Hi Bruce,

You remind me so much of myself. I’ve been there and done that a few times I can tell you and so have many many other guys so don’t worry about it. It’s something that seems to happen more easily when you’re a sensitive guy because we are more liable to become infatuated (note: NOT love, google infatuation vs love and see which one applied for you) and to give up our power to a woman – both of which are personal boundary problems. You seem like a pretty bright guy so I think you’ll be able to understand well enough to overcome this.

I have been there and overcome it (most of the time!) myself, we can all slip up occasionally though, and you know when you have, when you cross yourself, because you feel exactly as you’ve described. I’ve learned to ALWAYS put your own self-respect first, above everything. Sometimes this can be extremely hard and counter-intuitive. The funny thing is that when you do this it magnetises the woman you’re with towards you, not doing this has the opposite effect, and it’s very clear. It’s like they can feel your strength, your integrity, and it’s very attractive. The thing you said above: “YOU let me get away with way too much” demonstrates this perfectly, it speaks the truth. Nowadays, when women make demands of me which could compromise me in any way or which I plain just don’t want to do, I say no, they have often then gotten angry or upset, which I remain indifferent to and they then end up later on wanting to see me even more! Don’t misunderstand though, what I’m talking about is quite subtle, I’m not mean to women, when I say upset I mean in a tantrum-like way because I’m not letting them have it all their way. What I’m talking about is having utmost integrity and a solid personal boundary, communicating very clearly, yes that is OK, no that is out of order, I expect better.

I have gotten very much involved in spiritual wisdom myself and I need to highlight one of the potential pitfalls, and it’s to do with kindness. It’s very easy in situations with women, I know because I’ve done it, to end up being too nice and overly accommodating, thinking that you’re just showing how much you care. The problem is that this is caused by neediness (again boundary) and drives women (and men) away. True kindness comes from a position of integrity and strength, from recognising that there is a need for kindness, so it’s really about what’s driving it.

I should mention, a lot of what I’m talking about here is wisdom from the dating guru David DeAngelo. What he teaches is really about being a mature, masculine man. He explains well the importance of keeping your own power and about personal boundaries. Your self esteem is protected by your boundary. He explains that ‘holes’ in your boundary allow people to reach inside and steel your ‘psychological gold’, e.g. self respect. You have to learn to patch the holes up so that you don’t let women take any of your gold away ever again. I can recommend at least signing up to his mailing list. It may help you get the balance right between giving and knowing when to say no, and teach you a lot of other very helpful stuff too.