Dear Leanne:

You (25) shared that you were “always somewhat lost”, having grown up with an alcoholic mother and a physically and verbally abusive father. As a result, you’ve had “serious codependency problems and fear of being alone”.

Seven years ago, at 18, you had a short love affair with a man, 24 at the time (let’s refer to him as M) who visited your hometown. M then went back to where he lived and tried to keep in touch with you long distance. At 21 you got cancer and at one point, you were near death. You dated a “super toxic/ jealous guy for 5 years and was never allowed to talk to (M)”.

After your five year relationship ended, you were in nursing school and feeling lost. At that time, M returned to your home town and swept you off your feet. He made you feel “extremely loved, nothing like I’ve experienced before”. You moved up to M’s hometown and lived with him.. and with his mother.

You became aware of “the weirdest dynamic I’ve ever seen” between M and his mother, “they text 24/7 when they are away from each other. I love yous and miss you constantly”, she insisted on going to restaurants with you and M, so “to experience it together”; she chose what amusement park to you to for your birthday; she manipulated her son with guilt tactics. When you and A left her to visit your hometown or elsewhere, she texted him, telling him that she cried when he left, making “him feel like she can’t live without him”.

A week ago, you decided to go back alone to your hometown following your mother and grandmother dying and inheriting a house in the past year. You are considering ending the relationship with A (and his mother).

You wrote: “(M) tells me we will have a place together one day soon, we just gotta get (his mother) situated”.

My input: I don’t think that his mother is interested in getting situated in an apartment/ house away from her son. I think that for her, to be “situated” means to continue to be situated inside her son’s soul- inside his mind and heart, for as long as she lives (and beyond).

You wrote that their “love yous and miss you constantly” grosses you out- no wonder, because their relationship is one of emotional incest. In his mother’s mind and heart,  her son is her romantic partner minus the sex (I hope).

M is not responsible for the creation of this emotionally incestuous relationship, but he is deeply involved in it nonetheless. He will need to attend serious psychotherapy so to free himself from this unhealthy relationship with his mother, something that will be very difficult for him to do because of those guilt tactics you mentioned.

I believe that unless he is willing and able to attend serious, quality psychotherapy aimed at freeing himself from his mother’s incestuous emotional tentacles, you should indeed end the relationship.

You mentioned that you were in nursing school: did you graduate?

anita

Dear Leanne:

You are very welcome. I will probably reply more at length to your recent post later, but for now, a couple of thoughts:

1. Going back to nursing school is probably a good idea.

2. From my life experience, including communicating with many hundreds of people in these forums, the chance that you will lead him to undo his emotionally incestuous relationship with his mother is miniscule, I would say- almost non existent. To undo it- he will have to be aware that it exists (that his relationship with his mother is indeed unhealthy/ emotionally incestuous), and then he will have to seek therapy and do all the work required over a long period of time while changing or terminating his relationship with his mother.

Connecting 1 and 2- it makes way, way more sense for you to invest your time, money and energy in nursing school than in him. If you graduate from nursing school, you can get a high paying job and help thousands of people; if you invest in him- you will end up exhausted and frustrated, and with nothing to show for all your time and spent energy.

anita

Dear Leanne:

Second post is about you being lost: “I dated a super toxic/ jealous guy for 5 years… I was in nursing school but was lost. I’m always somewhat lost.. mama’s an alcoholic and my dad was physically/ verbally abusive. I got cancer at 21. I have serious codependency problems and fear of being alone especially after near death. I would cry about wanting to just run. He came down and made me feel extremely loved, nothing like I’ve ever experienced before”-

– my understanding (and please correct it where it needs correcting): when a person grows up with too much fear and too little love (ex., an alcoholic mother and an abusive father), the person will take anything she can get when it comes to what feels like love and safety.

There was a little love in that five years “super toxic” relationship, but you took it and endured the toxicity because, in comparison, it was.. better than what you had before as a child.

Everything in comparison to a scary, loveless childhood feels especially loving and safe (he “made me feel extremely loved.. he is like a safe haven“).. for a while.

When a child is alone, lonely and scared for too long, a craving is born, a desperate need to never be alone again, and the company of almost anyone.. feels better than being alone.

In that desperation and lack of safety/ being lost- you probably didn’t see that who you refer to as “Mama’s Boy” is quite unwell.

You wrote: “I don’t want to be away from my family anymore”- make sure that the family members you are living with, or close to, are not keeping you scared and lost, like family has done to you before.

I think that nursing school, or some other practical education for a future career is worth your investment, and I  know from personal experience that it is possible, after all, to find true love even after a miserable childhood.

anita