Dear Crystal:

My heart goes out to you because I know, from very personal experience, how intense shame feels. And yet, here in my reply, I will not say just anything that may make you feel better. I will say only what I believe to be true.

“I’ve always been the model child and the ideal student“-  the question is how to be a model and ideal person in a world that is so far from being a model or an ideal world.

The company you worked for, the employers are very far from being model or ideal employers for “not giving their employees a single break for shifts that were quite long (6-8 hours)“. it is inhumane because people need breaks. How do you, as an employee, “stationed outside in the freezing cold without a single lunch or bathroom break… stomach started hurting“- how do you respond to this inhumane treatment in a model/ ideal way?

Before I continue, it just occurred to me to ask you: I am guessing that employees are allowed very short breaks to the bathroom; otherwise, they will soil themselves, right?

anita

Dear Crystal:

You are very welcome and thank you for your appreciation and kind words.

“About the bathroom breaks… I’ve seen two instances before where a person I was working with asked for a bathroom break but was denied… the supervisors are never around. They come once at the beginning of the shift and once at the end… But then they yell at the employees in front of everybody, staff and patrons alike“-

– the supervisors prefer to not stand “outside in the freezing cold“.. they stay warm somewhere, sitting down, maybe having hot (or other) drinks and eating snacks. The way they control the employees in their charge is by occasionally getting out into the cold, so to yell at employees in front of everyone, scaring and shaming employees into submission. It is much easier to yell on occasion than it is to stand out in the cold for hours.

Did they succeed in scaring and shaming you? Let’s see: “I feel horrible… I can’t stop shaming myself and feeling like I did indeed make a disastrous mistake… I’m unable to sleep or feel restful. The guilt and shame levels have crossed my eyeballs. I’m worried… I’m angry at myself… I’m not able to forgive myself..“- yes, they succeeded, more than they’d  normally succeed with other employees (because, like you said: “This hits me harder because I’ve always been the model child and the ideal student”).

“And as I walked out of the designated staff area, that jacket was recognised by a supervisor. He questioned me and I completely froze… Tears welled in my eyes and I started shivering. He took me to the main supervisor who was wasn’t too harsh but…  made me write my name down on a ‘sign out sheet’ before I left… I felt so scared and singled out for what he might do with that name. Report me maybe or stop assigning me shifts“- I don’t think that anything will be done with your name on the sign-out-sheet because what the supervisors wanted to do, they already accomplished: they could see your fear and tears, so.. their mission of scaring-and-shaming you was accomplished.

“I keep holding myself to the standards that are expected of ‘ideal’ members of society… If I’m not being recognised for doing the right thing, I immediately think I’m not living up to the authority figure’s expectations“- the supervisors are not motivated by what is ideal or right or just. They are motivated by having an easy and comfortable “work” experience for themselves. To achieve their ease and comfort, they scare and shame employees. Although the supervisors are authority figures in the context of this specific workplace, they are not authority figures when it comes to work ethics or humane ethics.

What authority figure or figures, if any, should you value and look up to, Crystal?

anita

Dear Crystal:

I agree with your evaluation of the supervisors, and you are very welcome. Post again anytime you would like my input and I will gladly reply to you.

“I think I need to harden myself and try to occasionally be in my own corner rather than shaming myself… I can make mistakes and when my mistake wasn’t fueled by bad intentions or causing harm to anyone, it’s okay. I have to be kinder to myself. And learn that it’s okay to make mistakes“- perfectly said, if I may say so!

“Trying to live up to everyone’s version of ‘ideal’ employee or student will only cause me trouble“- trying to live up (or down, more likely) to everyone’s version of ideal is called people pleasing. People pleasing is far from being ideal and will indeed cause you trouble. Aim at pleasing not what’s convenient self-serving for others (their subjective ideal); but instead, aim at pleasing what you believe is truly and objectively ideal.

anita