Hi all,

Apologies, this may be a little long, but I feel I need good (and sane!) advice and reading articles and forum posts on this site has given me the courage to share my story with you all.

I am nearly 30, haven’t had much of a social life, been bullied and felt like an outcast most of my life. At school I was always told how ugly I was, how no one would want me and that I would never amount to anything. At college, girls took advantage of my giving nature before disowning me and making me out to be the bad guy. When I told a girl I liked her, it signalled the end of a friendship. I got continuously ignored. I had no romantic relationship with a girl until I was 28. And it hardly lasted 8 months. In fact, it ended in horrible circumstances and is still haunting me to this day – 6 months on.

We met at college, and instantly hit it off, started talking a lot online, then on skype, and we then started talking pretty much every night. Sometimes until the wee small hours. We got closer, and I started to like her a lot, which, inevitably, she declined. However, we stayed in touch, talking, and I took her out to London for her birthday and surprised her by taking her to see a gig she’d really want to see. Things changed and she wanted to go out with me – at a time when my insecurities had hit. I was worrying she would leave like all the others. A few months later, I decided to go for it and make her my first girlfriend.

She celebrated her 21st birthday in London with me, and I spoilt her every way I could. We had a wonderful weekend. Things seemed to be going well and I really believed my life was taking an upward turn. At long last, I had something to be positive about.
However, when my birthday came along, she wanted to do something similar, asked me to book things for her, and promised to pay me back. She never did. She bought me a lovely pair of shoes that sadly didn’t fit and weren’t in a smaller size. She said she would replace them – but never did. On valentine’s day, I took her out to a top restaurant, bought her a dress and roses – but she didn’t get me anything, saying “it wasn’t right so I had to return it”. I have since learnt this gift was a shirt – she showed it to me, but is now refusing to give it to me.

I kept paying out for everything we ever did and everywhere we ever went. Dinners, drinks, concerts, nights out. She promised and at times, insisted that she would pay, but never did. I was spending way beyond my means and had to take a lot out of my savings to cover costs. I tried to talk to her about the money issue, but she would angrily shake it off and refused to talk about it. I became, perhaps, a little distant as this started to worry me – I have always been careful with money as I do not want to get into debt. But she kept saying I was ‘obsessed with money’ and ‘financially driven’. Yet I was spending a fortune on being with her – and only had a part time job!

Things took a turn for the worse when she went out with friends to a club. She ended up having a little too much to drink and kissing another guy. She told me about this and said she’d taken the guy outside to tell him that she was with someone but it hit me hard. Soon after, she went out with another guy to a place that we loved – and paid for herself. I took exception to this as it seemed she was using me for my money. She got angrier at my stance on money and things got a little awkward.
She wanted me to come up and see her often and help her out with college work, but I decided to refuse saying I couldn’t afford it and I had been warned not to give out special treatment to students. (For the record, I am part student, part staff) She got very angry at that. She had to pay her mum, and pay for college travel. But she kept promising to pay, only to go back on her word.

It built to a bad night out – our only bad night, I should add – when I went up to see her in London. She said she didn’t want to see me. I went and bought myself a little something to cheer me up, and when I did meet her before the concert (which I paid for), I got told it was ‘cheap’ that I was spending out on myself and not my girlfriend. She didn’t say much to me all night, and I felt we were all but over. I texted her wondering if we were, and she stormed back onto my train and proceeded to have a go at me all the way back. I felt humiliated.

We didn’t speak after, and I felt she hated me. She posted on facebook that she had had another wonderful weekend with this other guy (a friend only), so I really felt she didn’t want to know me. I felt I had to remove her as a friend. I hated doing it, but it was hurting me so much. Still no contact from her. When I finally decided to phone her, and we got back in touch, I got the most devastating and crushing blow ever. She had had unprotected sex – twice – and been intimate a further two times with a guy. This turned out to be someone I thought was my friend and much older than her. I have never been angrier. I am not an angry person at all – I really shy away from confrontation and I don’t like anger… but I really felt rage.

She stayed in contact, one minute needing me, the next not wanting to talk. But I tried to get over it, and whenever she needed me, I was there. Phone calls in the morning, afternoon, night or even 2:30am, I answered and talked. It seemed she was going through so much and was so sorry. We met up more, talked and things were up – and sometimes down. She told me her head was messed up and she acted in ways she didn’t like and was sorry, but felt we were over and had no chance of getting back together again… only to say she missed me a few days later.

I bought her a beautiful coat for her birthday which she loved, but was a bit big, so I exchanged it. However, since then, she has told me that she no longer wants to be with me and will never be with me. She is refusing to give me that shirt that she got me for valentine’s day as I am considering returning the coat. After all, why would I spend out so much money on someone who doesn’t want to be with me?

She has still not paid anything she said she would, and has branded me a ‘money obsessed, financially driven’ person, who doesn’t know how to be in a relationship because I’ve never had one. She wants it to be a learning curve for me and that I shouldn’t act the way I did and tells me how badly I have acted.

The last time I met her, she unexpectedly decided to take me to this guy’s house. Needless to say it was the hardest thing I have done. I was branded ‘bitter’, ‘pathetic’, and ‘weird’ by him (and other words) and was made to feel like I was a nasty, unpleasant person. He told me he didn’t use protection because it was ‘better’ and made me feel like my relationship meant absolutely nothing. He told me she left messages on his fridge describing his ‘sexual prowess’. I stood up for my beliefs telling him it is inherantly wrong to take advantage of a girl like that. In my belief, as a man you should show her some damn respect. It is her body, not yours. She has more to risk and more to worry about and I had to hear my ex go through all that because of his selfish pleasure. I could have hit him, but I didn’t. I walked away.

I believed she was sorry for her actions, and she has told me she is getting counselling for depression. She tells me she doesn’t want to be with me because I happened to be her boyfriend at this time – and it would bring all those nasty memories back. She has said she won’t be with anyone for a long time… but I have a sense she is seeing someone else, again, much older.

She wants to be friends and is getting irritated that I want to talk to her to explain why I acted the way I did. She doesn’t want to know and insists I am still money obsessed. This really hurts as it feels like all the other people I have met who judge and form false opinions.
I try to be a really nice, kind, caring and giving guy who loves with all his heart. But it feels like I am a monster, a useless idiot who cares more about money than people and I hate that. I hate myself for who I am.
Was I being silly worrying about money? Did it really mean that much?

I don’t know what to do or how to be. Whether I can be friends and see her with someone else, whether I can love her even though she will never love me again and still be happy, or whether I have to do what I always have had to do – and leave her. But I waited so long to find a beautiful girl who loved me, and I really felt that from her prior to last year. It seems such a waste yet she was such a wonderful person. So many people were happy for us

I’m truly fed up of always being the loser, but I get the feeling that is what life intended for me…

Huge apologies this is soooo long, but I really appreciate anyone who sticks with it!
Hope everyone is well.