Hi Tee,

thank you for taking the time to read and reply.

It seems you at first weren’t too bothered by his unwillingness to commit and his talk about wanting to “explore” what’s out there. But as the time went by and the relationship got deeper, you naturally developed strong feelings and wanted to become exclusive and serious.

Yes, until a certain point it did not bother me, I don’t expect anyone to commit very early on, as I want to make sure the potential partner is a good match and we share values and other important aspects. It also did not bother me for a while as we both were not desiring to go on dates for about 6 months, basically exclusive without the label (exclusive in all actions). When this changed I expressed my discomfort and said what would work for me at this point and what would not.

He however hasn’t changed his stance (he said he feels no need to “reevaluate”), in spite of deep intimacy and great compatibility between you. Which tells me that he indeed has some fears and blocks, which won’t go away on their own, even if you two have amazing compatibility.

Yes, he said that the eve I expressed how I felt, he reached out after some time and shared how he processed everything I said and the desire to work through things for himself. Aka, actually reevaluate. I said great and left it at that (convo was face to face).

Actually I believe that his alleged desire to explore other women and engage in an open relationship might be a cop out.

I agree with you here, mostly because it is apparent that he – whether it’s conscious or not – is avoiding his feelings as those did get him in a pickle before, this was also confirmed by a therapist.

I mean, even if he doesn’t really want anyone else, his mind is telling him that he should be wanting it. And I think it’s a defense mechanism on his part, because he for some reason doesn’t want to commit. Perhaps because his marriage failed, or perhaps because he still has unresolved issues with his wife. There is a reason why he separated but hasn’t got divorced – maybe it’s not just logistical, but something else?

You are excellent with hitting the nail on the head here. I believe, from what has been shared openly, fear of entrapment and getting hurt is a major issue. The divorce is close, it has not been fully resolved because of finances, property sale, taxes etc. They share custody 50/50 and get along quite well, even tho both parties are very clear no reconciliation would ever happen. He speaks of her with respect and recognizes they simply were not a good match.

When you tried to pressure him and make him reevaluate, he came up with an even less committal solution, a solution that creates even more distance, which is an open relationship.

Yes, initially he was looking for how to make this work within the “safe” realm (what he perceives as safe, aka not losing my freedom, because atm freedom is opposite of being trapped in a relationship – this, of course, is not the truth but it is how his perception is working at this very time, I believe). He is speaking regularly to his therapist and some other sources etc., whether this will help only future can tell. Freedom to me is the ability to make a choice every day, but that’s a whole other post haha.

It’s good that you’re not desperate to have him in your life. You said you have a fulfilling life, and you also respect yourself enough not to settle for something that would demean you.

You’ve also realized that a non-committed but exclusive relationship is not an option for you either, because it would only hurt you more. I wish you to stay strong and not settle for less than a fully committed, loving relationship!

Thank you for your kind words, I feel like you have a lot of understanding and know well where I am coming from with this post, I really appreciate that. And yes, I will not back down from what I told him (and this would be same with anyone else). What does non-committed but exclusive mean? I grew up in Europe and moved to North America as an adult years ago, some of these labels still escape me 🙂 European romantic relationships are bit less complicated when it comes to labels, dating is bit more straight forward, so sometimes I still learn.

I spoke to him briefly yesterday after 3 weeks of no contact that I asked for, he said he’d like to meet and talk. I shall see what he has to say, only thing I know at this point is that he wants to address the connection we have and what he’d like to focus on. I know exactly what I want and would only consider continuing if there was a plan to properly address the fears he is struggling with and a strategy on how this can be worked on the best to both of our benefits.

Hi Alina,

Thank you for your input. I don’t know what your situation is so there is no way for me to determine if there is any correlation or similarity.

The relationship I described is not toxic (in my opinion, anyways), is simply lacked commitment on one side. I was never manipulated and he expressed from the very beginning he did not want to be exclusive (even tho we both stopped seeing other people after some time). I was ok with it until I was not so I had to tell him and express what my boundaries are. At no point was I uncomfortable, once I knew I wanted to be exclusive, I stated that and said if that is not what he wanted I am ok with it but cannot continue.

I dated a manipulative person years ago and I am  confident I can smell manipulation from around the corner :), that relationship ended, among other things, also because he did not like that I would not be manipulated.

I am not sure what you mean by him punishing me by going mute, we spoke about things openly many times and we never ceased contact, once I knew I wanted to be committed I asked him to take some time and no to reach out or talk to me so that we both can have space to think (this was weeks of no contact then, upon my request).

I hope that clarifies some of your concerns. I know exactly what I want and what I would not settle for, ever.

I wish you strength coming out of what was in your relationship past and I hope healing is going well, it is sometimes hard as it is not linear. All the best.

Hi Stellardust,

wise words indeed. Thank you for replying. I was definitely sure what I wanted and ready to move on if these wants were not mutual. After some time apart and not talking to be able to think on what is important to each of us individually, he reached out and asked to meet. I let him talk freely, he said that he feels like his fears are preventing him from being happy and that he has been doing (and wants to continue) to work on that and arrived at a decision that he wants to be exclusive. Not because he missed me (which he did but it is something one can eventually get over) but because he realized how deep the connection ran and how we come together as a team. We discussed his fears, hang ups and other things in depth, same with mine as I have them too, of course.

It was a very long conversation that felt both, exhausting and enlightening, we were both vulnerable without asking the other person to be just that. He is sure he wants to be committed and says he knows exactly why. We spoke about strategies to address feelings as they come and how to be honest with each other in the moment. So I will take it from there, we have plans for some trips in spring and summer. I’m glad I stood my ground and I still feel the same, I would have been ok either way.