T,

I think you did a noble thing visiting the family in a time of need, and I’m sorry for any grief you may be going through. Its sad that the ex kept getting caught up in jealousy, and its ironic that he kept telling you to let the past be past… because he seems to be the one hung up on your ex.

It is fairly unrealistic to expect that our partner will only love us. Platonic love, even for exes is healthy and noble. Its reasonable for him to not want you to say, go to dinner with your ex… but to throw a tantrum that prevents you from going to a party where he might be? That seems petty.

I wonder if his jealousy was more widespread than just you ex… did he get upset when you hung out with other friends as well? You said the relationship was always rocky, and I wonder what some of the other triggers were. Either way, I think you played it by heart, and win or lose that is the best way to play out our lives. If he couldn’t accept that in you, it was never going to work.

In terms of right and wrong, that’s a tricky one to answer truthfully because those terms are very subjective, and don’t usually help anything. Its possible that you may have been able to soothe the fire of his jealousy, and remained close to all of your friends. Its also possible that he has some antisocial personality characteristics that would require much more professional help to untangle. Typically if our partners attempt to isolate us from our friends and loved ones, its not a good sign for the longevity of the intimacy.

If I were a judge and a gavel forced into my hand, I would say he is in the wrong and you are in the right. You didn’t want to rekindle with the ex, your compassion drew you to the grandma vigil, and that is reasonable, beautiful. I think a partner who truly loved and accepted you would respect that about you, not condemn you and throw you into self-doubt. I doubt he has the clarity and stability to be posting on a message board somewhere “did I do the right thing?” Even your questioning shows maturity and well rooted wisdom. His loss!

With warmth,
Matt