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Relationship Guidance – To chase or give space or both

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Viewing 7 posts - 1 through 7 (of 7 total)
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  • #49593
    Mark
    Participant

    Rhino,
    Good for you for recognizing and learning that there are different love languages and have shifted your behavior. I also recommend the Non-Violent Communication work by Marshall Rosenberg. Ideally she will learn the process so you two can practice. Byron Katie’s The Work is also a great process in communication.

    My guess is to give each other space so she can “recover” from her pain and get use to being on her own for a while. Giving space means to me is to mutually agree not to communicate or be in touch until after a certain period of time, say 3 months or even longer. Otherwise if she leans on you for support and you will be her crutch and friend but not a lover anymore.

    Best,
    Mark

    #49598
    Glenda
    Participant

    hello Mr. Rhino: It sounds to me like you had a one sided relationship. where everything was about the other person and nothing was about you. With what Ive read in your post, I can see that you are hurting and you want her back. But please take it from a person that has been there, you want something that she can never give you. Which is love, respect, appreciation and a life long commitment. Give yourself sometime and then go back and read your post, you will see that everything that you wrote on this post is about her. She does this, she wants this, she needs this. What about you? What are your needs? You cant keep two people away from each other if they want to be together, so no matter what a person is going through, they will stay with you if they really want to. Dont take her excuses of wanting space. Space means that I dont want to be around you. That I rather be by myself than hear anything else you have to say. It means that I dont want to build more on our relationship, that I am cutting ties with you cause I want a different life than I am living now. Its painful, its awful, Im being very blunt, because I dont want you to waste another second on this. Get yourself together. Pray, Cry, talk to someone that will give you an honest answer, go to the gym, go out with your guy friends and forget her and remember yourself. Remember there is a great good woman waiting for you to find her. She will give you all the love, appreciation, and understand. But first get yourself right, mourn this dead end relationship and move on. A good woman is waiting for you!

    #49611
    I am
    Participant

    Rhino, I’m sorry this has happened to you. You didn’t say it so directly but I bet your’e a pleaser meaning that you will do anything for the other person even if you give up your own views and beliefs. I know because this has been me, I would give the shirt off my back and ask nothing in return but kindness. The problem is that you also believe, as I often do, that everyone else thinks the same way. While I don’t know the whole story you have pointed out all the things that you have done. I think Glenda really nailed it when she said, “one sided relationship” Where is her support for you? Trust me I’m starting to think the same thing in my relationship but not ready to give up yet.

    I’m heading down today to get the book, “The Mastery of Love” by Don Miguel Ruiz and I suggest you do the same. I read it some time ago and then gave it away but there was some really great stuff in there about finding someone that accepts you as you are.

    #49612
    rhino
    Participant

    Could you share with me about your feelings on why you don’t feel ready to give up on?

    I feel not ready to give up on this because we have so much in common in terms of values, views. She was loving and respectful the only way she knew how and was raised to bottle up her emotions as well. I feel simply that we were speaking the wrong language of love.

    But Glenda said it the best, that i need to accept that she no longer wants to be with me and wants a different life. I believe we could both make each other happy but i need love myself first and let go.

    • This reply was modified 11 years, 3 months ago by rhino.
    #49616
    rhino
    Participant

    Thanks Glenda for your honesty.

    My needs are as you listed, love, respect, appreciation and commitment. Communication was a big issue with us. We have very similar personalities. On the outside we put on a big brave smile and brushed everything off, but on the inside we are sensitive and sometimes insecure with our feelings.

    I am afraid to accept the truth. They say timing is everything in relationship and i feel that although i did not describe her as a giver, i know she is. As i was climbing the corporate ladder, i was often stressed, she would provide comfort and patience with me by just being there for me, coming over to my house and being. She would try to ask how i felt but as an immature male, i brushed her off as if she would never understand how i felt.

    I feel we got off on the wrong foot at the start, and now i might remember her as the one that got away instead of the one that i am to marry.

    At this time i am doing the best i can to move forward and i do carry some regret, but i am learning so much right now and when i am ready to date/love again, i will apply this tenfold. I still wish it was her that it would be with though.

    #49638
    Rachel
    Participant

    Hi Rhino I can totally empathise with you as you seem to have bent over triple backwards to do everything for this person and sadly they do not seem to have given you the same and used their probilems as excuses You also have hard things to deal with in life but seem to have given given and given. I am the same with relationships and friends and constantly beat myself up about trying to handle each relationship right and read so many books.
    You know in the end look in the mirror and you are a beautiful person and if they don’t love you it is about them not you. I finally met the most beaufiul person in the most strange place and when I had given up and no hope. All of a sudden all these rules and regulations do not seem to be there because our relationship is about respect and both giving equally. Don;t get me wrong we have a few rows as I am a fiery person and he is a stubbor ass but respect wins the day and also I count my blessings as I know he does that we found each other even though we both live separate sides of the world – nothing keeps us apart. Sounds dreamy doesn’t it – but don’t think the next relationship will be the same – if you are with the right person like a jigsaw it fits so much easier and is so less painful and tiring. Good luck

    #49659
    sarika
    Participant

    Hi
    me and my boyfriend together around 8 months but after 2-3 months of relationship everything is being difficult . he is gujarati and i am marathi he can speak marathi but i dont know how much he understands, actually in the starting we used to meet a lot but in between that i got a job he was asking me to come for movie but i couldnt then he asked me for outing i said no because i was not getting leave after that he just stop asking me 1 month after i started calling him for date , uting and all but he never come just once he came and about 4 months we haven’t met each other in that way , the way we used to…. we stay very near by , we saw each other but never go out …. meanwhile when i used to asked him questions he says lets break up, but after that 2 times we have broke up and now we are again together since 5 days but not the way i want …….. he is saying something has happen he couldn’t explain it to me and thats why he is upset and not intrested to do anything ,,, he is not even replying to my text …. he is not behaving the way he used to,, he calls me MY LOVE ,, he says you are still my love for me but i don’t know why he is behaving so different ,,,, i wrote him letter he said i don’t think he deserves all that i asked why he said just like that
    please tell me what to do to get him the way he was… i am confuse sometimes i feel he is not in to me sometimes i feel he wants me but he cant express it due to his depression & the thing which are making him upset

    pls help me soon

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