Hi Imuhetalanaht

He already did bad things to you – screaming, hitting. And he did other bad things to your siblings. It is not just you, but your mother and siblings are going through the same – “he seems so trustworthy, caring, polite, how could he do such a thing?”

Let’s take a different example. If he cut your sibling’s finger and up until then he only ever pinched you. Does that make it okay, even if he is caring and loving at other times? Whether you forgive him or not, it is up to you. But know that he could still have the blade hidden somewhere and cut someone else’s finger. Please protect yourself and your family. Trust your mother to guide you through this and take a stand with her that your safety is important. You can focus on sorting out your feelings with him later. But first, getting your mother, yourself and your hurt siblings to safety is important.

Also once someone cut that finger, you should get them treatment and get away from the abuser. Not wait and confront, will that restore the finger?

Just because you are hurt and confused, and I understand you love him, it doesn’t change the fact that he did this. Eventually you will accept it. In the meantime, your safety is important.

– After the confront, i think it all will be fine but im wrong. The day we confront become so mess and it become one hell of trauma for me. I cant forget his face in that moment of realization. I cant see all the questions, humiliation, anger from my mother and my other siblings that thrown to him. I think your culture is similar to mine from the way you’ve written. So I know you will understand what I’m about to say. The only thing you should feel conflicted about is the fact that you were not able to tolerate your mother’s and siblings’ anger and questions towards him. You are very clear there that couldn’t bear it. Yet you are confused with your father doing a horrible thing – bringing up all his good qualities and not being able to believe. If I heard my father did such a thing, I would react the same way – I would be shocked, unable to believe it, but not while staying neutral. I would stand by my mother’s side and ask more questions. Ask your father how he could seem so caring and yet do this.  There is a right side here and you are not on that side! You were not the victim, you can’t expect anything to be fine after the confrontation. Also hitting you was not acceptable. Figure out if you really want to forgive that.

I’m sorry you have to erase all your memories with him and are hurting. I hope your family heals from this.

Dear Imuhetalanaht:

You are most welcome. It’s late in the evening where I am at, so I will be back to you Mon morning, in about 10 hours from now. I understand that you prefer to not share more than you are comfortable sharing, I want you to be comfortable here, I want this to be a safe place for you, no pressure, no demands, no aggression of any kind.

I will be back to your thread in the morning.

anita

Dear Imuhetalanaht:

I don’t know if you read my post yesterday, right below your reply to me. Again, you are very welcome.

* I didn’t understand what you meant by: “he hit her like others and convince that little child that it’s not him”.

You shared that your parents are Asian, that your father hit his daughters “for our studies“, but you recently found out that he hit your sisters so that they won’t tell your mother about him sexually abusing them (“to not told my mother about this issue“). Because they were hit, “they remained silent as they were all just children“, they didn’t tell your mother or each other about the abuse. Each one of your sisters thought that she was the only one who was sexually abused by him.

The screaming and swearing started when five years ago, your mother found out that he was cheating on her with other women. He blamed your mother for his cheating, saying “that she’s the one didn’t take care of him or give attention, that’s why I do that“.

When your mother found out about your father’s sexual abuse of his own daughters (aka incest), she prevented him from living with all of you, threatening to tell his mother and relatives about it. He moved out but showed up at your home “with police and claim the motorcycle and car. One mistake we did, buy all property under his name“.

My thoughts today: (1) Again, I am so sorry for yours and your sisters’ betrayal and suffering. I hope that each one of you heals and recovers as much as is possible! (2) If there is such a thing as legal help to families such as yours, in the country where you live, I hope that you receive such help: producing a legal restraining order against him, so that he will be arrested if he tries to contact any of his victims, and protecting yourselves financially, so that he doesn’t take more possessions away from you. Maybe getting the car and/ or motorcycle back from him,

(3) I wonder if in your country, there is a governmental or other agency that helps adult survivors of incest. Even though the following is a U.S. Department of Health and Human Services website: www. child welfare. gov/ organizations (no spaces), some of the “Organizations for Adult Survivors of Abuse” may be of help to you.

(4) Finding out that your father did what he did has been traumatic for you, and understandably so. You can read some, if you haven’t yet, about Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD), about symptoms and treatments. One website you may want to read from is www. psychology today. com/ us/ blog/ somatic psychology/ trauma- incest (no spaces). You are welcome to let me know your thoughts in regard to what you read.

Otherwise, please post again anytime, and I will reply to you every time you post.

anita

• This reply was modified 2 years, 10 months ago by .

Dear Imuhetalanaht:

“We plan to move out from this place and start a new life with new people and surrounding. But we need to be prepared in all kinds of matters… And about our mental health, there is a plan to meet with some professional. Meanwhile, we encourage each other to let their opinions or feeling share with each other. After all we only have each other in this life” – I am very glad to read about your reasonable plan: (1) to move and start life anew with new people and new surroundings, (2) to prepare for such a move in all ways that need preparation, (3) to seek professional mental help, and (4) for you and your sisters to express to each other your thoughts and feelings, providing emotional support to each other.

“If I (get) stuck and don’t know where to start, sure I will come back here and read this all again. Thank you so, so much” – you are very, very welcome. I wish you and your sisters healing and a much better new life!

anita