Jen,

I’m sorry for the stickiness to what you’re going through, and the suffering that comes with it. There were only implied questions in your post, but a few things came to heart as I read your words.

First, on his side. Consider that he is in tumult, with a lot of conflicting emotions running around. The father role is starting to grow, and it can be confusing to say the least. Perhaps you can give him space. Not space as in not talking to him, but the space to ramble and rant and work his junk out. He may feel resentment or anger or whatever, and tosses those barbs at you like you caused his feelings. Of course you didnt, he is the sole owner of his body and responses. However, giving him space is a lot of seeing it through his eyes and not letting yourself get caught up in the barbs and arrows that fly toward you when he is in blame mode. They are like a kid throwing a temper tantrum that they don’t want to eat their vegetables. He is suffering, doesn’t want to be the source of it, and so blames “other” be it you, fate, his parents, the mom… whomever or whatever it takes to feel some release of the stress that’s boiling inside him. Said differently, its not about you, even if he says it is about you. Its not.

Secondly, don’t be a punching bag. If he is a good man, and just suffering and flailing unskillfully, that’s fine, normal and expected considering the conflict he is going through. Let it pass through you, nod and smile, reach deep for your heart and understanding and let his arrows settle. If he’s an ass that just blames you and others for all his issues, then perhaps letting him figure out who he is at a distance would be healthier for both of you. If you’re getting wounded through your connection to him, perhaps step away for now and let yourself heal. You have a beautiful and sacred heart, and it is up to you to care for it, nurture it, and see it blossom. That is really hard to do when another’s fiery emotions are being projected toward you.

Finally, make sure that you do lots of self nurturing during this difficult time for you. It can’t be easy to see someone you love having a child with another, and don’t get so caught up in his story that you neglect your own. You have so much potential and so much passion… you are 100% worth taking the time to grow your heartsong strong and wise. Namaste, sis.

With warmth,
Matt