Hi Jess

It’s very easy for someone to say they’ve changed and much more difficult to actually change. You mentioned that you ex had difficulties with alcohol use. Perhaps, if he resolved that issue it would be a good way to show that he was actually committed to changing. Unless he does that I’d be doubtful of his ability to change in 3 months.

From what you’ve said, this new guy seems nice.

An important question to ask yourself is what you want and don’t want in a relationship.

Dear Jess:

You shared that at 16 you started your first real relationship with your first boyfriend. You moved in with him at 18. For the first few months it was wonderful, and then, it was not. He was an alcoholic, “was always angry at life” and he was not there for you the ways you needed him to be. In Nov 2021, (being 20 years old), you went to a show with friends and “immediately hit it off with this guy”. As a result of that event, you broke up with your first boyfriend. But since the breakup, you’ve been seeing your ex from time to time, as well as seeing the new guy.

The new guy is very affectionate, and he has the same interests and mentality as yours. The two of you connected physically and emotionally, as he satisfies your needs and wants. With him, you have the connection you’ve always wanted. But you feel guilty for hurting your first boyfriend (“I definitely feel like a sh**** person because how I hurt my ex with this new guy“), and you are conflicted otherwise: to let go of the ex, or to go back to him.

“I always thought I would be with my ex forever because we got a long and he was my first love” – my comment: sometimes we have to let go of what we used to think (and feel and believe) and do a… thinking update, that is: use what we learn about our past and the present and update our thinking so that it matches the current reality.

“I sincerely don’t know what to do. Should I be with this new guy who could show me the world and give me what I deserve from a partner? Or choose my ex who I know cares and could provide me with a family, trust and unconditionality?” –  seems to me that you are making assumptions that are exaggerated, or not grounded in reality: can the new guy really show you the world? And can your ex really provide you with unconditionality?

Being shown the world- what does it mean to you? And what do you mean by unconditionality?

anita

Dear Jess:

“I don’t know how it will play out with this new guy, but I guess that’s the chance you take in every relationship” – the chance you take in a relationship doesn’t need to be too big, such as in playing the lottery and having 1:1000 chance of winning some money. You can figure out what life with the ex is likely to be, and what life with the new guy is likely to be, and by doing so, you narrow the chances and limit your risk.

“What I mean by showing me the world, is having that spark of energy to want to experience new things and opportunities” – the spark one person provides another in a romantic relationship doesn’t stay the same. It can be intense, then it weakens… sometimes it’s gone, then it comes back, or not.

Look at your ex’s spark: at first, while living with you, he was very sparked, so to speak: “(He) wished all the time that we could spend every day and night together“. Fast forward a few months, you were still sparked but he was not. Currently, you are not sparked by your ex. You are sparked by the new guy: “I just don’t have a physical connection with my ex like I do with the new guy“.

What this means is that the spark changes and it should not be the only consideration when choosing between the two men. Let’s look at other considerations:

The ex is very close to your age, you’ve known him for 4 years, you lived together for two years, so he is familiar with your ways, your quirks, etc., and you are familiar with his ways, which were that “he was always angry at life“. When he was angry at life, “he couldn’t connect with (you)“. He frequently drank alcohol when living with you and he still does. In some ways, he is more patient than the new guy (in what ways, I wonder).

The new guy is 10 years older than you; you’ve known him for 4 months. He is very affectionate (by nature, or as a result of being sparked, I wonder), very intellectual, and has the same interests, mentality and hobbies as you do.

To continue this comparison, I ask: (1) did you see the new guy interacting with other people, and if so, is he affectionate with some other people? (2) In what ways is the new guys impatient? (3) Being that the new guy is 10 years older than you, and you met him only recently, I assume that he has a significant relationship history: do you know anything about it? (4) Can you elaborate on your ex’s anger at life: what was/ is it about and is there any reason for you to think that his anger has been resolved? (5) In what ways is your ex acting patiently?

anita

Dear Jess:

I will read and reply to you in about 11 hours from now (Tues morning, my time).

anita

Dear Jess:

1) The Ex: He grew up without his mother for the majority of his childhood and didn’t have “that loving mother figure” as he grew up. “He isn’t a physical person“, and he and his mother identify themself as “not huggers“. At first, when living with you, he was excited, passionate, I’ll call it, sparked. After a few months, he lost his spark. You told him what you needed from him, but he “was always angry at life” and he neglected the connection with you. At times you went to bed “crying facing he wall” because he didn’t want to cuddle/ touch you. He drank frequently and he still does. He told you that drinking alcohol gives him the confidence to be physical, and that without alcohol, he “doesn’t know how to transition into hanging out and being a loving/ intimate partner“.

He is a hard worker. He was very good at his first job but was bothered by other employees because they didn’t work hard, and he ended up doing their share of the work and being paid poorly. He didn’t look for a different job because “he was comfortable doing the same thing every day“. He used to come home after a frustrating day at work, and “not even say ‘hi babe’, and just be angry about the day and situations at work, and be pissed off until we go to bed, along with drinking which would increase his anger. He would play video games and get angry (slamming his fist on the table), I would get annoyed and say please stop doing that! But he would get even more mad that I said something which would turn into an argument“.

He then “switched jobs thinking he would be happier, and he told me things would change. But he would still come home pissed off because of certain people not doing their job“.

You broke up in Nov 2021 and started hanging out. It felt “like the beginning of the relationship“, he seemed “more happy around me… more physical“, you wrote. He was sparked again, I figure. He then told you that he “regrets getting mad over little things“, saying that he changed and that he “should’ve been a more loving boyfriend, more intimate and able to have a stronger connection“. You wrote: “His anger might be resolved now because he quit his original job and is looking for a more stable one with health benefits because he’s never had a job like that. But he is irritated because they’re paying him $15 an hour“.

2) The New Guy: you met him in Nov 2021, hitting it off, having the “same interests, mentality, hobbies” and the two of you connect physically very well and he’s “very affectionate“, physically affectionate, if I understand correctly. You feel that he is able to satisfy your needs and wants (“I feel like he satisfies my needs and wants which my ex couldn’t“). He is willing to get out of his comfort zone and “experience new things within himself” and with you. He grew up with sisters, he is very friendly with your friends, mostly young women, and he told you that “it’s not hard for him to connect to his feminine side“, and that “his dream is to perform live music and make people happy and inspired“.

He “just wants to get to the point, no beating around the bush“, sometimes he rushes, like when he rushed up to the top of a hiking trail, leaving you and your friends behind him. At another time, he was irritated about having to wait for your friends before having coffee. At another time he was irritated about you taking your time dipping cauliflower in sauce.

In a past relationship, “he lost a lot of hair and wasn’t happy” because of “drama with her and his family and her cheating on him for a few months during their relationship“. He told you that “his goals in life are to buy a house and have kids“.

3) About Jess: the ex was your “first love“. You feel guilty for breaking up with him following meeting a new guy (“I definitely feel like a shitty person because how I hurt my ex with this a new guy which no one wants to happen to them“), and you feel guilty, as I understand it, about the facts that he still loves you, is trying, and wants to marry only you, still seeing you as his forever-relationship (“he is trying and he truly loves me… he said he doesn’t want to marry anyone else besides me“), while you like a new guy, and no longer think of your ex as your forever relationship (“I always thought I would be with my ex forever because we got a long and he was my first love“).  You are conscientious, caring, you know what you need and what you want, you get along with people (easy to get along with, is my feeling), you don’t want to hurt the ex, you are loyal (“I didn’t want to just leave when it got hard“).

You are also open-minded and willing to look into yourself and consider possibilities, ex.: that you may have been “making exaggerated assumptions“. You are patient and insightful, and you care about: “that spark of energy to be passionate and want to live for more is what’s important to me along with the affection, intimacy and words of affirmation“.

And now, my closing thoughts: the ex reads like a good guy at heart, but angry and troubled. The fact that he didn’t have a mother, nor did he have a loving mother figure growing up, was very tough on him, as it would be on any boy. Seems to me that because adequate affection was not available to him as a child, for so very long, he naturally buried within him/ inhibited his need for affection, best he could. No Need= No Pain, is the instinctive reasoning behind such inhibition.

When he drinks alcohol, which lowers inhibitions, his inhibited need for affection gets disinhibited and he is able to participate in and enjoy affectionate interactions.

But alcohol also lowers other inhibitions as well, such as his efforts to control his anger, anger which he feels intensely at times. I imagine that he felt intense hurt and anger about not being loved as a child. Fast forward, you expressed love for him, lots of affection, but alas, he projects his unloving mother (and/or other unloving person or people in his childhood) => into you, and feels angry… at you. It is very common for adult-children who experienced tough childhoods, to project an unloving/ rejecting parent into a romantic partner.

It is his anger projected at you that’s behind his refusal to cuddle with you when you were crying, facing the wall, his anger was behind his refusal to tickle your leg when you asked him to do that, etc. After you moved out and were no longer in his physical presence much, his projection eased and so did his anger, and so, the spark is back for him, and his patience is back, and his love.

If you go back to living with him, naturally, he will again project his mother into you and struggle yet again with anger toward you. This is not his intention, it’s the way the hurt, angry human mind works. He will need to work hard in the context of psychotherapy to change this.

“His anger might be resolved now because he quit his original job and is looking for a more stable one” – I wish it would be that easy, but changing jobs, changing locations, going on a vacation, buying a new car, etc., etc., do not resolve deep seated hurt and anger born in childhood. In a child’s mind and heart, a bad day feels like forever, and a year of lack of love feels like eternity. Such eternity of LACK cannot be resolved by getting a better job.

You wrote regarding your ex: “I feel like because we are so close in age we could possibly grow together and start a family” – I think that the closeness of age is a non-factor compared to the issue I pointed to right above. If the ex and the new guy experienced a comparable mental/ emotional health, then the age would be a factor, but this is not the situation.

The new guy is emotionally healthier than the ex, at least this is how it looks like so far. His impatience and irritation, in the context of the incidents you described, are not alarming to me; the two of you can work around it. He rushed to the top of the hiking trail, that’s okay: you were hiking behind with friends. He didn’t leave you behind alone, with a mountain lion lurking around. In the morning, he really, really wanted that coffee. I understand that.

With the ex, your life is likely to be like it was before, and “that spark of energy to be passionate and want to live for more” will be extinguished. With the new guy, that spark has a reasonable chance to survive.

If you go back with the ex, at first, he will be very happy, and then- he will no longer be happy. I am guessing that he will be surprised, not understanding why and how it happened, he may try hard to not show his confusion and spark-reversal, but it will show and again, you will be facing the wall, crying. This situation will be bad for you… and for him.

“I’m detailed oriented, and I just want to make sure everything is right” – please let me know if I can try to help you further with the details, and with making the best choice for yourself.

anita

• This reply was modified 2 years, 8 months ago by .

Dear Jess:

“I also agree that there are serious problems within my ex’s and I’s relationship that will probably never get resolved. But the issues I have seen so far with the new guy really aren’t that big of deal compared to my ex” – from what you shared I didn’t detect a single big deal/ serious problem with the new guy.

In regard to the new guy hiking ahead of you and being impatient to get his coffee, you wrote: “Those are minuscule problems that won’t ruin our relationship like alcohol and lack of affection” – miniscule indeed. The problems with the ex- huge.

“I just want him to be happy and healthy” – if he (the ex) equally wants you to be happy and healthy, he would be okay with you doing what you believe will make you happy and healthy.

“My trouble now is communicating how I feel because I don’t want to hurt him” – when you tell him that the two of you will be going your separate ways, he will be hurting. But remember that he was hurting when the two of you were together, living together for many months: it was hurt underneath the “always angry at life…  angry…  pissed off until we go to bed, along with drinking which would increase his anger…. he would get even more mad that I said something which would turn into an argument” etc.

So, hurt when together with you, hurt when separate from you. The hurt in him preceded you and is independent of you. If you go back together with him, he’ll be happy for a short time and then… the hurt (and the anger) will be back.

“How do I approach him since things have been somewhat OK?… I don’t want him to think I’m necessarily leaving him for another guy” – don’t tell him anything about any other guy. Tell him that you truly “want him to be healthy and happy“, and that you believe that for yourself to be healthy and happy, you need to go your separate way.

If he then tries to convince you or argue with you that you should not go your separate way, he will either be arguing that (1) he doesn’t want you to be healthy and happy, or that (2) he doesn’t believe in your mental/ emotional ability to know what will make you healthy and happy. Both these options are not about love for you!

A loving response on his part would be to express his sadness, but to wish you well.

“I would’ve gained the courage to leave my ex but probably not so fast if I hadn’t met the new guy. Which for some reason is where I still feel guilty…  I’m not sure how to feel better about that” – millions of people in the world feel guilty for what they are not guilty of. I communicated here on the forums, over the years, with hundreds of people who felt guilty for no valid reason. Most often it’s been adult-children feeling guilty for their parents’ hurt, a hurt that preceded them and  was independent of them (just like your ex’s hurt in relation to you).

I was one of these adult-children and looking back, I wish that I didn’t make all those poor choices I made in life, based on that invalid guilt. I hope that you don’t do the same.

“I can’t help my feelings” – you can’t help your feelings, but you can help your choices. It will be difficult to have this talk with the ex, but as difficult as it will be, you can do it!

If it is too difficult for you to do this in-person, you have the option of doing it in writing, sending him a clear and thoughtful message online. If you want to prepare what you would tell him (in-person or online), I can try and help you with it.

anita