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I know you guys will have some advice to stop the pain . . .

HomeForumsRelationshipsI know you guys will have some advice to stop the pain . . .

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  • This topic has 5 replies, 4 voices, and was last updated 11 years ago by Al.
Viewing 6 posts - 1 through 6 (of 6 total)
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  • #45468
    Garrett
    Participant

    Hey guys. So I’ve been at odds with someone who i used to consider one of my favorite people and best friends. It started when I sensed him becoming more distant. It started bothering me, I already have some social anxiety issues, so I decided to bring it up. The first time he just said to stop trying so hard and not to worry about it he’s just an asshole but if I ever wanted to talk he was there. The second time I brought it up was a similar response. Months have passed and he’s now living with me in the same apartment. I brought it up again and he got really pissed the third time. He said I was just feeling sorry for myself and that if it was up to his parents in this situation they would “beat my ass”. Every time he’s told me stuff I’ve believed it and told myself it was true just to try and make things work. This semester at college living with him has been stressful to say the least and it’s caused me to do some crazy things. I cut myself in the beginning of the semester and I’ve had a headache every day for the past 3 months. More than anything I want to work things out with him and find some happiness in the relationship. The last time we spoke about everything he said he’d forget it all and pretend that nothing had ever happened if I promised to never bring it up again. If he offered to always talk to me and if he’s my friend why would he say something like that? There’s so many more things that have happened besides just these things. What can I do guys? Two weeks ago I had my first nocturnal panic attack and it happened again last night. I wake up scared out of my mind and thrashing around in my bed and then fall back asleep. I don’t know how I can get over this without settling all of this once and all with him.

    #45501
    Chris Ellis
    Participant

    Hi Garrett,
    Here is my advice for what it is worth. I believe that there are people we find ourselves with who simply are not healthy for us to be around. This does not mean that one is bad or good, right or wrong, it is just that for some reason this other person causes thoughts and feelings in us that are not healthy. There is something in our minds or souls that react negatively with certain people for whatever reason. This may or may not be the case with you but if it is, I suggest you find another place to live and cut the communication with this person way down or even discontinue it.
    I had a situation with someone I really liked but I could not communicate with this person. Every time I tried to talk to her my communication never got through and I was left feeling misunderstood. It caused me pain and confusion and I found myself spinning. This person was not bad, she was a good person but for whatever reason she caused that reaction in me. I had no choice but to cut off communication with her. It was really hard because I adored her but it was necessary for my survival.
    If this is happening to you, do not try to explain it to the other person, he will likely not understand based on his previous reactions. Just find a new place, give a plausible excuse that does not make the other person wrong and pull away.
    From my experience, when we find ourselves driven to do harmful things to ourselves, there is a person or a situation that causes it in us. Sometimes the person is evil and doing and saying abusive things but sometimes they are not. It is just a reaction.
    This may or may not be true for you so take what you can use from this and I hope it gives you peace.
    Good luck with your situation.
    XO Chris

    #45526
    lea
    Participant

    Wow Garret, its crazy because your post seems so close to what I am going through right now! You should read the post that I just put up and we should help each other out!! Look at my latest post and you will see!

    #45528
    lea
    Participant

    @ the nocturnal panic attack, I started having those in college as well. It’s called sleep paralysis. I hate when it happens. I think I actually had a mini one this morning when trying to wake up. I had to go on anxiety medicine from stress and it truly helps a lot. I tried a few different ones and Klonopin helped the best. I know how scary sleep paralysis can be but it doesnt actually physically hurt you. You should visit your doctor or therapist though to learn some stress coping skills ( I am currently in group therapy). Chris Ellis are situations are similar as well! Please look at my latest post and give me some adivice 🙂 I would appreciate it. Garret I think you should give yourself space from your friend and not blame yourself for thier issues. If they were healthier the would at least give you a respectful response to your concerns. Just know that you tried to be a good friend and that you are not to blame for your friends unhappiness or inability to communicate. i know that sometimes we feel as though in some relationships we give, give give, and the other person just takes, takes, takes. I’ve learned that those are called unbalanced relationships and we do not deserve to be in them. Its hard like Chris Ellis said because it doesnt mean they are not good people but it means that they are not recipricating the kind of love and respect that you need. Which is especially hard if you spend so much energy trying to make them happy or solve their issues. Just use that energy to take care of yourself. If your friend cares they will reach out to you. If not then you should just let them go. You need someone in your life who is an asset NOT a liability.

    #45538
    Chris Ellis
    Participant

    Well said Lea!
    Sleep paralysis is that period of sleep when your body does not respond to brain messages to move because otherwise you would be running around while you are asleep. It is a normal transition between sleep and wakefulness. It can be scary when we wake up before our bodies fully do. The key is not to panic and gently remind your body to wake up. It works. It helps to also realize that we are not our bodies and we can control them. They do not have to control us.
    As a personal note, I would limit drugs for anxiety as they can have side effects. That is my own personal thought and is not meant to make anyone wrong or be judgmental at all. Each person must make the decision that they feel is right for them.
    I always believe that stress has causes in life. It doesn’t just happen and if you can find and correct the cause, you will be happier and your stress will be easily handled. It could be people or situations that need to be addressed and for each person it is different. One rule of thumb I have found to work every time in detecting people that I should avoid is this: Anywhere in life where you do not call your soul, your own, you have a situation you probably need to address. By calling your soul your own, I mean, do you have to walk on eggshells? would someone be upset if you pursued what you knew to be the right course of action for you?
    If the answers to these questions are yes, figure out who it is and try to handle it with them. if you cannot, then separate out from them. Your stress will magically diminish. Look through all areas of your life with this criteria and handle the things that you see. You can create a whole new life!
    Lea your advice to Garret, I thought was great! I think that people in general need to look at they way they are treated and ask themselves if someone you loved was being treated this way by another person, would you be ok with it. If not, then you can’t allow yourself to be treated that way. It is not ok.
    Garret I hope these things help you! It is tough to pull away but its like surgery. You get better and wonder how you ever lived like that before.
    Give yourself a pat on the back and treat yourself to something nice. In fact, treat yourself like you would treat the person you most love in the world. Don’t do anything to yourself that you would not do to anther person that you love. We have to be our own best friends always.
    good luck you guys!
    XO Chris

    #45606
    Al
    Participant

    Garret,

    Take this into consideration: he, like you, is imperfect. Do not expect him to have the best of social etiquette. Also, consider that, like you again, he may have his own set of contemplations hence the ‘distancing’. Stay a caring and considerate friend and give him the time he needs to figure things out. Just inform him that you’re there if he needs to talk and in the meantime concentrate on your own life and loves. Best of luck to you.

    Peace

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