livingreality,

I’m sorry for the suffering you’re experiencing, and know how disorienting it can be as we’re processing difficult emotions. We have a real conundrum: on one hand we don’t want to blame others for our painful emotions, but the appearance that they are the cause of the pain can be quite convincing! Said differently, there is no shame in having emotions, dear sister, we all have them… and figuring out how to find our balance can be tough. A few things came to heart as I read your words.

First, you don’t create his response. You have some emotion, like jealousy or fear, and his response isn’t very compassionate. Sure, you blurt it out at him… but then you see someone with “hatred” of you, and feel small. Consider that were he to meet you with compassion, his eyes would remain soft and understanding. I think “hatred” is a little dramatic… you blert, and he gets mad. You jab him with some words, and instead of seeing past the outside into the scared goddess that is looking for assurance, he feels some pain and anger. Perhaps then because you just want him to assure you (darn non-psychic men!) you get more fiery, so he gets more angry, so you press harder and on and on. This is a very common cycle, and there is nothing especially unusual or unworkable in you or your relationship.

The solution for this cycle is to speak up before the pressure turns the emotion fiery, angry, or mean. Said differently, you have needs and emotions that are valid and worth expressing, but to let them build and twist until they become divisive and thorny doesnt give either of you a good chance at communicating. For example, if you wait until you are about to burst before hopping up at the last second to go pee, it becomes very difficult to let out a small trickle. Its like whoosh or nothing. Your needs and emotions are much like that. So, for example, if you feel jealous, still talk to him about it, but with more grace. Own up sooner. Its like a glass of milk spilled at a breakfast table. “Yeah, oops… didn’t want the milk all over the table, but here it is. Where’s a towel?”. With emotions, its the same. “My love, I’m feeling angry/insecure/distant, and I could use some help. Will you sing to me your love for me? My heart could use a reminder of our mountaintop.” Or, whatever gentle words come to heart as you try to settle and relax whatever spooked you.

If you do find yourself bursting out with a barbed phrase or action, consider apologizing as soon as you see it. You don’t want to jab at people, especially someone you love. But, something very real and challenging pops up, so a little support would go a long way. Also consider that passionate people often get a little blerty when they become scared, confused, or hurt. If he can accept that about you, and that you’re trying, then as he reaches out to you from the heart, the trust grows and you feel free to act on more of your creativity and passion… which I am sure he enjoys! Its a win-win.

Its never too late to salvage a relationship that has difficulties with communication. However, it depends on mutual desire and interest. Does he wish to stay and try?

Namaste, sis, may you find peace.

With warmth,
Matt