Dear cm:

Welcome to tiny buddha. You and I have a couple things in common: my mother too was BPD and I also ended contact with her (back in 2013).

Not all people who fit the BPD diagnosis are the same person, of course: my mother didn’t have a problem with alcohol, and she did not party, but she exhibited these same behaviors as you described regarding your mother: “she was… yelling at us, talking behind our backs, hit us sometimes, put us down… name calling. She displayed very inappropriate behavior… blab over and over the same stories for hours and not listen to me at all… She’d talk horribly about my dad to me, and give me really inappropriate details and stories that no one needs to know about their parents… ever… She will never ever apologize, she just blames…. for HER abusive and inappropriate behaviors towards us… erratic behavior” (My mother talked horribly about everyone to me, she gave me really inappropriate details and stories about everyone, she blamed me for her abusive behaviors toward me).

When I read: “It came to a point that I felt like I had a life draining leech on me 24/7, my stress levels were through the roof and I couldn’t deal with it bleeding into every aspect of my life anymore” – I remembered that I used to think of my mother as a vampire, sucking the life out of me.

“So, last October, I told her I’m sorry but I’m going no contact” – congratulations, you did the right thing!

“I told her…  that I’m here for when she’s ready to address the issues at hand and that I’m here to help her when she’s ready to receive treatment” – that was nice of you to say, but although it is possible for some to seek treatment, it is unlikely that a person fitting a personality disorder diagnosis would seek treatment for the personality disorder.

“The one mean thing I did say, out of frustration, that I regret, is that if she keeps this up, she will have no one left and die lonely” – I don’t see anything wrong with what you told her, other than it making you feel badly. I don’t think that it made her feel badly (or at least, not for long). From what you shared, I don’t think that she cares what you think and feel, so no harm done to her by what you said.

“I never really bonded with them. I became very secluded, self-reliant… I guess I feel a lot of guilt… I’m also feeling like I abandoned her in a time of need” – I believe that you feel guilty because when you were a baby and a young child, you naturally felt a strong bond with your mother… you just forgot how it felt because of the many years of emotional distance from her. You learned to be self-reliant, but the old bond did not disappear. Some of it awakened when you ended contact with her, didn’t it?

“I know that she is greatly suffering” – but not because of you, not because you ended contact with her. If you renew contact with her, she will continue to suffer, just as she suffered when you had contact with her, including through the years that you lived with her.

If you renew contact with her, she will suffer, and you will suffer (more than you currently suffer from guilt).

“If you’ve made it this far, thank you so much for your time. I would appreciate any insight, as well as tips for getting through. Please be honest with me if I should feel some guilt for not sticking around and my hurtful comment made in haste” –

– you are welcome.  1) No, you should not feel any guilt for not sticking around “a life draining leech“, 2) Do not give in to the guilt and renew contact with her,

3) Address the (invalid) guilt you are feeling and resolve it while keeping the no-contact status with your mother,

4) Congratulations for “Making great progress recently“, and please focus on keeping your walk on the path of progress. Renewing contact with her will put a stop to your progress and undo progress made),

5) For more insight and tips, you are welcome to communicate with me for as long as you want to.

anita

• This reply was modified 2 years, 11 months ago by .