Good morning everyone

I hope you’re all doing well

I’m currently experiencing what is probably the most difficult trial I have experienced thus far…I will paint a bit of a picture…i’m a 25 year old male, who recently “ended” a 3 and a half year, toxic on-again off-again blurred “relationship” with a girl I had once thought to be…my best friend…now, the reason there are quotations, are due to the nature of the relationship…we were never actually IN one (I know I know)…I will give you some background…at the time we first met, I was recently 21, she 18, with her pursuing me…from the start, I ignored just about every red flag and was so seemingly “blinded” by rose colored glasses, I never really saw any initial issues…about her, she comes from a horrible family foundation, and that might be an understatement, her birth mother and father are non-extistent in her life, with her mother occasionally coming into her life to toy with her, seriously…her adopted family (aunt and uncle) was one that put her constantly at odds with her aunt over the attention of the uncle…who earlier this year kicked my former companion out, because she lied in an attempt to protect her brother, who was caught purchasing drugs…upon kicking her out, the uncle (who probably was the only halfway positive member in her entire family) had a few choice words for her, including how she was nothing but a “bastard that would never amount to anything”…as far as relationships go…she was very hurt, in her first relationship, her boyfriend cheated on her, would make attempts to reconcile, and do it again…her closest circle of friends have a “player” mentality that she began to adopt after this, seeking relationships more for entertainment…and then when things got too deep, or boring…she’d move on, often times cheating on them as well…this mentality, compounding with her family background…caused her to outright, not really believe in love…and then, she met me…at the time, I was completely unaware of anything about myself, subconsciously…but, after my recent mishap, it’s enlightened me to quite a few things through “self diagnosis” studying psychology, philosophy, and Buddhist-zen principles…prior, on the surface I could probably best be described as an “against the crowd” type of person…calm, cool, and collected…intelligent and confident…witty, sarcastic, attractive…with a quiet, but very big heart…but even now, I can admit…it’s been some time since I’ve felt 100% confident in all of those traits…without going into too much detail…we did the “push and pull” for about 3 and a half years…I, the “hero” that needed to “save” her…she the “hurt” person who needed someone to “prove” to her…love existed…I did the giving, she the taking…the fighting for the relationship, she the pushing away…we fell in love with ideas of what we could be (we’re going to get married, have kids, etc.), rather than what we actually were…we were always waiting on her to have some “magical transformation”, or to just grow up…me on the other hand…i’m a bit of a perfectionist, and she fed that…always telling me how amazing I was, how beautiful a person I am, how she knows she’ll never meet anyone in the world like me…and it became my task…I told myself, she’s just young, immature, she’s just hurt, i’ll show her that true love exists…and then it would happen, she’d abruptly change her mind about what she wanted, become cold, push me away, or tell me i’m too good for her…i’d fight, and fight, and when i’d eventually walk away…she’d come right back…while we were “exclusive” for a time, again, we were never actually in a relationship, because of course, she always thought she’d hurt me…so rather than pay attention to the bright coca-cola red flag smacking me in the face…I told myself, i’ve just got to be patient with her…but the nature of our “blurred relationship” only amplified the issues…the favors, the loans, the gifts…i’d be confused as to whether I was just being a “good person”, friend, or showing how much I cared…the dates, the sex, the hanging out…confused me as to whether we were just being casual or working towards something more…it became a breeding ground for insecurity and resentment…with every hiccup my confidence would deplete more and more…i’d become hypersensitive to every remark she made…when I voiced concerns over certain things, or asked the “wrong questions”…she’d either flee the situation, get defensive, turn it back on me, or outright tell me that I needed to “chill”…it all came to a head earlier this year, and it’s the situation that i’m seemingly still struggling with…I was enlisted to drive her and her friends downtown for her birthday, given the circumstances, I wasn’t exactly thrilled but, as always, felt “compelled” to do so anyway…as a long story short, to what happened, I felt as though I was being treated disrespectfully throughout the entire night…and this mixed with what was already bubbling for a long time, caused me to more or less…explode, while driving her cousins home…I vented to them about her disrespect, how she’s done things like what she’d done that night before, how she only cared about herself, etc…they in turn informed her the next day…I attempted to, “get ahead” of the situation by texting her the next day, where she simply informed me that she’d heard about all the “shit” i’d been talking…and it was the last time she’d ever ask me for anything again…and ignored every text I sent after, a week went by, I attempted to make contact with her regarding an issue i’d been harboring…i’d suspected for sometime she had other people in her life…to which I confronted her about, she first made an attempt to confuse me, then lied, and walked away…only to reach out to me again about a month later…where we “talked”…at the time, since I was still emotionally reeling, I actually thought it was productive…but in hindsight…it infuriates me…every point I brought up, she’d turn back around on me, saying things like “i’m allowed to talk to other people, YOU are too” “when we started talking again, YOU considered us to be more, I just considered us friends” “YOU didn’t have to loan me money, YOU could have said no, I just considered them gifts” “Just because YOU mean everything you say, doesn’t mean I do too” “YOU let me get away with way too much”…the only thing she’d take responsibility for…was not telling me thank you, for driving her and her cousins around all night…she did so, to the point where suddenly, it was ME who was 95% wrong for the event and most of what had been transpiring…and she, 5%, if she really had to take any at all…and what ABSOLUTELY INFURIATES me…is that I believed it, to the point where we attempted to reconcile once again…and I went out of my way to purchase an “apology gift” for her and her cousins in an attempt to “kiss and make up”, one to which, she rolled her eyes and said she really didn’t think it was necessary…THAT, is my problem…i’ve conquered 99% of my issues except for the absolute ANGER, with myself…for whatever reason, it feels like my pride, dignity, values, my “manhood”, was in that gift…at the time I thought it was the right thing to do, tried to convince myself it was an apology for over reacting, for speaking ill of her, involving her cousins in our quarrel, for driving too fast while her and her cousins were in the car, for looking through her PUBLIC twitter page to discover other people in her life, I thought, it was me giving an apology for my share of the blame…but in hindsight, it was just people pleasing, the fact that I had her on a pedestal, how I always wanted to see the good in her, how she could do no wrong, how I was still emotionally destroyed to the point where I was willing to “back down” or “give in” even to my once unwavering ideals…it’s the anger, with myself for allowing that, and all of this to occur…I know ego is involved, pride, how a man is “supposed” to act…but in all honesty, as my own biggest critic, I feel, well, weak…as if I let myself down, forsook my own self-respect…for the sake of love, I don’t believe I ever truly even had for myself…any insight, guidance, past or similar…would be appreciated…

Thanks

BW