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Toxic brother

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  • August 30, 2021 at 4:08 pm #385442
    marissa
    Participant

    Growing up I had two brothers one 5 years younger and one 5 years older with myself being the middle girl. My older brother had adhd from a young age, got into a lot of trouble with the law and has now been in and out of jail his whole adult life. None of us got along in our childhood to a point where my younger brother and I hated each other and sadly that isn’t an exaggeration. Now as adults we have a great relationship and we realised it was the toxicity from our older brother. I have kept my distance over the years because honestly my older brother has not changed at all. All his problems are never because he chooses those decisions he makes ect it’s everyone else’s fault. He was charged with robbery, break and enter and accessory to a murder (someone else killed this man but he was there and didn’t tell the police) Sorry this is a long post I just needed some advice or perspective maybe? Anyways this morning he randomly contacted me after not talking basically since last November. He said”So are we going to fix our relationship so ours kids have one or what?” and I simply replied with, “I think it’s better if we don’t but I hope you guys are doing well.” He said I am a “joke” of a mother, aunt and sister and I am a constant disappointment to everyone in my life. I’m not sad at all not being in contact with him but more just exhausted by the toxicity. Not sure what I’m looking for here but thank you if you have read this.

    August 30, 2021 at 4:31 pm #385472
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear marissa:

    Your older brother called you and said: “So are we going to fix our relationship so our kids have or what?“, and you answered: “I think it’s better if we don’t but I hope  you guys are doing well“-

    – I don’t understand: isn’t he in jail following having been charged with (1) robbery, (2) breaking and entering, and (3) attempted murder.. and if so, was he referring to the two of you fixing your relationship in the context of sending mail to each other and through visitations in jail?

    And when you replied to him, “I hope you guys are doing well“, you meant that you hope that he is doing well in jail…and that his partner and kids are doing well?

    anita

     

    August 31, 2021 at 2:17 am #385485
    Tee
    Participant

    Dear marissa,

    your brother never seems to have owned up to his mistakes and is always blaming someone else (All his problems are never because he chooses those decisions he makes ect it’s everyone else’s fault.) Now, when he contacted you out of the blue, he didn’t say anything that would suggest he’s changed, or that he sees how his behavior was damaging. Rather, he seems to be expecting you to simply resume the relationship “for the sake of your children”, while not being willing to change his attitude or his behavior.

    I believe you did well to refuse the relationship under those terms. You aren’t obliged to keep in touch under his terms and put up with his toxicity. And his toxicity was on display right away: He said I am a “joke” of a mother, aunt and sister and I am a constant disappointment to everyone in my life.

    I’m not sad at all not being in contact with him but more just exhausted by the toxicity.

    Good you aren’t sad, but I guess his toxicity still bites you. Do you believe any of those words that he told you (that you are a bad mother and a disappointment to everyone in your life)? If you do, you’ll be more vulnerable. If not, you’ll be more able to handle it, even if you’re disappointed that things have turned out like that.

     

    August 31, 2021 at 3:08 pm #385527
    marissa
    Participant

    Sorry everyone for confusion, I should have explained a little more. He has been out of jail for I believe two/three years that time was because he was charged with doing sexual things with a girl underage in which he knew she was underage. He is currently not in jail

    August 31, 2021 at 4:21 pm #385532
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear marissa:

    I am so sorry. From what you shared, your older brother is more than just a “Toxic brother”: having been charged with sexual abuse of an underaged girl, and separately, having been charged with attempted murder, on top of robbery and breaking and entering.. all this means that he is toxic not only to you, but to the public at large.. and to his own children, especially if he has a daughter who is underaged. And if you have an underaged daughter and he wants to reconnect.. be careful!

    – I hope that you did all that you were able to do to protect the public from this man, particularly children, including protecting his own?!

    anita

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