Before a recent breakup, I was accepting of being a thirty-something year old woman who might be single and childless forever. I travelled alone, had a great social life, enjoyed my job, got rejected by men, did the rejecting sometimes too, enjoyed my alone time because I thought it was be temporary and remained optimistic. After a breakup, at thirty-five, I have all the evidence I need that proves I will be alone forever (I wanted to settle down and have a family), I am difficult to love, fell into depression, reduced my working hours massively, spent all my savings on therapy for childhood neglect issues, attachment issues and PTSD symptoms after the breakup, don’t trust myself anymore, hate being alone and have been left by my friends because I need to get over it. I would like to get over it! I have travelled (alone, because no one wanted to come and this time, I hate traveling alone and have anxiety attacks), done charity work, spent all my money on therapy so I had to stop, tried exercise, stayed in bed all day, tried to go out for a walk (alone, which I used to like but now hate), tried to get a new job (failed all interviews I was invited for, in my home city and other cities), tried to move (it fell through so many times). I don’t recognise photos of me before the breakup. Who is that foolish woman who thought single-hood was temporary and wonderful?! Now, single, female, thirty-five, no friends to go out with (I have begged friends to meet me for a quick coffee and everyone is busy!) so I post in forums in desperation for some kind of contact. My phone doesn’t buzz for days on end. I cannot stand life anymore and find the activity of ‘living’ so difficult and uninteresting. All that ‘find your purpose in life’ talk is lost on me. ‘It happens when you least expect it’ – yes, I know, I experienced that many times in my singlehood. And each one still failed. And now I am thirty-five, single, wanting to settle down, hardly work, spent all my savings on therapy (which I think didn’t work), taking happy pills (which also don’t do much), and have no got way to much baggage for anyone to tolerate. I feel completely unlovable. ‘You have to love yourself first’ – this is rubbish as there are plenty of people out there with low self esteem who still end up with nice partners. All in all, I’m disappointed with myself for it all.