Dear Carson:

“I think that talking more openly about my problems with people will help“- you started doing this here, in this forum, today. You are welcome here. Keep talking, keep telling Your Story: I want to read more of your story.

When you say that you wanted to hurt your family (“Once again I had thoughts about hurting my family“)- what do you mean by it?

anita

Dear Carson:

Reads like you perceived your parents to mean Danger for you: a danger you wanted to either run away from, which is the Flight Reaction to perceived danger (“I became so angry and afraid I thought about either running away“),  or fight your parents, which is the Fight Reaction to perceived danger (“I thought about.. hurting my parents”).

You wrote in your original post: “Thought about my relationship with my dad and how his bizarre behavior made sense. I think he is in denial of his sexuality. But I have focused too long on changing him“- reads like your relationship with your father was and is very difficult, very conflicted..  You wanted to much to change him.. Is it that you tried to make him notice you and love you?

The desire to change an unloving parent to a loving parent is intense. It is amazing how intense a child’s desire (a child of any age) to change a distant/ rejecting parent to a close/ loving parent.

anita