Kellie,

I’m sorry for the restlessness you experience, and can understand why it would be odd to have a silent home for a few days a week. A few things came to heart as I read and considered your words.

Imagine you go into a concert with really loud music. Drums beating, guitars roaring, singer.. well, singing. The closer to the speakers you’re sitting, the more vibration strikes against you. We perceive it as loud and perhaps the bass in the chest and so on. Then you step outside, and there is ringing in the ears, which feels painful. “What is this ringing… it doesn’t happen inside the concert hall!?!” So we seek around us for more noise so we don’t hear the painful ringing.

To bring the metaphor back to Kellie land, perhaps during the week your close concern for your partner and children is like sitting close to the speakers. So you absorb some vibrations (abusive mom, daily stressors, etc) and don’t really notice because its all about them. Getting lost in the music so to speak. Which is fine, normal… especially for “dharma moms”. Then on the weekends, as your mind unwinds its a bit painful. It has the appearance of only arising when no one is there, but it was actually there the whole time… just was covered by laughter, dinners, homework, cleaning, TV etc etc etc.

Its wonderful that you’re spending time self nurturing on the weekends. This, more than any other thing, is “getting the personal journey in gear”. From your words, being a dancer filled with love and light is more important than any specifically manifested item, destination visited, or circumstantial quality of your life. You have two blessed days, where you can spend time looking in the mirror and ask “what is here? where is my heart leading me? What is my mind and body doing with the circumstances that are here?” Etc. I see a pocket of space/time which is like an alter or meditation cushion. You have 5 days of chaos, then 2 to reflect on how well you danced, where to improve, what you did especially well, what blessings flowed through and around you. This makes for a well refueled woman come Sunday evening.

From there, other things just begin to work themselves out. As the stress (ear ringing) settles, your creative heart swells and inspires your art… whatever type of canvas you choose to express it on. To supercharge the settling of mind and emotions, consider some concentration meditation (counting breaths, breath awareness) as well as metta meditation. Imagine how nice it would feel to be able to rest in the silence, instead of worrying. That’s an available option! Namaste.

With warmth,
Matt