Allie,

Your pain and confusion is very reasonable, and I’m sorry form your grieving. It makes sense why you would be in the habit of wanting him to be happy, and spending your time thinking about him being happy. You were together for a long time. Now when your heart wants him to be happy, “SHE” is intermixed, and the jealousy and hurt feelings come along.

Which is normal for grief, and it heals over time. I think you’re mistakenly assuming that he is just “over it” and has moved on. The odd texts and emails prove otherwise. However, it also seems clear he doesn’t want to reconcile, and also is wishy washy about his grieving. The drugs and alcohol and new girl don’t make it any easier, and probably means he is suppressing emotions, but that’s his dance, his karma.

For your side, you can approach your grief in a few ways. One is you could do metta with him as the recipient, spending time wishing him happiness even if it means he is in the arms of his soulmate, and that soulmate is not you. It will be through gritted, jealous teeth at first, but with sincerity and persistence your attachment to him will settle.

Or, you could just keep self nurturing, following your passions, and it will also erode with time, perhaps a bit slower. When painful feelings arise, try not to be swept into them (after all, you deserve to be happy) and do something nice for yourself. Sing your favorite song, take a bath, go for a walk in nature… help your body let go of the pain and move on.

With your connection to rituals, you could also get closure on your own. On a piece of paper you could write out (in your own words, your own hand) “while he and I were together as partners, we interwove and shared and experienced karma. Whatever the conditions are now, I seek to allow the debts on both side to be settled, so that healing may flow into both of us, so that we can both be free.” Then say a prayer to the karmic council and burn the page with gratitude. After all, it seems that you’d like both of you to be free. If free flowing the ideas isn’t your style, I seem to remember seeing a “silver chalice” ritual that might be found on Google. Namaste.

With warmth,
Matt

Maile,

Namaste, you’re welcome. If it hit in the abdomen that potently, you may still be pretty raw. You sound familiar with metta, so remember we go from easy to difficult. Perhaps a trusted friend or family member, then a neutral person, then him. Perhaps you could be patient and gentle with yourself as you let go, and surround it with loving activities and self care. Part of our wisdom is making space around our grief so it doesn’t sweep us in. 🙂

With warmth,
Matt