Dear Tati:

You shared that you are 30, living in a major U.S. city. You had a long term relationship that ended three years ago. You tried dating locally since, but most of the men you met were “either looking for sex or not who they said they were”. So, you ventured farther away, putting your dating profile on global.

A month and a half ago, you started communicating with a man who lives in Europe. From the beginning, he was “instantly interested” in you, asking you a lot of questions, saying sweet things, hinting at a serious relationship, was very nice and forward with his feelings. He told you that his last girlfriend, two years ago, was long distant, within Europe, and it “didn’t bother him”.

The two of you “talked romantically for about three weeks.. all day texting”, there was only one phone call and you felt that the communication was not enough. You felt “very overwhelmed.. insecure, unsure and just very anxious”. By the end of the three weeks, you felt “so upset” that you ended up telling him that you “couldn’t do this anymore”, and you accused him of a lot of things that you don’t think are true, such as hiding things/ hiding that he has a girlfriend.

Following that, the two of you didn’t talk for two days. On the third day you sent an apology message. Following that you are back communicating, “but it has never been the same. He is way more distant than before.. never mentions anything romantic anymore or how he’s feeling” about you and otherwise.

My input and suggested answers:

1. “is it even worth it”?- no, I don’t think so. There is no chance that a relationship limited to texting and an occasional or rare phone call can be a satisfying love relationship. At best, it can pass the time and be entertaining at times.

2. “did I ruin it completely”?- you ruined a texting exchange, that is all. You didn’t ruin anything beyond that.

3. “how did his feelings switch so quickly when he was so ready to ask me would I ever take him serious”-

-I don’t know the nature of his feelings, but think of this: you can watch a movie of a love story and feel strongly.. but nothing has happened really, in your life: It was only a movie and your feelings were limited to the context of the movie, gone some time after watching the movie. Similarly, his feelings were limited to the context of texting.

-I am not surprised that you suspected him of hiding something, like hiding a girlfriend- it is too easy to hide a whole lots of things when a person is an ocean or two away from you, when you have no history with him irl, when you don’t have any mutual acquaintances or friends, when you don’t know where he works or where he lives, and even if you did, you can’t get there.

You wrote that many of the local men you met were “not who they said they were”- it is way easier for a man in another continent to not be who he says he is.

Also, there is the reality of cybersex, one online definition: “a virtual sex encounter in which two  of more people connected remotely via computer network send each other sexually explicit messages describing a sexual experience. Cybersex is a sub-type of technology- mediated sexual interactions”. It is possible that his sweet talking you was his .. sort of foreplay leading to a hoped-for virtual sex experience with you. Maybe he is a shy person and therefore didn’t suggest it right away.

He told you that it didn’t bother him to have had a long distance girlfriend before- if it is true, why didn’t it bother him to not be close to his girlfriend.. this doesn’t sound healthy.

You wrote that you are having such a hard time letting go because you didn’t meet or clicked with anyone for three years. I know from  experience that finding a life partner through dating locally, in a big U.S. city, is possible. It is about coming up with the right profile, and going about the whole process of dating in a smart way. I will be glad to communicate with you further on the matter.

anita

Dear Tati:

You are welcome. My successful online dating experience was in Los Angeles, a bigger city than Miami.  I didn’t read all of your recent post but will when I am back to the computer in about 14 hours from now. If you want to add anything before I return, please do.

anita

Dear Tati:

His long distance relationship with his last girlfriend was not all that long-distance then, if he worked as a flight attendant on an airline that serves only Europe, and Europe is small- maybe  they got together in-person every week.

Wikipedia has an entry called List of airlines of Europe, including the list of all airlines based in each and every country in Europe. If he told you which airline he worked for, in which country it is based- this entry may help you verify what he told you. For example, Easy Jet Europe Airline is a European low-cost airline that is based in Vienna, Austria, and operates scheduled flights across Europe. Its first flight was on July 20, 2017. Let’s say the guy told you that this is the airline where he worked in 2015. You can then verify in other online sources what you read in Wikipedia, and if the information is verified, you will know that there is a discrepancy between what he told you and what you found online.

I imagine you were quite hurt and disturbed when you found out that a guy you dated in Miami, a local guy, had a situationship, a girlfriend and a child you didn’t know about.

I understand your reasoning that meeting a man who lives across the world may develop into a relationship if the two meet in person and at least one of the people is willing to move. I didn’t consider this because in your original post you wrote: “I don’t think any of us would be willing to move”.

What can help you figure out the chances of him being willing to move to your country later, is what are his  investments where he lives: if he has a stable job there that cannot be transferred to a working-from-home situation, if he has close ties with his family there, etc., then he is not likely to move. On the other hand, if he lives alone, if works from home, if he does not work, if has few or weak ties with family and friends there- then he is more likely to be motivated to move.

Asking him about his plans, short term and long term can help a lot in figuring out a possible future with him.

anita

Dear Tati:

If there was a study and statistics on the future of people who (1) did not meet in-person, but on a dating app, (2) people who live in different countries, and (3) neither has a predetermined intent to move to that other country (ex., wanting to immigrate to the other country and is seeking a sponsor)- I would have liked to see that study, and to know the chances of such contact ending with a life together, in-person.

Let’s say that at the end of the three weeks of texting and one phone call, you did not tell him that you can’t do it, and you did not accuse him of anything; let’s say that you were thoroughly very nice romantic, and witty etc., what would it have taken for this texting/ online relationship to end in a life together?

In trying to answer this question, better address first the “And They Lived Happily Ever After” fairytale factor, one that we read in fairytales, magazine stories, books and seen in movies.  When you think about your particular “New Long Distance Love” story (the title of your thread)- you have to remove the fairytale factor before considering the real-life chances.

At this time of restrictions on social gatherings, bars and restaurants closed- internet is the only perfectly safe social opportunity for love and romance. He may have communicated only with you for a while, he may have communicated with others (online apps have lots of members, it is too tempting to not check.. what else is out there).

What about the time when the restrictions are a thing of the past, maybe next year after adequate vaccinations, when there are opportunities for physical socializing- will he still prefer to limit himself to texting over attending parties and such?

Reality is, you are in Miami, your life is as it is, and better not put all your eggs in this one basket. I understand that you were unsuccessful in the last three years dating in Miami, but there are ways to learn from that experience and improve your dating skills within Miami, becoming successful- all you need is just one real-life dating success story.

anita

* Dear Ally:

I read your post. Can you copy it and paste it into your own thread (go to Forums at the top, choose a Category- Relationships, scroll down the page). I don’t understand the iPhone/ WhatsApp technology, so can you add to your post if the naked photo he accidently sent you is one of a woman in his past that he chose to not delete, or is it that he is still involved with that woman via phone/online communication, or otherwise?

I am looking forward to read from you and reply further on your own thread.

anita

• This reply was modified 3 years, 11 months ago by .