Sufi,
I think it is courageous and wonderful that you are trying to change something that’s been part of you since you were 8 or younger: your anger. It will be a lot of work, but you sound motivated to face this challenge!

That said, I also think it is very unwise of your fiance to remain so close to you when you are angry. Even when one puts a tantrumming angry child in a corner, you walk away! There is NO rational discussion when we are in our reptilian flight or fight angry phase! He needs to walk away and wait until you calm down and approach him when your rational state has returned! It is unsafe and impractical for him to be nearby!

It seems that although you are externalizing your anger by directing it at objects and finace, you have a lot anger towards yourself and and your family from when you were 8 and it’s bottled up. It just explodes when you see small things around the home that bother you. I would try a little self-compassion towards yourself to alleviate some of that anger. http://www.self-compassion.org/ Counting is definitely difficult to do in the heat of the moment. Have you tried something more active such as going for a walk by yourself? It would get you fresh air and time away from your fiance as well. Do you journal? Writing can be very calming. Yoga and meditation using a mantra and mula beads along with aromatherapy helps me too.

In addition to your anger, you’ve quit your job and stopped exercising. It may be difficult, but exercise and healthy diet are crucial to your mood. Would your fiance or someone else you know be willing to exercise with you to keep you on the exercise routine? Have you sought professional help to treat your depression? It may be difficult to get through the anger when you’ve got such depression going on. You may want to try treating that first.

Be patient. All of your emotions will take time to process so even though you want to change, it won’t happen overnight!

Sufi,

I’m sorry for the painfulness and confusion you go through, and can understand why it is so difficult to work with such passionate emotions. Sometimes when we get caught up in things around us, such as the clothes on the floor, they present a gravity that seems inescapable. Don’t despair, dear sister, there is always a path to joy. A few things came to heart as I read your words.

I am really impressed by your awareness of your difficulties. Its worth noting that many people try to address the partner’s problems with clothes instead of the anger and entanglement. Give yourself some well deserved credit, your heart is stronger than you think it is, or you wouldn’t be asking these questions. You’re a good person stuck in a weird and painful cycle, not some demoness.

Buddha taught that we have a fundamental ignorance on how to find balance and peace. We are conditioned by our parents and teachers, and often get stuck in cycles like you’re experiencing. You’re very normal, usual, and capable. Consider that you’re resisting the cycle with all your might, and that is fantastic.

All you really need is to learn to aim more directly, to cut at the cycle directly. Counting and breathing can help, but from your description it is more like a squirt gun trying to put out a forest fire. Instead, consider that perhaps you need to spend some time outside of the flames in order to help you remain stable during. Said differently, it is before and after the explosions that your work needs to be done, not during. During, your mindfulness and love is absent, missing… the fire is too hot to pull in the soothing water. So what we do instead is pull in the water when we are calm, and the fire naturally soothes, becomes less flary.

This can be done by any number of self nurturing methods, but the best I’ve found is metta meditation. Metta is the energy of loving kindness and friendship inside our chest, and does amazing things to our body. It makes it more resilient to our triggers, it gives our mind a peaceful and smooth quality, reduces stress, and builds a bridge between our body and joy. Consider checking out “guided metta meditation” on YouTube and exploring a little. There are many great guides out there.

Next, the symptoms you describe…. anger, loss of sexual drive, depression… make sense why they would be arising as you begin to make a home with your partner. The little girl that witnessed what “husband and wife” looks like way back when is scared. Of course you’ll never be your dad, so you can drop that right now. You have some fear and some learning to do, but you’re not him, and won’t be. Your heart is far too open for that. Consider that when you moved in together, suddenly it was all very real. It wasn’t just wishing or dreaming or what it might be, it is the sudden viewing of all of the beauty and grime, in him and inside you. This is normal, and the metta practice will perhaps help with that as well by giving you the spaciousness of mind to see the beauty for what it is. Said differently, as you become more calm and less stressed, the agitation from the little things will hopefully (usually) dissipate.

If your partner’s calmness is strong, there is a practice which may help both of you. If you can accept that you are a loving being with the burden of an angry pattern, then consider talking to him about it when you’re both calm. Stop “I’m so unworthy of you” and blah blah blah, that’s bullshit. You’re worthy, just suffering. Instead, consider “my love, I am suffering with this pattern of anger, and would like your help.” The practice happens on both sides. On your side, you have to reach through the haze of flames, stand against the anger. So, when you’re standing there, looking at your partner and seeing the ugly, shitty being who did this and that to you, feeling the hate and frustration searing through your veins… reach back and remember that your body is just angry. And then try to surrender. Instead of “me vs him”, consider “hurt Sufi desperately hanging onto the edge of a cliff, suffering with painful feelings.” Then, let go and fall into his arms. From his side, when he sees the rampaging bull of a Sufi rearing and roaring, he doesn’t try to shift you this way or that. Instead of “calm down”, he holds you quietly, humming to you or just saying “I love you Sufi, so beautiful and strong, passionate and courageous” and so forth. With luck and practice, the clouds clear and the heartbeat returns so easily. It is like a lightning rod, helping you ground out that energy and physically, directly helping you let go, opening up the space.

Namaste, Sufi, I hope you find your peace and love, and learn to balance your passionate spirit with your compassionate heart.

With warmth,
Matt