fbpx
Menu

On incessant self-doubt and anxiety

Home→Forums→Emotional Mastery→On incessant self-doubt and anxiety

New Reply
Viewing 6 posts - 1 through 6 (of 6 total)
  • Author
    Posts
  • October 21, 2013 at 4:07 pm #44110
    Andrea
    Participant

    I think I should mention that back when I wasn’t bothered to this extreme with this, I did whatever I would normally do. That means, whenever an opinion would pop up over something I would watch on the net, I would post it on FB, I would say things that are on my mind, despite the fact that I would feel uncomfortable for a bit.

    But all this talk with this man has led me to believe (or anxiety tells me this) that everything I ever want to say is just to get approval. And that’s just not true.

    That and I’ve tried therapy, and found that the best thing that works for me is Acceptance and Commitment Therapy (though, unfortunately, there are no practicing psychologists with this line of work here), so I’ve read very lightly about it.

    • This reply was modified 11 years, 6 months ago by Andrea. Reason: Adding an extra detail
    October 21, 2013 at 4:22 pm #44112
    Matt
    Participant

    Andrea,

    Respectfully, it seems the person you consulted with was more of a warrior than mystic, though many don’t know the difference. Battle the ego? What a funny thing to say! That’s like punching the earth. Buddhism means different things to different people, but trying to conquer thoughts is not usually what is taught… its about peace, kindness, enjoyment.

    Perhaps you could try some metta meditation (YouTube “Sharon metta guided meditation” if you’re interested). Its quite different, more about refueling and calming than “seeing deeper”. Its a warm friendliness that arises in the chest area, and allows us to be at ease, calm.

    For your dad and other arguers, usually its best to disengage with people who are trying to prove. One way is to accept that different people have different views. Its OK if your dad is prolife and you’re prochoice, for instance. You don’t have to be the same to share love, to hug him or feel his love for you. If he presses a point, perhaps “oh, maybe you’re right”. You don’t have to adopt his view, just let him have it.

    Sometimes the lesson of the thorn bush is simply not to press our face into it… not navigate to prove anything. Trust your heart, its wise.

    With warmth,
    Matt

    October 21, 2013 at 4:56 pm #44113
    Andrea
    Participant

    Matt,

    That’s what I thought as well. It just seems so unkind to yourself to do that. You can try to maybe trascend the “rigid” ego (the one that sees things in black and white) but to crush it and eliminate it through pain (he even preaches about being willing to fail so that the ego can diminish)? No.

    I’ve made some advancements in that area, by accepting my dad for who he is (even if his way of doing things wouldn’t be my personal choice). But some part of me (a little agitated voice) just feels so inferior and crushed whenever he finds some way around a point. It’s like I’m unwilling to see that my opinions are of value too, and not through him, even if he disagress with me. It really is painful because it’s even affecting my studies and my thinking (which is why I blame it mostly on anxiety, that has caused me to cause these habitual patterns of thought; it’s just afraid of being disproven in argument and not having anything to say). And the tricky part is, it’s not something that never happens (as it happens with most people with anxiety that overdimentionalize things that never happen), but it does (whenever I want to share views on the table and “jump in” to the discussion) and I feel uncomfortable… 🙁 You’d think that I’d gotten desensitzed about it by now but I haven’t. Perhaps I should just give my body more time to heal?

    I guess the key is just to be mindful. Because some part of me wants to destroy my self-esteem whenever I do understand a point that he makes (because then it means that mine is “wrong” and therefore, I’m “wrong” and “stupid”).

    Can you please go a little more in depth about the lesson of the thorn bush? I would appreciate it.

    October 21, 2013 at 5:00 pm #44114
    Andrea
    Participant

    I’m also afraid that by not engagin in this “painful” activity, the obsession is going to stick more until I “confront” it. Should I dismiss that?

    October 21, 2013 at 8:50 pm #44126
    Matt
    Participant

    Andrea,

    What an incredible mind you have! I’m really impressed by the depth and potency of your response. In this case, I dont think the key is to be mindful, rather, the key is to be humble. Consider there are many things present during an argument that are beyond the “what is true” aspect. There is the power struggle of who is “better” or who has the dominant ideas, the “best” points, the “alpha”. There are all sorts of logical fallacies and manipulations and so on and so forth. Its a thorny mess! We might feel like there’s a way through, such as “debating anyway and living with the pain” as though it is an act of redemption or proof we’re smart or valuable or whatnot. Its like cutting through a thorn bush thinking there is light on the other side, if we can only break through…

    If we just abandon the thorn bush altogether, we can begin to accept that we know what we know, and we don’t what we don’t, and instead of getting confidence from “being right” we can get it from “doing our best” “being open” or “being loving”. Arguing to be right is empty of any lasting nourishment, because we feel pride if we’re right or shame if we’re wrong. When we remain humble, we’re naturally moved to curiosity. “What can I learn here? What can we uncover in this moment of connection? What does my dad think? What game is he playing? Where’s his heart?” and so forth. Your mind is amazing, perhaps you just need better aim. 🙂

    Remember that inside each of us is a Buddha (namaste), and as we come together and sing for one another from the heart, we mutually find wisdom and peace. Said differently, if your dad plays to win, let him win… who cares? Play your own game, like being kind to someone who plays to win, or letting go of the connection between your confidence and “being right”. Those are more nourishing games to play, and sidestep the thorn bush altogether. Or, we can laugh at ourselves for pressing into it again, if we grab our armor and try to win the battle, cut through to the light on the other side. Think about it, if you win, your dad loses, and how distressing it must be to feel beaten by your own daughter! Dads often think of themselves as the protector and wise man, so its possible you’re challenging a lot more than an idea!

    With warmth,
    Matt

    October 21, 2013 at 10:41 pm #44143
    Andrea
    Participant

    Matt,

    Your words are an ailment for the heart. It’s a relief: knowing that there are incredibly kind people out there who are willing to help, especially after said experience Everything you have said makes sense and I hope to apply it when the moment comes. I have to admit, though, some part of me (the anxiety energy in my body that feeds to my brain) is questioning and ruminating about the whole thing, taking the matter to extremes. Some part is also upset (the childish part?) because of the disconnection between “being right” in this scenario and my self-esteem (which was the part that I felt healed my heart the most). It really is silly though, and it’s just my mind wanting to ruminate and bring forth more worry into the mix. I will let it come through, though, it’s normal for my state.

    I’m thinking about situations in school, when I want to participate and bringa point forth. I can’t deny it that it feels good when a professor approves of something or fellow classmates agree. Somehow (and I’m thinking this is all the gunk left by said ‘Buddhist” who wanted me to destroy all notions of pride) my mind wants to feel that doing that is wrong and that I should refrain from it. So, I’m left in a weird position. Ack, how the mind always wants to play in terms of black and white! How it can never be okay with flexibility! Again, I will stay aware of this and let it come through. It can’t harm me.

    Interpret it according to your spirituality (I’m Roman Catholic formally but I tend to lean towards interfaith and knowledge of all belief systems), but you are a God-send. I will definitely try that metta meditation tonight.

    Namaste 🙂
    Andrea

  • Author
    Posts
Viewing 6 posts - 1 through 6 (of 6 total)

You must be logged in to reply to this topic. Please log in OR register.