Hello Mel,

I’m sorry to hear about what you have been through.

None of us can tell you want to do, it’s just something you have to think about really carefully.

I’m a bit biased when it comes to marriage, I am very much in favour of it so my advice is coloured by this. Given that you have already been together for 8 years, I don’t understand why your Ex is not willing to marry you. What has not happened over the 8 years that mean he is still not ready? You don’t mention your ages but I’m guessing from what you have told us that you are at least in your late 20s? That is more then old enough for marriage.

With that in mind I think you have to be careful and ask yourself am I ready to be with a man who is uncertain about marriage and may never want to marry me. You need to have a long hard look at yourself and think about what sort of life it is you want in the future. What sort of lifestyle would you like and what values do you want to build your life around. Then ask yourself if your Ex able to fit in with that.

I really hope you find peace and happiness.

Mel,

I’m not usually in disagreement with Buddhist Wife’s tenderhearted words, but in this case I am. Marriage is something that I see as a stage of intimacy, where closeness and connection are so strong that both people know that it is all they want. Consider that it is actually strange to my heart to hear that you are ready to marry him. He hasn’t cultivated good listening skills, didn’t help you when you lost a loved one, has shied away from sexual intimacy… and you want to marry him? Perhaps you’ve spent so long with him that you don’t actually see who you are with, and only see the safety or the dream you have of him.

That being said, if you both wish to grow an intimacy that is mutually satisfying, the love you have for one another could certainly spark it. It takes courage on both sides, and the willingness to bend, adapt and compromise. If you think he’s worth it (not because you’ve just been with him so long, but look at who he is) then counselling is a great idea. It can help to open up lines of communication, because having a trained impartial listener can point out what is unskillful on either side.

However you move forward, please do so with slow, gentle steps. Maybe go on a few dates and see what happens. It sounds like a time of renewal, and if you go too far too fast it is likely that either or both of you will fall into old patterns. Find the girl inside Mel and let her come play. Flirt, look, question and consider. Not “how do I make this relationship work” but “who is this man”. This will help you see what your own needs and desires are, and whether or not he fits them.

Sometimes loneliness makes us seek familiar people for comfort, but once the loneliness fades, we realize we haven’t changed and the same stuff happens over again. So, we go slow, listen to our hearts, and question everything. Then we find wisdom, who we are, what makes us happy, and whether or not the man is compatible with us. If not, don’t be afraid to move on. There are many incredible men in this world, and you deserve to have a partner who is tender, caring, and gives you his attention.

With warmth,
Matt