Home→Forums→Relationships→Mum doesn't care, it hurts so much, advice on getting past it
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Louisa.
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January 6, 2014 at 4:18 am #48475
LouisaParticipantHello all,
Thanks so much for reading.I’ve been ill with ME for the last 3.5 years, and I am pretty much housebound, I have been able to work at times but mostly I have been too ill.
The problem is my relationship with my mum and sister. Before I was ill I used to go and see them mostly – they didn’t come to me very often, just a few times in several years. I would travel to see them several times a year. They live approx 125 miles/2.5 hr train journey away from me. There is no reason why they couldn’t come more often apart from just putting in the effort.6 months before I became ill my mum disengaged with me – she wouldn’t make plans to meet up and she really disengaged emotionally. It was extremely hurtful. Then I was struck with a virus (which later became ME). In the following 6 months I saw them once for lunch and that was only because the drs thought I had a serious illness (which was later ruled out). Christmas that year was very difficult – they only came to me because I really pleaded with them very much to come. There was a lot of fall out and upset, and they did in the end agree to come, but I see now that it was the wrong thing. They came for a few hours, my sister sat there in a mood the whole time, she didn’t even say thanks for her presents, they both sat there looking at their watches all the time. They really obviously didn’t want to be there and they made that clear.
Over the last few years things have been up and down, my mum and I have been on speaking terms, and she did come a couple of times for the day. But every Christmas is really difficult. I’ve asked them if they’d like to come and my mum has said that she’d prefer to be at her home. I find it really hurtful that I’ve done so much for them, travelling to see them often and every Christmas, and now that I am ill and can’t travel they can’t be bothered to do anything for me at all. I have had no support and I have realised that they are really selfish. We did send presents, and mum sends a decent cheque, but it doesn’t take much effort to send a cheque when she has money, it takes far more effort to actually show up and be in someone’s life.
I am having trouble getting over this. I have realised that if they value me so little that they think I am not worth some effort I am probably better off without them. Although I can rationally think this I am a wreck, and although my mind gets that I am better off without them, my body doesn’t quite get it. I am not quite there. Any help or advice on moving on? Many thanks
Louisa
January 6, 2014 at 10:17 am #48487
JoxParticipantHaving ME is difficult I’m sure. I’ve recently had a bout of depression over the holidays and it sucks, especially when I know better cognitively. It is very hard to reconcile your heart and head while you are going through it. Just hang in there it will change I promise. Remember how you are talking to yourself, and the way your thoughts are heavily influenced by your emotions. This will let you become aware of warning signs of you feeling sad in the future.
What you are experiencing is primarily physical. Your view of your Mum and sister is colored by your current state. I’m not saying that it is inaccurate, but you can not fully trust that view right now.
1. Get you ME under control as much as possible.
2. Talk to your Doctor about a course of anti-depressants. People in Chronic Pain develop depression and it can be relieved and dissipated with the right dose and med.
3. Talk to your Doctor about some form of talk therapy (one-on-one or group) this can be very helpful.
4. Listen to inspirational music. By that I mean remember a time when you were healthy and happy and listen to that music NOW.Do something physical to get out of your head. Being stuck in your head will lead no where right now. I hope this is helpful to you. Remember that this will pass and it is a symptom of your physical, emotional, and mental health not how the world really is. Do not count on others alone for your happiness. I understand that they are important to you and it is hard to not have them there for you. You reaching out with this post is a step towards health which is really important, but don’t rely on this process alone.
Things will get better, Trust me 🙂
Big Internet Hug
JoxJanuary 6, 2014 at 11:55 am #48500
DeeParticipantFirstly Louisa, let me give you a massive hug.
I related to your post, I registered on this website in order to be able to respond to you – so this is my first ever post on these forums.
I don’t have M.E so I cannot comment about that, however I do have a very tentative relationship with my mother and siblings. I too used to put in tons of effort (esp when I had a car) and visits and since coming across some challenging times financially and losing job, car etc …. have found in the past year particularly that no effort or help has been coming back and at first I was very resentful.
Then I took a step back and really looked at the situation (didn’t really have much choice being so isolated and with plenty of time on my hands) and started to realise that putting in all the effort is something I’ve always done. So I started looking at it across the board and realised that I tend to do this ‘over-compensating’ with friends, bfs, family and probably my child too. The first thing I had to accept and you do too, is that not everybody thinks like you. Sounds simple huh? but seriously .. not everybody is kind, not everybody looks out for others, not everybody wants to have close relationships and that’s ok. Each to their own. I’m not trying to be negative here, I’m just trying to point out that we are not all the same and what you value, think and how you would deal with things, is not necessarily how others think, value and see things.
I believe that my mother is very depressed and so do my siblings but she is walls up, closed off to the idea that her life is not working for any reason that has to do with herself and you know what, fine. I’ve spent years trying to be there for my mum, trying to be the best daughter I can be for a smidgen of love that I never got. Yes it still hurts if I think about it too much (I try not to and focus on things I can change – i.e Me) however I have chosen to not invite her out anymore, she usually says no or stands me up and that reinforces my rejection cycle so I’ve stopped doing it. I’ve started to focus on myself and you need to do the same thing.
I agree with Jos last comment wholeheartedly that you cannot rely on others for your own happiness, the same as you can’t rely on material things or anything that’s outside of yourself to bring you happiness. It starts from within you.
I’ve found that people tend to treat you how you’ve allowed yourself to be treated and if you look around and find yourself wanting, then you need to look deeper within yourself as to why you have allowed people into your world that do not nourish you, chances are it stems from your own self esteem levels and will be a reflection on how you treat yourself.
Learn to love yourself, pamper yourself when you feel down that’s what I do .. I try to be my own best friend on those days. I f it’s treat myself to some Lush soaps and have a soak or go cinema on my own and buy popcorn and watch a film … I spend quality time with myself, loving and nurturing myself and you know what .. the nicer I am to myself, the less I allow others to disrespect me, neglect me, treat me badly. I’d rather be alone or around those relationship that are nourishing.
It is hard when it’s your family, they’re supposed to love and care for us regardless right? wrong!!! and you know what … so what!! I read a stat somewhere that over 80% of familieis are disfunctional, it’s the new norm. Unless your family is open to realising there is a problem, sitting down with you to try and resolve it .. you’ll be like a dog chasing it’s own tail .. round and round and round ….
As Einstein said, it’s insanity to do the same action and expect a different result.
I don’t chase affection no more, I give it to myself and you need to learn to do the same. Be careful of going on anti depressants, I was on them for 4 and a half years and though they helped me at first, I began to rely on them and they zombied me and were a nightmare to get off. I don’t think you need medication, I think you need to change your mindset and that will only come from reading, researching and doing the work. ‘When you know better, you do better’ – Maya Angelou
Read read read, listen to empowering and /or uplifting music .. focus on You and how you can make your life better and don’t forget .. when you’re feeling down – be your own best friend and spoil yourself. It’s so much better for scrambling for affection that your not going to get.
HOpe that helps xx
January 6, 2014 at 11:55 am #48501DeeParticipantOh and drink lots of water … xx
January 6, 2014 at 2:54 pm #48512LouisaParticipantHello Jox and Dee,
Thanks so much for your replies – they both really hit the mark. Jox your reply made me cry, you are so warm and encouraging, and I realised that I should be doing that for myself. Dee I am so touched that you registered in order to reply to me – it really helped as you’ve described me in yourself to a tee – I relate to SO MUCH of what you say. I sat down this afternoon (I am in the UK, 8 hours ahead of the time posted here), and just felt into the emotion, and I realised that I am so upset because I had an unhealthy need for them, and that I am desperate not to be alone and grasping to others to be there for me. No-one was ever there for me as a child – I was ignored or shouted at, never had even a hug or a word of praise despite achieving highly at school etc. I am hard on myself, Dee what you said about doing as much as you can for a smidgen of love that wasn’t forthcoming was exactly the same for me, and overcompensating massively, being overly grateful with friends, colleagues, etc. I have been aware of this to some level and friendships are now changing for the better (or wrong friendships disappearing).
I think I do still beat myself up about that, I see that I am hard on myself and lacking love for myself. I have been doing a lot of energy work over the last 6 months and this stuff has been filtering through I think – I think this is the big lesson I have to learn to be there for myself and to love myself.
Funny you mention the water – I’ve been drinking very little despite drinking loads normally – seems that somehow it correlates to feeling bad about myself and denying myself something I need….Anyway so I think I’ll be re-reading this thread several times – thanks again – you really helped.
Much love to you both xxJanuary 6, 2014 at 4:01 pm #48538JoxParticipantI’m so glad our posts were helpful 🙂 I’m Cree. I wrote this poem for my daughter about a eight years ago when she was just turning 13. You did not mention your Father. I assume he has passed on. Perhaps you might find comfort or direction for yourself in these words.
A Fathers Payer
O’Creator whose divine force shapes all things
Help me to teach her your love and compassion
May I be a guide post for her in times of uncertainty
Help me to point out the right path for her to journeyO’Creator bring right friends into her life
Let her ride the turbulence of adolescence with grace
Let her be empowered by life’s obstacles and not fear them
May she see through false friends and tainted giftsMay she not repeat the whispers of cowards
Let her not ridicule the weak, nor praise the unworthy
May she speak for those who cannot speak
Keep her safe from the malice of others
Let her have clean hands and an open heartLet the drumbeat of courage overpower the whisper of doubt
Give her wisdom to choose the best unknown path
Whisper faith and confidence as she rests
Give her patience and stillness in times of chaos
Let her stumble at times, for this brings humility and wisdom
Let her see the beauty in all thingsO’Creator let her know the vastness of life and it’s fruits
Give her the yearning to reach beyond her grasp
Give her the skills and knowledge to make her dreams real
As she enters adulthood let her walk the unbeaten path with confidenceO’Creator when you do finally bring her to be with you
Let it be without hurt and regret
May she look at you without fear or shame
May she be thankful for the journey
Let her leave this world a better place than when she entered it.Hear my prayer O’Creator
~By Jeff for Jessica
September 13 2005January 8, 2014 at 5:03 am #48669LouisaParticipantThat’s very beautiful Cree. Thank you for sharing it.
My father has been absent from my life from the age of about 14, he was very manipulative, controlling and aggressive. We are in some contact now. I harbour no ill will towards him now, equally he will not play a huge role in my life again.
I realised last night that my Mum is very controlling too, didn’t realise that before, it makes it easier somehow now that I can see this.
Anyway thanks again, warmest wishes to you both xJanuary 8, 2014 at 3:25 pm #48728DeeParticipantHey Louisa,
I’m in UK too 🙂 .. so will be on same time as you, YaY.
We seem to have had the same childhood. I was youngest of 6 and by the time I came around, my mother had given up. My father was violent, so were my brothers, my mother was neglectful and so was my sister. It’s alot of pain if I allow myself to go there, and believe me sometimes I can’t help but go there. I’ve done therapies and counselling, hidden behind food, drugs (prescription and street) in my time and in the end it all came down to accepting myself as I am. No-one is harder on me than I am and I have to watch that, and as explained before I try to love myself more these days.
I’ve slayed my addictions, taken a long hard look at my life and got rid of the emotional vampires and poisonous people. I found that a lot of people are drawn to me as an agony aunt of sorts (fits well as I was my mothers growing up) .. and drew a lot of negative, broken people towards me. Which is fine as long as they are trying to mend themselves .. unfortunately I was surrounded by a lot of drama queens, whiny putter uppers (my own word lol) ….
You’ll be ok Louisa, as you said .. you need to start loving yourself. That’s why it’s good to be your own best friend .. I’ve stopped giving all my love out to anyone and everyone just to have someone to talk to, be with, in a hope that they’ll love me, accept me, SEE ME … instead I’ve changed the direction of that love and put it back into me … I’m a work in progress and I’m proud of the strides I’ve made in the last year particularly. It’s ok to break down sometimes cause then you get to put yourself back together again, make something new, discard old ideas, habits and thoughts that were ingrained in you and you can replace them with your own ….
I can’t stress enough .. read read read …. meditation, compassionate mindfulness, keep encouraging people around you and listen to uplifting music. Don’t give in or up.
You are not flawed!!! There is nothing wrong with you (something it took me a long time to learn – ‘there must be something about me’ – why don’t they love me ‘I must be flawed or f*cked up’ …. no no no please learn to love yourself, I know it’s hard when you’ve had the starts that we’ve had and believe me I still have days (and I allow myself to have them, but I put a time limit on it (a day, an hour to be pissed off about the injustices) then it’s dust off and get back on the horse.
Yes the water thing … helps to clear the negatives in my head. Time to retrain your brain gal and you know what, it will be the best thing you ever did. You’ve had a lot of negative thoughts put into your head in your childhood and that has now become your inner voice, you need to replace that negative voice with the empowering positive voice .. and that’s where the reading comes into it …. replace, retrain …. you can do it – I’m doing it and so can you!!!
January 8, 2014 at 3:34 pm #48730DeeParticipantthey took your past, don’t let them take your future ….. let .. it … go (I know, bloody hard but not impossible) … this is YOUR time now. I’m having my childhood again lol … everything I’ve ever wanted to do, I do now …. that’s why I have so much fun with my little girl … I get to be a kid again with her … we go cinema and eat popcorn and iceblasts …. go and play in the park … colouring … I know it sounds stupid but I love colouring .. it calms my brain and gives me something to focus on when the negative voices are berating me … try it …….. Read ‘The Secret’ or watch the documentary ….. it’s YOUR TIME NOW. Don’t give it away … take it back!! Live in the present – now!!! they can’t hurt you anymore (big hugs) xx
January 13, 2014 at 4:31 pm #49063LouisaParticipant🙂 that really made me smile about the colouring! I might just do that, I enjoyed colouring too – I do crosswords and newspaper puzzles all the time at the moment!
Thanks for all your words of advice, it’s really great to hear about where you are now and that you are really doing so well. We do have very similar behaviours- the abuse of food, alcohol, toxic friends all resonate along with doing too much for others because I felt they would only like me if I did lots for them. Largely I have made massive progress over the last couple of years, the last year especially for me too. And even in recent days I can see different, better behaviours. I am proud of my progress.
I think the relationship with my mum is the ultimate example of this pattern of doing more for others than I expect them to do for me, of ‘putting out’ more and sacrificing myself, I realise that I don’t like myself when I do that, so a great reason not to do it now.
With my mum now, she’s lost my trust, and with that she expects me to do more for her than she is prepared to do for me, even with me being ill with ME, makes me not like her very much. I love her a lot, but the conflict with that and the way she’s treated me is what now I need to resolve. I think what you said about your relationship with your mum is going to be similar to where me and my mum end up I think. I want that freedom of feeling love for her but being free of her. Perhaps that is acceptance of who she is, but I’m not sure what else that means – I am afraid if I accept her it’ll just go back to where it was with nothing resolved. I like that you said – don’t let them take my future, very true.Hmm interesting – in writing this it has made me realise a few things – very thought provoking!
Big hugs back! xxx -
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