Dear Kali:

I will respond to a few things you shared, and I hope to read back from you.

“We got in a silly fight last week, and he said since hen he has been re-evaluating the relationship, and yesterday.. he broke it off. I am so  confused how one can change so suddenly and go so cold due to one fight”- depending on the nature of the fight, it is possible to go so cold as a result and break up a relationship. For example, if (and I have no reason to assume the following because I have no information about the fight), if during that one fight, you hit him, or called him terrible names, and/ or humiliated him.. then it makes sense that he will turn cold and break up with you.

Here is another related possibility, another if: if you are used to people hitting/ calling names etc., in your family of origin, you may think it’s not a big deal, that it is something you got used to and everyone should. But a healthy person will not accept such a behavior from another.

“I am a shattered person who can’t save money, can’t find a career worth keeping, can’t create healthy habits, and can’t stop smoking cigarettes… I’m in such a bad place and don’t like what I see in the mirror”- I imagine that as a child, growing up, you were criticized a lot, by a parent, or older siblings, or both. For a child, what she sees in the mirror is not who she really is, but what she is told and shown that she is. If a child is told: you are a Nobody!, that’s what she  will see in the mirror: a Nobody. Such a reflection in the mirror is most painful, it does shatter the heart of a child who desperately needs to feel valued, a Somebody, to her own family.

“I don’t know where to start to love myself”- when a child is loved, she/ he does not ask this question. At 26, you are still that child, unloved- are you?

“I don’t even remember what my personality was”- a loving and lovable child, that’s who you were, and who you still are, underneath the false reflection. It’s about finding a mirror you can trust.

anita