Dear Lis:

You shared that you are almost 50 years old, that you were married for 25 years, and the marriage was emotionally abusive. You recently separated from your husband “with help from this man online”.

You and the online man live in different time zones, 2 hours apart. Your communication has been online and on the phone. You sent him naked pictures of yourself and the two of you had “intimate times on the phone”, but recently he has been neglecting his physical appearance and your “online intimacy (he never um, completed) went a little bit cold”. You believe that you fell in love with him, but you are suspicious of him. You suspect that he may be lying to you, and that he may plan to take advantage of you following your anticipated divorce settlement.

Let’s look at what he told you:

* At almost 50, he is living with his elderly parents and brothers in a poor house with countless holes in the ceiling. He is his mother’s caretaker. He usually plays video games with his brother all day long and into the night: “He sends me .. Good morning (message).. Then usually just calls me around.. 10 pm his time.. He usually is playing video games with his brother until then”, “he got an academic award from Ronald Reagan”, “he bragged about being a corporate attack dog”

* He was married and his wife “died a long time ago”. He “has been with over 100 women in his life and kind of feels bad about it”, “he’s shy”, “he has never cheated on anyone ever”, he “has been celibate for 13 years and has watched a lot of porn, weird porn”, he wants to “come out of (sexual) retirement” for you, “he knows of women that want to take care of him”, “he tried to make himself unattractive.. on purpose because he didn’t want to get hit on”, “now .. he’s trying to look better physically” for you, “3 women flirted with him this week”,

* He says he loves you “very very very very very very very much”, that he wants you to send him a sex toy, that “it would be hot”, and he’s “always so agreeable and says wonderful charming things”, and “he says he wants to take things slow now and no intimacy sexually which really saddens me. He knows this”.

You closed with: “I’m confused and frequently anxious about his fidelity and genuineness because he says he wants to marry me. Help”.

My input:

1. He told you that he received “an academic award from Ronald Reagan”. If you look at www. reagan foundation. org/ education/ ronald reagan leadership medal (no spaces), you can see that this program still exists. It reads:  “This prestigious award is presented to graduating students who best exemplify the following characteristics: Drive, Humility, and Service Before Self. Every  high school in America may nominate one graduating senior for a Ronald Reagan Leadership Medal… Each nominated student will receive an exclusive medallion and a letter of recognition… presented at a culmination ceremony, award reception, or graduation. We encourage students to wear their medallions, take pictures with it”-

– I don’t know when this program started but I am guessing that it started after Ronald Reagan left office. He left office in January 1989, so I imagine the program was established some time later. If the man you are talking about is near 50 now, then he was about 19 when Reagan left office,  too old to be referred to by his high school to be considered to the program, seems to me.

If he somehow won this award, I am sure that he has pictures of his medallion, the letter of recognition and the ceremony, photos of the medallion itself and of him wearing the medallion as a teenager. If he received this medal, I assume he has accessible proof of it nearby and will show those photos to you proudly if you ask him.

2. He told you that he was a corporate attack dog, a term usually used for a lawyer who legally attacks people. If he worked for a corporation in the capacity of a lawyer or the like (something that his alleged Reagan award may have helped him achieve)- he sure made a drastic professional and lifestyle change to a life of a middle aged man living with his elderly parents and playing video games all day long and into the night. He didn’t use his alleged corporate job  income to rent or buy his own place, or to fix the countless holes in the ceiling of the poor house where he lives, or to hire a caretaker for his  mother, nor did he (?) offer to spend his money on traveling to meet you in-person for the first time.

3. If his mother needs a caretaker, and if he is her caretaker, as he told you-  I would assume that he would have fixed those countless holes in the ceiling of the house where she lives, and that he wouldn’t have time to be playing computer games all day long.

4. He told you that he had sex with over 100 women in his life, that he is shy, never cheated on any woman, that he was married and celibate for 13 years- I don’t know how all that fits together, or if it fits.  Being with over 100 women and not cheating on any, indicates that all were casual encounters (?)

5. He told you that he knows of women who want to take care of him- that could mean that he wants you to take care of him financially.

Overall, thing is, anyone can say anything. Talking or typing, as I do now, is easy. If a person doesn’t care to lie, saying words and typing words without providing proof is the easiest way to lie.

That he tells you that he loves you very much, typing the very seven times, combined with other things he communicated to you, suggests to me that he is immature, perhaps not very intelligent, perhaps mentally unwell.

If you would like to, you are welcome to post again and communicate with me further.

anita

Dear Alisa:

You are welcome. You wrote: “All of these things he’s said and done over the last few months is quite shameful on my part, isn’t it?”- no, his shameful/wrong behavior (lying to you, I suspect) is not shameful on your part, it is shameful on his part.

When person X wrongs person Y, it is person X who is responsible for the wrongdoing, not person Y.

“My head and heart are just in conflict”- it is often the case, for many millions of people as I am typing these words, and every person has experienced this conflict. The good news is that this kind of conflict can be resolved.

“He says he wants to visit me here once they start letting people across the border”- I doubt that it is a good idea, and what he says is suspect to me because of the contradictions I listed in my first post to you. One of what I suspect to have been lies on his part, is that he told you that he won an academic award from Ronald Reagan. If you can find out when the Reagan academic awards program started (awards given to graduating high school students), you may find out that the program started when this man was in his twenties, or his thirties, too late for him to have received that award.

Also, if you ask him and he fails to show you two photos: (1) the medallion itself, (2) him as a high school student wearing that same medallion- that is evidence enough that he lied to you on the matter.

“Sometimes I catch him just gazing at me without blinking. I find that a little odd”- it is hard to interpret his gaze; it is easier to determine if his words to you were lies.

“He also tells me he wants me at my best, but will take me at my worst, which I thought was nice”- it is a nice thing to say. Maybe he wants you to take him at his (lying) worst. I hope that you do not accept him lying to you (examples of possible lies: receiving the Reagan award, having been a corporate attack dog, having been married, having been with more than a 100 women).

“I think I need to take a break from him. How do you do this without hurting his feelings?”- find out if he lied to you; it will be easier for you to not worry about hurting his feelings if you know that he didn’t mind lying to you.

“What if he releases the photos to some weird website?”- first, do not send him (or anyone) any more naked photos. Second, if he sends those photos to a “weird” website, I am guessing only weird people visit that weird website, and I am hoping that you no longer associate with people who are not weird that way.

You started your thread sharing that this man helped you leave an emotionally abusive marriage- good thing that you left an emotionally abusive marriage. And you helped him too. It would be too high of a price for you to pay for his help, if you continue a long distance relationship (and enter irl relationship) with a man who doesn’t mind lying to you unnecessarily and repeatedly.

Post again anytime, if you want to.

anita