Babylaughter,

It is the sad province of children that they often must carry many burdens and difficulties without the experience and physiological brain development of an adult. Narcissistic patterns swirl around a wounded self image, and closes their empathy. (This is not canon, and I’ve disagreed with other healers about the tenability of healing narcissistic patterns). Consider how isolating it is to be stuck like that child, how alone and empty. Empathy is how the feeling of love comes through, and without that, where might they seek nourishment? How do they find esteem? How do they find stability?

What came to heart as I asked those questions is precisely the sociopathic behaviors we see arising again and again. Controlling others, for instance, gives them a sense of power, a reliable interaction with their environment that allows them to feel safe. If they can control, they can prevent others from seeing the wound, from harming the self they fiercely protect. This is why anger flares up for them so often… they are wide eyed hunting most of the time, which causes information overload as soon as things slip out of their control, as soon as their reality becomes unreliable.

Its really important for us to keep our heart open to them. They are our children, and we don’t turn our back on the blind and deaf, it is not right to turn our back on the empathically challenged. Is he old enough to be a genuine threat? Are you afraid of being shot or stabbed? What danger are you in that inspires such defenses? What are you afraid of?

The successes I’ve had with narcissism have happened with a few key strategies. First, they have to come to see how their actions harm them. They might reject or be unable to see “don’t kick Suzie, it hurts her” for instance. But, they might see “if you kick Suzie, you don’t get to see that pretty smile she has, and you don’t get to have all that fun on the playground” (etc) The key has been when they realize their actions harm themselves, in physical, tangible ways, they begin to act more skillfully.

Secondly, our heart becomes inspired naturally toward healing them when instead of “dangerous sociopath”, we can see “beautiful child with an infected wound”. If we can sit in positive regard for the child, and become their ally against that wound, it can help them a lot. “Wow, I really like the way you did XYZ, look at the beauty of your art! I don’t really like the way you did ZXY, as wonderful as you are, I know you can do better.” Consider that its very likely their empathy closed from being abused, and closed because their heart could not take the pain.

The real danger we face when confronting the apathetic or violent is not from their fists or teeth, but from the way their actions can spread “closed-heartedness” to us, as we turn our backs and judge our family. Namaste.

With warmth,
Matt

Baby,

I can understand why you would feel like that, and I wonder about this thing you call trust. For instance, we would not trust a snake not to bite us, but we would trust it to act like a snake. Perhaps there is a false assumption that his actions are random, but its highly unlikely. The same patterns that trap you into mistrust trap him… but if working with his patterns and helping him isn’t your aim, what are you looking for? Validation that it is just to give up? Coping mechanisms to heal your own tender heart from the disgust?

Perhaps it isn’t morality the child needs, but better food for whatever lack that is driving his hunger, his dysfunction. Disgust is such an odd and painful emotion, usually arising when we forget that the people who are acting poorly have been taught to act that way by circumstance. Much like a flower doesn’t bloom if there is not rain, sun, and a seed, dysfunction doesn’t arise without the conditions that support it. Who’s to blame?

With warmth,
Matt

Laughter,

One of my teachers explained the arising of a painful emotion that was so entrenched, we feel that it is just. It makes sense to me why you might feel as though I was judging you, but I wasn’t, and quite the opposite. I’m a healer, by heart and trade, and spend my time breathing in the tangles of reality and breathing out my best love and heartfelt creativity. My questions were curiosity, genuine and open, with only a hope that whatever comes up between us will be mutually nourishing to our hearts, help us find joy more directly, completely. Said differently, you posed a situation, and my heart responded, and if there were whispers of judgment or assumption arising on my side, reflecting through my words, I apologize, that is certainly not my intention.

Perhaps it would be easier to understand my aim if we reframe it into a much more neutral circumstance. Imagine for a moment that we are a beautiful being, full of empathy and joy. However, every time we encounter the color orange, our heart collapses, we experience painful feelings, and our own vision of the world becomes challenged, aggressive. It seems reasonable that we have the right to live in a home without orange, and so we keep our rooms free to protect us from those emotions, those challenges. That is fine, normal and usual.

Perhaps it might be interesting and freeing to approach the color orange in a new way. Sure, we have a right to feel whatever emotions we feel, after all, we feel them. However, perhaps it can be seen that the emotion is unneeded, unhelpful, and doesn’t really serve our heart in any way. As I breathe out these letters and words through my fingers, I feel no hope or wish that you act in such and such a way, being a different being than you are. The hope is only that as you experience the child, your heart remains unburdened by anger, disgust, and the inevitable guilt that results. It might seem like a reasonable aim to try to paint the wall a color other than orange, such as making the child more moral. But as you say, there does not appear to be a way to give the child the food they need, your relations with them are limited and bound by the constraints of the relationship.

The reason to detach from the color orange is to prevent the burnout in a more skillful way. One way is through anger and judgment, such as labelling them as a sociopath, a manipulator, and a selfish user… but it seems that you’ve noticed how disempowering that is, how painful it is to your otherwise open and joyous heart.

In this way, our difficult students become our greatest teachers. When our hearts are open and our mind undisturbed, our inspiration naturally carries with it a generous giving that is unencumbered and skillful. Namaste represents just that, where the Buddha in my being bows and respects the Buddha in yours, calls to it, sings to it, helps it awaken, and your response and reaction calls back. Hand in hand, and heart to heart, we help one another become free.

That being said, being generous is only genuine if it is skillful. I would not consider your ex’s new partner, for instance, to be more humane. Not for a lack of disgust, but because her complacency is mutually afflictive. Said differently, her actions hurt herself, in being abused, and him, in allowing his actions to go on. She suffers, he suffers. That is enough, simply seeing, letting the disgust out the back door, allowing ourselves to accept that our siblings remain trapped in mutually afflicting cycles. When we bring disgust into it, we allow their suffering to spread to our own heart, create additional pain.

Because our previous exchanges have been… tenuous, I won’t press further if my aim is off, my heartsong unhelpful or uninvited. There are some practices which shore up the weaknesses of our energy, to allow our moments to pass through us without ensnaring us, and if you are interested I would of course be willing to share. I have no desire to engage in a contest of wills or credence with you, I see you as my dear sister, and above all wish to respect you and your tender and loving heart. Namaste.

With warmth,
Matt

Babylaughter,

Thank you for the kind words and the doodle. I wasn’t trying to be mysterious by being vague… just trying to keep the aim of the connection pointed in the direction that seemed necessary, most helpful. The flowery language (as you describe it) is the language of my heart, and is intended to be soft and gentle. For instance “wake up sister, you’re the light for the children in this world” seems brash and sharp to my ears, because yes, you are their teacher and guide, but you also have a heart that deserves peace, safety and joy… and there is no shame in becoming tangled up in disgust and anger. It happens to many of us, and instead of judging and correcting, my hope is to inspire the goddess to rekindle and strengthen creativity and empathy in whatever capacity I can.

You have mentioned a post by Sarah a few times, and I’d love to read her wisdom. Was that in a different thread? I don’t see a response from her, perhaps it was private or doesn’t show up on mobile or something, who knows.

One of my teachers told me that it is important to respect the teaching power of suffering. For instance, the kids in your class may suffer from the manipulations, but what a lesson to learn! We would love it if our kids didn’t have to experience painful emotions, but we can’t stop it, only forestall it a little, but sooner or later they will stumble and fall. Perhaps you see the situation like the Pied Piper, where the students will be pulled away from their happiness and lead out of town by the manipulation and selfishness. I don’t think you’d let that happen, the situation is different than your ex… so if they were being sold drugs or being beaten, you’d be there to protect them, stop it from being genuinely dangerous. Kids are pretty resilient, usually bouncing a lot easier than adults, and when we respect that suffering is a great teacher, we become free from the “oh my god, danger danger” panic sensation, and instead remain rooted in our wisdom and because panic is not distracting us, we can remain more helpful.

Being free in this way is actually far more beautiful and fulfilling. For instance, let’s say we see a hungry snake and try to feed it. If it bites us, sure it hurts and we grab a bandage and so on. However, the pain subsides and bite heals, and because we did our best to give love, the bite is just a bite, it doesn’t cause ripples in our joy. Much like getting a wax might be very stingy, but it doesn’t cause us disgust for the technician, salon or process. Its kind of expected, and blossoms within an openness that allows it to pass through, to settle without lamenting. The same is true when we see our family as hungry, seeking balance and joy, but perhaps doing so unskillfully. Naturally, our hearts inspire action and even if those actions are met with a little lashback or stinging, its OK, because we can rest knowing we did our best to do our part, nourish whatever seeds of waking and love we could, whether or not we get to see the results ourselves.

I got a chuckle from namaskar, not sure if thats common or a play on words. How about Mamaste?

With warmth,
Matt

Maybe I’m wrong, but here I am out on a limb… hanging in reading between the lines.

But I can’t tell you what I read, too long, too long for my time..or yours

I would ask you to do this one thing and see how things change.

Go up to your “narcissistic, sociopath” student. and say this “I am so glad to know you, you may be a challenge, but fact is you’ve really helping me with so much”

That’s it that’s all..

WHY? because I read the words that are never written…