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Are Relationships Even Worth The Effort?

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  • May 26, 2022 at 8:15 pm #401249
    Anonymous
    Inactive

    Thank you.

    May 27, 2022 at 7:03 am #401258
    Anonymous
    Inactive

    To kind of add to my point, Anita replied to HoneyBlossom in a thread and said:

    ”I have learned from communicating with hundreds or thousands of members on these forums in the last 6.5 years, that when we experience a significantly troubled childhood, as adults we keep re-experiencing the same emotional experience of childhood. Sometimes we HOPE (especially as teenagers and young adults, but later too) for a change because of this person or that person, or because of this or that event or change of locations and circumstances…but that hope doesn’t materialize.”

    Anita put what I was thinking perfectly into words. This is what I was meaning. My ‘trauma’ is going to keep materializing throughout my relationships, as well as my deep rooted insecurities and learned coping behaviors- which I could imagine would ruin all of them. I’ve read of people in relationships who love their partners but are so anxious and upset that they are going to be abandoned- that their life is just miserable  is this doomed to be me? As I asked above: How did you overcome learned traits from childhood trauma? Are there any individuals out there with abandonment issues that have or have had healthy successful relationships?

    thank you.

    May 27, 2022 at 12:29 pm #401346
    Peter
    Participant

    Hi Leaagain

    How did you overcome learned traits from childhood trauma?

    By making them conscious and realizing at a deep level that you are not your memories, you are not your past – you have memories, you have a past.  By making them conscious, perhaps with help from a therapist you take ownership of what belongs to you and what doesn’t. The aim is to develop healthy boundaries that being healthy will aid in the developing or relationships with your self and others.

    Relationships are crucibles in which we discover ourselves. You don’t need to be in relationship to discover yourselves but nothing like a relationship to push/pull a person into the process.

    A purpose of relationship is to heal the past. What I mean is that in relationship your ‘ghosts’ of the past are going to come out to play with your friend and or partners ‘ghosts’ . Thus that need to be conscious of them, shine a light on them. Healthy boundaries will help work through those times when a person in relationship is triggered by the past. A healthy relationship can be the best place to coming to terms with our past hurts, shadow, and projections (Projections, shadows, hurts… usually all mixed up together)

    Do you risk relationship, is it worth it?

    That is something only you can answer. As humans we are really good at justifying the answer to such questions. However I might argue that if your answer is all justifications  your probably not being honest with what you really want. (Justifications tend not to make healthy boundaries as the tend to lock away all possibility. )

    My advice for what its worth. Be Brave, do the work in coming to terms with your past/memory (you are not your memories) know your boundaries and see what might show up.

    Its said Only Love can break a heart. That I believe is a truth if a ironic one.
    Yet a broken heart is a open heart and oh what that might a open heart experience.  Scary I know… but scary can be fun?

    May 27, 2022 at 1:35 pm #401349
    Anonymous
    Inactive

    Dear, Peter:

    Thank you for the response in this thread. I appreciate it. I think you’re right about the justifications- and what I want. what I really want is to have healthy relationships- be in at least just one relationship that is two sides and equal. to have shared compassion and empathy with another person- but I guess I always thought that I needed to be ‘realistic’ only really lucky people find that- right? Your advice:

    “My advice for what its worth. Be Brave, do the work in coming to terms with your past/memory (you are not your memories) know your boundaries and see what might show up.”

    Is really good advice. Thank you. I’m really going to just focus on that. Thank you. I hope your day is wonderful.

    sincerely, Lea

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