Fe,

I’m sorry for the tough moments you’ve been having with your mom, it sounds as though your view is full of startling experiences as you see your mom acting in ways that aren’t very healthy. A few things came to heart as I read your words.

Really there are two seperate things going on. One is your mom and her dreams, view, feelings and decisions. The other is Fe and her dreams, view, feelings and decisions. It must be painful to see your mom suffering. 🙁

Being only 20, you still have maturing to do, and that maturity is wisely examining your mom’s decisions and figuring out what direction to grow. It is normal and usual to also become a judge for our parents and decide they are fools. Instead of “when she did that, it grew this, so I will learn from her lessons and not do that” we become afraid for her and us and say “what is wrong with her that she can’t see when she does that, it grows this”.

This creates our own suffering, because the fear prevents us from seeing what is really there. If you look deeply, your mom is looking for good things such as love, security, affection, intimacy and family. Your judgement of her attempts at cultivating those is biting at your heels, because you’re not perfect either. Said differently, when we are in the pattern of judging people for mistakes, we do it externally and internally.

Instead, we can accept that life is a learning process and we all make decisions that vary between skillful and unskillful, hopefully learning a little with each success and failure. That’s all anyone can do, me, you, her…

It would be nice if we were all perfect, but that would get pretty boring. 🙂

With warmth,
Matt