Daniella,

I’m sorry for the suffering you’ve been going through. I’m glad to hear you’re in therapy, that can help a lot. Sometimes we get really impatient with ourselves, and want everything to be fixed now. Because, now is painful, and we just want to feel better. You’re actually in a very fertile place, because now is the time you can throw your hands in the air and scream “what the heck is going on here, something isn’t right”. Then, slowly, patiently, over time you can begin to heal. A few thing came to heart as I read your words.

Women that consider themselves overweight often have such a terrible time finding their beauty. We’re surrounded by images on TV and in movies of what a beautiful woman looks like, and its such crap. However, if you have a lot of fat on your body, the question isn’t “what can I do to become beautiful”, rather “what is the fat protecting me from?”. When we get stressed, sometime we eat to feel safe.

As you move through therapy, the issues that spin around in your mind and heart can come to rest, and the weight will just slide off. Not only will your body find better comfort (such as self nurturing in more balanced ways) but your overall energy will increase, which will help your activities become more rigorous and less sitting. The key though… be patient and gentle with yourself. You’re on a good path, a beautiful path of recovery from your past. It takes time, dear sister, and in the meantime, just make little choices that help you grow into the being you want to be. Maybe grab a glass of water instead of soda, or have a spontaneous dance party with your kids. Over time, each of those little choices knit together into a boost in your self love.

As for the guy, perhaps its a good time to step away for romance, so you can find out how to comfort and love your own body in a healthy way. This whole “what if I missed my chance” kind of thing is hogwash. With him or another, when your heart is ready to connect, someone will arrive. However, relationships usually only work long term when both people are whole and self loving.

Finally, don’t forget to play! All these tendrils and issues have a tendency to pull us down, make us forget that there is an inner child that loves to play. Let her out! Laugh, dance, sing, joke, be dorky, silly, outrageous and goofy. Our whole life can become a garden of curiosity and magic, if only we remember how to play. Here’s a joke to help you start: What’s the difference between snow-men and snow-women?

Snowballs!

With warmth,
Matt

Hi daniella,
i will try to explain your situation by letting u know few things which i had experienced in my life…….i am just lonely guy from india..i really help people a lot and try to expect more care/affection/love from people around me….i value myself in the way in which people value me….it’s like,my self esteem is always supported by people emotions and often i used to reach breakdown state, as i couldn’t always meet same person with same kind of value projected on me….i always expected people to behave like perfect humans/robots..

slowly i got slipped into loneliness and i considered being lonely is much desired rather than staying with people who constantly hurts me due to my over expectations on them….i perfectly know that the problem stays with me(expecting too much from people)..but i couldn’t stop expecting,it’s basically due to neglected love from my parents during my childhood……depression finally conquered me and i felt everyday alone with everything which a person can really dream to have(i had money,computers,phones,friends,books ,no girl friends ..even with all these things ,i couldn’t feel happiness)…depression pissed me off everyday and even simple things pinched me a lot..it’s just like touching a wounded part of the body

after entering into severe depression..i couldn’t deal anything in my life..i started feeling that, there is no value for my life and it’s better to die quickly,so that i can end the pain inside my lonely head.i couldn’t eat ,sleep or even enjoy the movies…i just became so frustrated that i decided to do anything for the people(even strangers),to get some care/affection..here in india, dating is not allowed…so no chance of meeting girl friends…even after helping people around me by all means..i couldn’t get what i had expected from them,because no one is ready to provide care/affection to the extent my depressed mind demands

even indian self help tools like yoga & meditation couldn’t help me..as my depressed mind was not dedicated /disciplined enough to use the yoga/meditation in the right way..so i finally met psychiatrist and he provided me few antidepressants along with a schedule to meet him for updating the antideppresants dosage,i did the same for few months and became normal

my psychiatrist had previously warned me that,i shouldn’t stop meeting him after getting temporary relief from the medicines…i seriously ignored that,because i felt that ,i had become perfectly normal..slowly i discontinued the medicines and my mind started following the past habits , finally i got pushed back into depression..

again i met my psychiatrist as i couldn’t deal with my loneliness ,he offered medicines with high dosage and perfectly warned me that ,the medicines are temporary solution to my problem and the root cause of my loneliness has to be treated for not getting this depression cycle repeated…….i ignored his words regarding root cause treatment(Behavioral therapy)…because i felt that ,he is telling me all this to extract more money from my sickness..(in-fact that’s how depressed mind thinks.. sickness to brain decision logic)

i took the medicines again and left them using after using few months,as usual i stopped meeting my psychiatrist(i thought that it’s not necessary)…again same depression cycle got repeated, this time my depression kept me in life and death situation..i couldn’t do anything in a complete day..and i started sleeping more than 19 hours/ day,,,(in previous depression stages only 14 hours maximum)…..this time i met a new psychiatrist..i heard him as the best regarding the treatment and with respect to medical fee

he told me that my behavior/habits need to be changed and i have to play major role in deciding what’s important in my life..so i started investigating my problems…i finally understood with the help of my psychiatrist that,my past is worrying me too much as i was constantly thinking about people/things which left me..so i decided to forget about my past and get back into present..

i started reading many self help books.(.even in previous depression episodes i did that )..but this time,i took it as challenge to change my habits..but all the books i read,had failed to provide proper path for internal change inside me…

finally i read this book which changed my life “The Power of Now: A Guide to Spiritual Enlightenment: Eckhart Tolle “(.u can get it from amazon)… Eckhart Tolle(Book Author) is also same kind of person, who faced depression/lonelines in his life and finally wrote the book from his past beautiful experiences.After reading the techniques which are mentioned in the book..i finally solved my loneliness by implementing all the methods in my life..

what i like to suggest you is …your are in little depression,due to the loneliness around u..the depression makes u feel /react in a strange way to simple things…even what people care about as nothing , will perfectly appear everything to u(that is the trick done my depressed mind)…i cured my depression by socializing myself with lot of friends in facebook,local parks,old age homes,orphanages…to break my depression habits,i made my mind completely busy with lot amount of work ..that’s how mind loses it’s strength in thinking about depressed feelings..finally after making myself busy with job/hobbies/community work ,along with practical tips from book written by Eckhart Tolle..i pulled myself out of the hands of scary lonely monster…

just try to do everything which makes u happy,it can be your hobbies/travel to new places/meet new people in the society every day and please buy the book written by Eckhart Tolle…after keeping ur mind completely busy for just 6 months..u will finally laugh at all the things which u had.cried/worried about…trust me that’s what i do now,,(when ever i get some memories related to my past)

if i can do it,,u can also deal with your depression… all the best..if u need any suggestions just mail me javaqueryy@gmail.com ..i will do my best to help u as a friend..

• This reply was modified 10 years, 10 months ago by adithya.
• This reply was modified 10 years, 10 months ago by adithya.
• This reply was modified 10 years, 10 months ago by adithya.

Hi Danielle, Have you asked your man to come and have a quiet talk? Texting someone doesn’t convey emotion. Surely a face-to-face talk would be best? That way you hear the tone of voice, see the facial expression and the body language.

Have you let him know that you are now in therapy and dealing with your negativity? The weight doesn’t seem to be an issue for him. Maybe for now it would be a good idea to just put it aside yourself. I get the hint that he may have a problem with alcohol. Was that a concern for you?

I hope that things work out for you in the best possible way.

Hugs, Lyla