Dear Madina:

“I’ve always dated men, but I had abusive violent relationships. .. men hurt me… I am scared of men, I am so scared of being hurt or abused again, I don’t feel safe around them…. for me it’s safer to be around women“-

-it is safer for you to be around women because you are not romantically or sexually involved with them. If you were, you wouldn’t be safe from relationship violence.  Relationship violence is so common in lesbian relationships that there is a whole Wikipedia entry on the topic titled  Domestic violence in lesbian relationships. It reads in part: “The issue of domestic violence among lesbians has become a serious social concern… Some sources state that gay and lesbian couples experience domestic violence at the same frequency as heterosexual couples, while other sources state domestic violence among gay, lesbian, and bisexual individuals might be higher than that among heterosexual individuals”.

From Ananaias Foundation which offers help in regard to domestic violence: “Despite our assumptions about domestic violence, rates of abuse in LGBTQ relationships are as high, if not higher than in heterosexual relationships. In fact, it affects bisexual women and transgender people more than any other groups”.

Were you aware of this information and if you weren’t aware, does it make a difference to you in regard to the topic of your thread?

“I had abusive violent relationships“- would you like to elaborate on this: how many of your relationships with men were abusive and violent, what was the nature of the abuse and violence…?

anita

Hi Madina

I’m sorry to hear that you are struggling with these anxious thoughts about your sexual orientation and that you have had difficulties with abusive relationships.

You mentioned that you experimented with your sexuality when you were younger. To me this means that perhaps your sexuality has remained similar. Since things are similar, I don’t expect you to suddenly become attracted to your female friends. You would probably have experienced those feelings already.

There is another possibility… Perhaps you are attracted to both men and women? What do you think?

It is understandable that you feel reluctant to date men considering the difficulties you have experienced with heterosexual relationships.

It sounds like you are in a state of high anxiety. During this period it is important to take care of needs that balance emotions. Eating, sleeping (even if you need sleeping pills or supplements) . It is important to self-soothe and do activities that you find relaxing. What are some activities that you find relaxing? I would suggest catching up with your friends or family too.

I wonder, what kind of traits you value in a partner?

Hi Madina

When we avoid something fear of it grows because avoiding it reinforces the idea that we were correct to avoid it.

It sounds like you are very aware of the difficulties you have with relationships and where these difficulties stem from. Working with a therapist may help you move past these issues .

You don’t have to date, if you don’t want to. It seems like you’re putting a lot of pressure on yourself to figure this out now. From my understanding you are currently not attempting to date? Is this correct? When you feel safer and there is someone that you are interested in, I’m sure that things will become clearer.

Dear Madina:

You are very welcome. As far as thanking me for this forum, I am a member here, like you (although a very active member). I too appreciate tiny buddha and am very thankful to Lori Deschene who owns and runs tiny buddha.

I read and re-read your posts and I detected nothing to indicate that you ever were lesbian or bi-sexual. What you did in college when drunk does not count as evidence of sexual orientation, nor does you having watched lesbian porn and liking it. What you shared indicates to me that you are a heterosexual woman who suffers from elevated anxiety. It is so common for elevated anxiety to attach itself to the question am I homosexual?  that there is a term for it: hocd, standing for Homosexual Obsessive Compulsive Disorder  (ocd is fueled by elevated anxiety).

“I always ask them to break up with me and provoke them. When I was 6, my father left…  And then he re-married, I was very jealous. And actually jealousy is a big thing in my relationships, the reason that I sabotage them. I am scared that the guy will look at other girls, like them” – you must have loved your father very, very much, and when he left, it hurt very, very much. So much that when you start loving a man, you want him to leave before you love him too much.

“I fell in love with a guy, but he is in a relationship, another disappointment and I’m just like ‘maybe  lesbian?’ “- as troubling as your hocd is for you, your brain figured- without consulting with you- that it’s less scary to consider that you are lesbian than it is to become more aware/ more in touch with how much it hurt the little girl that you were to lose her father, and worse, to lose him to another family. So your brain does the less scary thing.

The result: on one hand you need and want love with a man, and on the other hand, you are scared that love will hurt you by leaving you. Did your father have children when he remarried, and if he did, how did you feel about it?

anita

Dear Madina:

“I am terrified to love someone too much, the last time I had big and huge love, the guy used to be physically violent, but I kept loving him and couldn’t leave and break up”- I guess this means that the next time you start loving someone, you’ll make sure that he is not violent before you get in too deep.

“I remember the first time I saw him kissing his wife, I was destroyed, I felt so broken“- this reminds me of the one time I saw my mother (who was divorced from my father) hug a man, the only man she was involved with after her divorce. I  was a child, don’t remember my age, but I cried loudly, out of control, wouldn’t calm down, hysterical.  I never quite understood why. Maybe you can help me understand because you described something similar..?

anita

Dear Madina:

You are very welcome. “love.. been taken away“- this wording speaks to me. “love belongs to me” speaks to me as well. It is amazing how scared we get, as children, when love is taken away, maybe as much as if we were very, very hungry and food was taken away from us.

I am suspecting that I wouldn’t have reacted the way I did if I was sure of my mother’s love for me before the incident. I was probably in doubt of her love, or already scared that she didn’t love me enough, and seeing her hug that man pushed my fear over the edge. What do you think… in regard to your situation?

anita