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I'm at a loss.

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Viewing 5 posts - 1 through 5 (of 5 total)
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  • January 7, 2014 at 12:09 pm #48598
    Alexa Stewart
    Participant

    Hello,

    I’m at a loss. The man I’m seeing self admits he’s VERY slow to adapt to change. His had many heartaches relationship wise. A divorce, A death, a weird stalker lady. We’ve been making slow but steady progress. He asks me whenever I get impatient with his reticence to please understand he’s trying. He’s very introverted and keeps telling me he appreciates my patience. He tells me I’m wonderful being so patient.

    He was “bought out” or “forced retired” from his job of 27 years. He had to hand in his phones…and be deleted from the system, which was HIS job for 27 years as he was in charge of security. Now the trip to unemployment and getting a new phone has started.

    My problem is this. I haven’t spoken to him since this happened. Now it’s 5 days. We have had a blizzard and very cold weather the past few days so I understand that. But am I rationalizing? I have gotten an email telling me he misses me and needs me and not to fret. I can’t seem to stop thinking something is wrong.

    As I said..I’m at a loss.

    January 7, 2014 at 12:32 pm #48602
    Mark
    Participant

    Hi Alexa,
    I am not sure what you are asking (if anything). Do you have a specific question for this group?

    Are you asking on how to communicate with him? or whether or not to contact him?

    Mark

    January 7, 2014 at 5:54 pm #48641
    Alexa Stewart
    Participant

    Mark,

    I guess I am asking for a way to communicate or help him. He told me he has a habit of shutting people out when he’s in a mood. I’m the type that when something is bothering me, I let everyone within earshot know. If course I’m exaggerating to make a point but you know what I mean. He’s a bit of a puzzle to me. I’m such an extrovert.

    I also have a habit of taking things personally. I’m thinking to myself that he’s not confiding in me deliberately. When it may be just a “guy thing”.

    All of the above its why I’m confused.

    January 7, 2014 at 6:20 pm #48642
    Matt
    Participant

    Alexa,

    I’m sorry for your spinny thoughts, and know how difficult patience can be when we feel afraid. Consider that there are many blizzards on his side (of change, snow, emotion) and he will need some time to shovel. Said differently, it is understandable that you want assurance and connection, but there is a lot on his plate. A few things came to heart as I read your words.

    Perhaps now is a good time to be a light. If you can set down the “how does he feel about me” question, even for a time, and focus on being kind to him, spacious, gentle, and warm, then you’ll help him settle his changes and rekindle the intimacy. That is, of course, if you both want to… if the relationship is mutually desired. From his responses, it does seem like that’s the case, but its between you and your heart and him and his.

    Finally, remember that you know how to be happy alone. Patience isn’t just trying to sit through a painful experience, it is the willingness to wait to focus on it until the time is right. Said differently, being patient with him doesn’t mean you should wallow and wait… go play! Go have some fun, follow a dream, sing, dance. Remind yourself of the beauty inside and outside. This can help to relieve the need to connect with him before he’s ready, and stop yourself from obsessing. Said differently, perhaps if you intentionally did something else when you’re spinning, you’ll find it easier to be patient.

    Its understandable that there might be fear he’s disinterested, but from your description it doesn’t seem the most likely thing. Fear often clouds our intuition, leading us to see shadows where there aren’t any. Especially in romance, it can often become a self fulfilling prophecy… so running with “intuition” in relationships can be tricky. Communication is the key, or until that happens, patience.

    Namaste, dear sister, may you find contentment and joy.

    With warmth,
    Matt

    January 7, 2014 at 7:22 pm #48643
    Alexa Stewart
    Participant

    Matt,

    Thank you so much for your kind words. It’s almost as if you have a window into my head. You put far more eloquently than I did how I feel.

    You really and truly made me feel better. I’m going to bookmark this page, your warm and empathic response and go back to it when I need to. You’re one of the reasons why people go to this site. To get advice from someone who cares, but who can also be honest, like a good friend.

    Thank you.

    Alexa

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