Hello, I think you’re actually very lucky in having something that you both like doing and which it is possible to have a carrer in (i.e. pastry chef). I think the source of your problems here is you are not being assertive enough to get your own needs met, but put them aside in favour of doing what your family want you to do and think is best for you. I can tell you from experience that if you carry on like this you will never be happy. You are now an adult and your parents do not have a right to dictate to you how you should live your life anymore. They may have invested a lot of money in your brother’s company, but that was their decision and nothing to do with you, it is not your responsibility to ‘make good’ on your brother’s behalf. Also, a good way to look at any big decision is this: is it win win, i.e. constructive for both sides? Try to aim for win win whenever you can. In the case of the real estate job it was win for your parents and lose for you. The win win decision would have been for you to say no and get a job that is right for you and tell your parents that they will have to recruit someone else (possibly helping them with the process if you really wanted to), that way they would still get a ‘win’, in many ways a better win because they would recruit someone who actually wants to do the job and is lkely better qualified. Anyway, that does’nt matter now, it’s the past so don’t worry about it, the important thing is to learn from the mistake, which is why I went through it to highlight the lesson.

So work on putting yourself first. Don’t misunderstand and think that this is selfish. You can still be considerate to and help others, just remember that if you are helping others to your own detriment, that is wrong. This is also a lot to do with having healthy boundaries – it would definitely benefit you to read up what this means.

The way you write about being a pastry chef makes it sound like a dream which is out of your control. It really isn’t though! Take charge of your life, that is definitely a possibility for you! My suggestions from here: 1. Start looking for a job as a trainee pastry chef or something related that will allow you to eventually move into this work, such as just getting any job in a bakery for now or a job in catering (eg restaurant kitchen, catering jobs such as at large events- which often employ people with little experience, etc). It’s a good idea to first try the sort of work you’re interested before fully committing yourself as sometimes the reality of the work is not how you imagined it to be. 2. Think about doing a pastry making course or perhaps getting a qualification at a catering college, whilst you are looking for a suitable job, which you can do in your spare time, for instance an evening course. This will help you get a the sort of job you want and perhaps help you decide if you definitely want to work in this field. 3. Once you’ve secured yourself a new job it’s time to be brave, you have to quit your current job. This mean telling your parents what they don’t want to hear. I appreciate this will be very difficult for you but it’s necessary if you want to lead a happy and healthy life. A quote that I heard springs to mind at this point, I’m not a religious person, but it contains a great truth: “God will not have his work made manifest by cowards”.

I believe it’s really important to do what you love. You owe it to yourself and the world. Don’t give in to fear. Stay positive and most importantly persevere! It will be hard and confusing and take time, but just make a start now and then keep going. Good luck!

Glad to be of assistance. On more thing I didn’t say, but now I realise would be useful to say is that, you don’t OWE your parents anything. By all means, it is right to respect your parents, but the fact that they have raised you, cared for you, invested a lot of money in educating you etc, that is the responsiibility of a parent in raising children, but there is no law of the universe saying that you have to then pay them back in some way. If you don’t believe this then you believe you owe them something and put a leash around your neck which your parents have hold of. The great philosopher Kahlil Gibran summed this up well when he said: “Your children come through you, but they are not of you”, meaning that parents do not ‘own’ their children and cannot rightly claim anything back from them.

I realise that in some cultures (e.g. Chinese) family ties are often much stronger than in the west, so it can make it harder to assert your independence in such situations. However, like I said, it’s about the mutually constructive choice (win win), you can still support your family, but make sure that it’s by doing what you want to do, not what other people want you to do.

Sometimes doing the right thing means disappointing people. Try not to worry about what other people think too much. It really sounds like you need to put number 1 (yourself) first more. Whenever you feel afraid and want to turn back, which will happen when you start being more assertive, just remember that you’re acting on what you believe is the the right thing, so there’s no need to feel guilty.

All the best.