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Tommy.
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December 31, 2021 at 11:58 am #390542
AlexgaParticipantShame is a very powerful feeling and I dispise it wholeheartedly
If you do some specific thing – you feel shame. If you don’t do the same thing -you feel shame. So why the fuck does it matter
I’m exhausted. My mind is restless. Constant shame. Shame for something that has happened in the past. Shame for current occurences. Shame for something that had never happened and may never happen at all
I want to go back in time when I was fearless and brave, before i started feeling hatred towards myself, before my mind started proving and arguing that I’m a worthless piece of shit that just wastes air. I want to go back in time when I had not broken myself yet. Before the Shame was born
I did something. I shouted at my colleague for making a dog starve and suffer. And yet I feel shame. If I hadn’t done it, I would still have felt shame for not having done it. I don’t regret what I did. Amd I should not feel ashamed but here we are. Here we are as a result of constant self-hatred and self-insulting. Here we are, me as a ball of insecurity and self-doubt trying to survive everyday and wishing I could just die.
Happy new year
Me and Shame.
December 31, 2021 at 12:53 pm #390544
AnonymousGuestDear Alexga:
I wish you a Happy and Shameless New Year!
“Shame is a very powerful feeling and I despise it wholeheartedly“- I share your sentiment. Shame sucks big time! I hate that feeling too. It’s not just a feeling, it’s a feeling + a belief.
“If you do some specific thing – you feel shame. If you don’t do the same thing -you feel shame. So why the f*** does it matter“- shame is like foot fungus, once it takes hold, it stays, it spreads, and it is very hard to get rid of it!
“I want to go back in time when I was fearless and brave, before… the Shame was born“- you were born shameless. Someone other than you gave birth to the shame that now resides in you.
“I want to go back in time before… my mind started proving and arguing that I’m a worthless piece of s*** that just wastes air. I want to go back in time when I had not broken myself yet”– someone else started proving and arguing those things before you took on those arguments, someone else broke you: who was it, and is that person still doing it to you?
A little about my shame: like you, I was born shameless, my mother then introduced me to shame in my very early years and proceeded to feed and add to my shame over the years. My shame was very painful, it lasted for way too long, and it’s now pretty much gone! What a relief!!! I hope it happens for you too, sooner than later! But I figure it won’t be easy. I hope to read more from you.
anita
January 9, 2022 at 12:23 pm #391002
TommyParticipantWhen I was about 13years old, I saw my grandmother in the park near our apartment. She was asking which was way home. I was busy with my friends and pointed in the general direction. Later, I got home to see my mother go out looking for my grandmother. My grandmother was lost. She had an episode of dementia and loss her memory of where we lived. I felt terrible for not having taken her home. We did eventually find her. Years later, she passed away. Now recently, My mom passed away. When I saw her in the hospital, she also developed dementia and did not recognize me. I remembered what happened years ago. And, this is what I have to look forward to, losing my memory.
So, I try not to dwell in the past. Although it creeps up on me sometimes and takes over my thoughts. Makes me feel terrible. Trying to let go of the past. Try to live today. And make the best of the time I have. Oh, still argue with the wife at times. And lecture my daughter on her behavior at school. But, let it go as it came. Love them and go on.
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