Dear nycartist:

“I told this friend, I am allowed to invite who I want…  I am nearly 40 years old and don’t need her permission… Another friendship I am having trouble with is one where my friend is going through a hard time. She has become very unreliable… I am getting tired of just allowing for her to be totally unreliable… My other friendship that is bothering me is one where I do a lot for this girl and am starting to feel it is very one sided. I don’t feel appreciated… Anyway, I feel there is some kind of pattern here and I am having trouble putting my finger on it”-

– the pattern I see, based on what you shared today, and on what you shared in previous threads, includes these elements: (1) your fear of a friend getting angry at you and casting you aside, a fear that has led to your submissive, people-pleasing efforts, acting as if you are a child and your friend is the powerful adult: “I told this friend I am allowed… don’t need her permission” (today), “(when) I need to say no to, with friends or anyone, I find it nearly impossible. I am so afraid of making someone angry… this gnawing fear that I’ll have someone mad at me, or someone cut me out of their life and cast me aside…it’s literally sickening when I think of someone being ‘displeased’ with me” (2020),

and (2) your fear of a friend’s anger and being cast aside, leading to your efforts to control the friend’s behaviors, acting in overbearing ways, and doing too much for your friend, as if you are the parent and the friend is (a misbehaving, un-appreciating) child: “I am getting tired of just allowing for her to be totally unreliable…I do a lot for this girl and am starting to feel it is very one sided. I don’t feel appreciated” (today), “I’ve been told (by other friends) I can sometimes be too overbearing in the past” (2019).

Notice you acting like the rebelling child on one hand (“I am allowed… don’t need her permission“, today), and acting like the overdoing/ overworked and un-appreciated parent, on the other hand (“(I am) allowing for her“, today).

anita

Dear nycartist:

You are welcome. “I don’t know how to strive for a more equal balance in these relationships. But I can say for some reason (maybe it is just my mood at the moment), I feel some anger about it. These years-long relationships are hard to change. But I want respect in all of them. That also feels lacking whether I am being the child pushing back or the unappreciated mother figure” –

– if you want to work with me here, on your thread, on promoting equal balance and mutual respect in any of the friendships that you mentioned, you are welcome to pick two situations in which you felt disrespected, one in which you were the child, the other in which you were the unappreciated mother figure, describe each situation factually (strictly what was said and what took place) and I will be glad to discuss it with you.

anita

Dear nycartist:

I will reply to you Thurs morning, in about 11 hours from now.

anita

Dear nycartist:

I want to add, in regard to the mother/ child dynamic with the flaky friend: “She has become very unreliable… I don’t really see her taking action to improve things…  I am getting tired of just allowing for her to be totally unreliable… I think maybe this is on me expecting too much” – if she was your minor age child, then noticing that she used to be reliable and is no longer reliable, you’d want to find out why, communicate with her, suggest actions for her to take so to improve her mindset and life, allow her this, disallow her that, expect her to take certain actions, etc. But this woman is not your child, so equal balance in the friendship would indeed mean that you step down from the mother platform, accept her as an equal, and accept her as the person that she has been in the last few years. (Maybe if you accept her as she is, just maybe, her behavior toward you will improve, and so will the friendship).

anita

Dear nycartist:

You are welcome. “With the bossy friend, I am going to hold firm in my boundaries… maybe this is a person who is in my life to help me learn to speak up. I’ve been silenced for a lot of my life, and it is a challenge to speak up” – good plan, to use this as an opportunity to speak up, set and keep firm boundaries!

“For the flakey friend… I see it as: you don’t abandon someone when they are having a hard time. I have decided to stick it out, unless she does something truly hurtful and egregious toward me, where I need to draw the line. But I think giving that space and lowering my expectations is great advice that I can use with her going forward” – good plan, and you are a good friend!

anita