Tinymoon,

I’m sorry, friend, for the despair and shame that overwhelms your body. I know how dark and isolating that feels, and how it can seem like there is no warmth left, no spark to set the inner creative fire ablaze, and sitting with that emptiness is terrifying. Take heart, because there is always a path to joy.

It is so easy to look back at the child we were and bring our current perspective to him or her. We see how many opportunities we had to be ourselves, to follow our heart, and how we squandered and lost those moments. For what? We were paralyzed with fear, and it choked our creativity… and so we fell into the same mistakes over and over. We begin to realize that the burdens we’re carrying are harming ourselves (and often others, as our fire is not added to the world in a loving, peaceful way).

This is OK, normal and even necessary to grow. We all have a part of ourselves that we dislike and try to hide from… and the lucky ones realize that when we begin to see it, we can choose to set it down. To settle it. The painfulness of isolation becomes the motivation for our practice, and in practicing a new way, we are able to become stable and loving. The task of course is to find that new way. What are we doing wrong? What do we focus our time on? How do we find our unique inner heartsong and help it blossom? What is our path to joy?

What I see within your words is a very common cycle between pride and shame, and a heart which is seeking authentic humility (which is the energy that emerges when we settle or transcend the cycle).

On the shame side, or the valley of the energy cycle, there is the feeling of isolation. We feel unworthy of connection, as though we don’t deserve our dreams, that something is inherently flawed with who we are. We are stuck, alone, broken and hopeless. But something nags at us from this place. The anxiety and solitude is painful, and it pushes us toward finding validation and warmth. We want a little hope that we are good, loving people, and we start looking. This is very natural, normal part of the process, of the way our body works. Like when we put our hand on a hot stove, we feel an immediate need to jerk our hand away. When we are ashamed, we emotionally try to jerk our mind away.

This mind-jerk pushes us into pride. Sometimes we seek outward for reasons we’re good, such as reading self help books. Sometimes we make wishes such as envisioning what a “perfect me” would look like. Sometimes we look backward in time to our past and say “As queen tinymoon, I declare princess tinymoon to be unworthy, broken and indecent.” As we do these actions, seeking proof that we’re better than that, should be better than that, should be better than this, we are only punching ourselves in the mind. Said differently, shame pushes us to find connection unskillfully, and so our creative fire in the moment creates judgment of self or others’ actions, thoughts, and feelings.

This is a lose-lose-lose spin cycle as we bounce and bounce. Again, this is normal, natural and helpful in finding our humility. Buddha taught that humans, tinymoon and matt and Buddha and our parents and all the rest are born with a fundamental ignorance. We have some instincts such as suckling, but the aware part of our mind is something that has to be taught, has to learn. It would be one thing if there was good instruction on how to find inner peace and creativity. However each of us is different, and therefore stumble and struggle with finding our unique place in our heart, family, society, and the cosmos.

This makes failing inevitable. We try and struggle, rise and fall, trip and stumble over and over. Each time, we learn new things. It would be nice and fun if we were just perfect and could immediately build a pair of wings and just fly on our first attempt. Some even do, but most of us try this and that until we finally find a path that inspires our heart to song. Humility arises when we realize that it could not happen any other way. We have to go through struggle in order to find out what we like and dislike. We have to find, confront and become peaceful with our fears. We have to realize, and come to accept that these past experiences are teachers, not failures. That there is something much greater than ourselves helping to direct the flow of our mind and body. Call is God, science, psychology, the dharma, ein sof, or whatever, there is a pattern that we are a part of, subject to its laws and limitations, and part of an experiment of conscious life.

So we let go and accept our body. Pride… that just doesn’t make sense… why blame ourselves for making ignorant mistakes when ignorance is fundamental? Why feel ashamed for failing when that is the only way our conscious minds learn and explore new and difficult paths? So we let go of the whole cycle and just surrender here and now. When we open humbly to the energy, the truth, that is on the other side of the cycling cloudy ego chunks.

And we find they are quite impermanent. The cycle is empty of anything but momentum. One side fuels the other. Shame causes craving of connection which causes over compensation and we judge ourselves or others. This is unneeded, not necessary, and can be abandoned.

Easier said than done! It does require determination and courage, but provides so much relief that it quickly becomes a no brainer. The path that I have found away from the cycles is twofold. The first is we generate loving-kindness in our body. Instead of just being blown around by the jobs and the dreams and the mistakes, we sit and wish ourselves and others to be happy and peaceful. Consider looking on YouTube for “Ajahn Brahm Guided Metta”. Metta is a word which means loving kindness, which is the inner warmth, the inner loving peace that just wants all beings, including ourselves, to find joy.

The second is we develop concentration so we can step out of painful mental cycles. For instance, it may seem reasonable and usual to feel ashamed of our past mistakes. We look back and see our befuddlement, and KAPOW, shame arises. This is not good or needed. When we have metta, we can look back and ask “what was there? How easy it is to love the little kitten I was, scared and alone. Come to my chest, past version of me, I will care for you and love you.” But, if we don’t have concentration, our mind tries to sort through the last automatically, without grounding the energy of the body and mind into love first. This is like trying to drive home without gas. We settle the past only after we have the warmth in the present to approach our karma skillfully, with mindfulness and patience. The best method I know of for generating concentration is sitting meditation. As we sit and breathe, counting numbers or observing the breath, we get good at letting go of the ripples in the mind without pain or pushing. We just tend to the body here and now, and give our mind space to breathe and be well. Once we’re settled and peaceful, we can look wherever we want! To the past if we feel there is some lesson that would help us here and now, or to some path in the future we’d like to take. But as we wish it, as our mind feels fit to do, not habitually, not automatically. Ajahn Jayasaro has a great counting breath meditation that is on YouTube if you wish to try it out. His instructions are simple and effective and helping a mind develop concentration.

Please don’t give up, tinymoon. You are part of something much greater than yourself, and are not alone. There are eons worth of wisdom of love coming your way, and regret melts away as we begin to see just how critical, how important every step of our journey has been. All you have left to do is keep jumping, stepping forward with courage, and the moon passes and sun shines. Namaste, my dear and distant sibling.

With warmth,
Matt

hi tinymoon, i want to be able to offer you some advice and support as i feel like i understand a bit of what you’re going through. i also moved to the uk in my early 20s and tried to pursue my passion which in the end didn’t work out and I’ve struggled so much with insecurity, indecision, procrastination, every negative emotion and its been so difficult. but all i can say is what’s helped me through is to just keep surviving for now, anything to get you up in the morning (as long as it doesn’t hurt you or others) and finding even one small positive thing in your day to cling onto, and in time you will find something to live for again and many things to be positive about. I say this as ive found myself alone and lost like I never felt before (as if ive been dropped in the middle of the ocean without the ability to swim) but after a period of time of surviving I found a natural rhythm and felt so much better and even happy.

what i like to tell myself: ‘when it feels like i dont know what to do with my life and i won’t go anywhere or achieve anything just remember small steps, anything to keep going is good and all you can do until something clicks’

i wish you well and happiness