Hi Tatertot,

Wow, that is quite a story. I’m so sorry to hear about the pain you’re going through.

My first thought is that, as painful as it is for you now, he was right to cut you off completely. You simply can’t heal from something like this if you keep being reminded of the other person, because it’s hard enough not to think about them as it is. What you need to do right now is focus on yourself, and by cutting you off he is helping you to do that. I know it’s hard, but you have to maintain your resolve not to contact him. It will get easier as time goes on. But for now, you are unable to see things clearly because of your feelings. It’s only once those feelings have dispersed that you’ll be able to see the situation as it truly is… But it takes time for that to happen.

I totally understand what you mean about feeling like you’re a good person outside relationships, but having your ugly side come out whenever you’re in a relationship. The same thing seems to happen to me, and I think it happens to a lot of people. It’s ironic, isn’t it? Why is it that our ugly side only comes out around the very people we’re supposed to love the most? I guess it’s because we don’t feel secure in our ability to love and care for ourselves, so we get desperate to hold onto the love and care of someone else.

I don’t know what else to tell you except that things will get better with time. You’re doing the right things by being active and spending time with friends and family. Keep doing those things even if you don’t feel like it and even if it seems like it’s not helping. If nothing else, being active and spending time with friends will help you resist the temptation to contact him.

And one more thing: I encourage you to open yourself up to the possibility that L is not the only guy out there for you. There are more eligible single guys out there than you could ever meet in your lifetime, many of whom could be a good match for you. Maybe some of them would even be better for you than L was. How can you know until you give them a chance? Personally I don’t believe in the idea that there’s just one soulmate out there for each of us, and I think this kind of thinking is unhealthy. Maybe you and L will get back together, or maybe you won’t. But you have to realize that neither of these outcomes will doom you to loneliness or unhappiness.

Ask yourself what you could have been meant to learn from this relationship with L. Realize that even if it wasn’t meant to last, it had a purpose: It taught you something. Take the lesson to heart and move on. You will be fine.

In the meantime, please try to have compassion for yourself. You were only doing the best you could with what you knew and understood at the time. You may have made mistakes, but that doesn’t make you a bad person.

I wish you all the best.