Dear Ronald:

It is disturbing to have someone lie to you, and more disturbing to be lied to repeatedly. When the person lying to you is someone you care for, someone you are emotionally attached to- it is even more disturbing.

As I read your account in your first and the current, second thread, it occurred to me that your friendship with this man, and your feelings for him,  given that the two of you are young men, is not traditional, at least not in the Western world.

Wikipedia has an entry on bromance (brother+ romance), a new term, and psychology today. com has an article on the same term. The two sources define a bromance as a same-sex, non-sexual male friendship that is, nevertheless, exceptionally affectionate and intimate.

In western society, traditionally, men have “side to side” relationships with other men while women have “face to face” relationships with other women: men share interests and activities while women share emotions; men hardly touch each other, women embrace; men are impersonal, women are personal. Therefore, passionate friendships among men are considered un-masculine, leading to “suspicion of homosexuality.. (of) tagged gay”.

From what I read and what I understand, you feel and have felt toward this man very intense feelings of attachment and desire. I am not suggesting that you experience a sexual desire for him, but a desire nonetheless. It is natural and common, I believe, for two heterosexual men to feel an attraction for each other at times, even a sexual desire, just as it happens between two heterosexual women. It is so because most people are not 100% one way or another. When a person feels close to another person, regardless of gender, naturally the desire for that person can expand to a sexual desire, to one extent or another.

Combining your Nov. and Dec. posts, when this man told you that he was thinking of dating a woman, you “got all depressed.. feeling of jealousy and sadness”. You suggested that you do not have an interest or desire to date a woman yourself.

You described your friendship with this man as “once very close.. We both grew pretty close”. When he became distant, not wanting to spend much time with you, saying that he is busy and going as far as lying so to avoid getting together with you, you started chasing him and he kept running away from you, so to speak: “I kept calling him and he never picked up his phone and completely ghosted me… he rarely used to ever contact me, I was the only one who used to message him.. I used to tell him that he has changed a lot and how he never calls or messages me… then we go ahead to the trip and.. he is always on the phone chatting… I was on the trip with him and he is constantly involved in chatting… I (told him) .. when we are on a trip you should try and spend time with (me) rather than chatting. We had an argument on it and later he agrees on this and apologizes… I decided to go and meet him after 2 days because I was missing him… So I go to his place and stay with him. We celebrate my birthday and enjoy it a lot. I ask him if I could stay with him in the weekend and he says he is going to the girl’s house…

“We get into another argument and he puts all kinds of allegations on me like I am trying to stop him from meeting the girl, or I am being jealous, I am trying to spoil a new beginning in his life, and I am forcing him to spend time with me and not with the girl.. I try and clear stuff with him and tell him that he is behaving childish, he apologizes and comes back to me again… I plan another trip with him… In the night we get drunk a bit, especially I was very drunk and I say some things to my friend… I want to end this friendship but I am still thinking that may be we can talk it out and I feel myself as a fool. What should I do?” –

My answer: first examine the nature of relationship you had so far with this man, the nature of your emotional attachment to him, and emotional desire for him. If you would like to share your thinking on this matter, please do, and I will read and reply to you further.

anita

• This reply was modified 4 years, 8 months ago by .

Dear Ronald:

About him going on the trip with you but then spending his time on his phone, something he did not do before- I assume that he was conflicted: wanting to please you on one hand (by being with you on the trip), and not wanting to interact with you, on the other hand (spending time on his phone).

Maybe he felt guilty for not reciprocating your feelings anymore, not wanting to hurt your feelings by telling you the truth, and that’s why he lied to you, and why he apologized, and why he told you that he wasn’t really serious about the girl he was involved with (it may be true or not).

Also, maybe he was okay with his relationship with you for a while.. but someone made a shaming comment to him about the relationship not being traditional. Do you think this is possible?

I am guessing as to possibilities. It is a shame that he has not been able or willing to tell you what it is. I can see how hurt you are, that you are in pain and I feel badly for you. This is no less of a broken heart case, your heart is broken, isn’t it.

* I will be away from the computer for about 12 hours. Please post as much as you want and as many times as you want, if you do- and I will read and reply to you when I am back.

anita