet to come.

Look. Break ups are HARD. But you will get over this! Guaranteed! Every day it will get easier even if some days you feel like you are going backwards…(you are not…).

Big “Hug” to you. It takes great courage to really look at yourself and what is not working and discarding it. Remember, you cannot “fix” this because this is not your problem…its his. You will get lots of more insight to what is really going on when you go no contact for a long period of time (3 months recommended do it!).

M T,

I’m sorry for your suffering, dear sister, and know how confusing and painful the path can become. Sometimes when we get to a difficult hurdle, we throw our hands in the air and give up, “just tell me what to do!!”. And, of course, its never that easy… because part of your beauty is your uniqueness, and each path of joy is similarly unique. Said differently, what to do next is between you and your heart. A few things came to heart as I read your words.

Consider that your relationship with him has some difficult challenges. That anger, shame and confusion stands between you and feeling safe with him, and sounds like it would take a long time to settle. Plus, the goal at the end of that path is a boyfriend that may or may not heal, be interested in you at all, or ever learn to give back. Even as you describe your warmth for him, empathy, a hug, it doesn’t sound like the awe and wonder of a romantic love.

Perhaps then, a lot of your desire to reconnect with him has to do with something else. Often its loneliness, such as an aching agitation for connection, which is a very normal part of grief. The solution is perhaps not what you want to hear, but its time, patience, and self nurturing. Lots of self nurturing. Perhaps take a bath with candles, go for a walk in nature, listen to soft music… surround yourself with the space to cry, heal, scream and let go. (Consider searching youtube for “sharon salzburg guided metta meditation” for a great nurturing activity.) Over time, your heart will heal, and what to do next will be more obvious. For instance, if you are very thirsty, a depressed dude holding a glass of mud might look like a prince with the best water ever. Self nurturing is how we refill our own cup, quench our thirst, so when/if we do end up talking to our ex again, we do so from strength and clarity.

Then the question is much easier to answer. Is it a cup of mud? Was it your mud the whole time? Do you want to share your clear water, in hopes he will grow? Want to say no thanks and find different person to share your time with? Its your canvas, my dear sister, its OK to paint it the way you want it. Just remember that people grow in their own time, and its not fair to demand they grow for us. That just leads to many complications and judgments on both sides. Its better to partner with someone that wants to grow with us, because then needs don’t have to become demands, because they’re met freely and often.

With warmth,
Matt

MT + LovingGirl, what you both expressed resonated with me too – I went through a similar thing where we took the relationship to the next level but I could tell he didn’t really/couldn’t really do it, so it ended within 4 months of moving in with him, after 4 years of on/off, I knew I had to put myself in that vulnerable position to get myself back – I’m now on the path of recovery but it’s hard and bumpy. I do keep getting glimpses of how I used to be before I met him and they are keeping me going 😀

Hang in there and as Bri says, Never Settle For Good Enough x