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Ditching the past for a future

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  • August 3, 2013 at 4:25 pm #39698
    T
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    My boyfriend and I have always been rocky. He and I got together while I was still getting over my ex and my past. His expectations of me to leave my past in the past and that I should never have contact with my ex and his family ever again has always been an issue. My life with my ex’s life was very integrated, we had the same friends, and I was very close to his family. It has been a constant battle with him, and I don’t blame him for feeling insecure. I started feeling disconnected with myself, unsure of what to feel and expect, unsure what is normal and what is acceptable. I put strain on my friends and my ex, refusing to be at any functions or gatherings that he would be at, and kept myself at a distance. I was willing to put myself aside because I know in a relationship you have to give and take. We were amazing together, but anytime the ex gets brought up things would get very bad.

    The thing that was the final straw was that my ex’s grandma was passing and I wanted to visit her one last time. The ex’s family still wanted me to see her because they knew we were close even though I had disappeared from their lives for a long time now.

    I chose to stand up for what I believed in and went to see her despite knowing he would react very badly. He told me that even if I didn’t go it would keep coming up. He doesn’t want to deal with my ex problems anymore. He doesn’t want to feel sad or angry anymore so he broke up with me. He doesn’t want to change me, but knows that I won’t be able to live up to his expectations.

    Did I do the right thing? I had some amazing plans with my (now ex) boyfriend and I am regretful that this had to happen right before we were supposed to have an experience of a lifetime together. I can’t help hating myself that it just seems like he could be right. I can respect them without being in contact with them. I could cherish them from afar and respect his wishes that he doesn’t want it to ruin our relationship. He says the past is the past, why can’t I move on? He asks why they don’t respect me and my wish to move on uninterrupted? I am just at a lost for words. I wish he could see that none of us had bad intentions and could just accept that they were an important part of my life. In my mind I am moved on, I just don’t feel like I have to completely cut them out.

    Is there a right or wrong in this situation?

    August 3, 2013 at 8:24 pm #39708
    Matt
    Participant

    T,

    I think you did a noble thing visiting the family in a time of need, and I’m sorry for any grief you may be going through. Its sad that the ex kept getting caught up in jealousy, and its ironic that he kept telling you to let the past be past… because he seems to be the one hung up on your ex.

    It is fairly unrealistic to expect that our partner will only love us. Platonic love, even for exes is healthy and noble. Its reasonable for him to not want you to say, go to dinner with your ex… but to throw a tantrum that prevents you from going to a party where he might be? That seems petty.

    I wonder if his jealousy was more widespread than just you ex… did he get upset when you hung out with other friends as well? You said the relationship was always rocky, and I wonder what some of the other triggers were. Either way, I think you played it by heart, and win or lose that is the best way to play out our lives. If he couldn’t accept that in you, it was never going to work.

    In terms of right and wrong, that’s a tricky one to answer truthfully because those terms are very subjective, and don’t usually help anything. Its possible that you may have been able to soothe the fire of his jealousy, and remained close to all of your friends. Its also possible that he has some antisocial personality characteristics that would require much more professional help to untangle. Typically if our partners attempt to isolate us from our friends and loved ones, its not a good sign for the longevity of the intimacy.

    If I were a judge and a gavel forced into my hand, I would say he is in the wrong and you are in the right. You didn’t want to rekindle with the ex, your compassion drew you to the grandma vigil, and that is reasonable, beautiful. I think a partner who truly loved and accepted you would respect that about you, not condemn you and throw you into self-doubt. I doubt he has the clarity and stability to be posting on a message board somewhere “did I do the right thing?” Even your questioning shows maturity and well rooted wisdom. His loss!

    With warmth,
    Matt

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