Trigger warning: Rape, sexual and physical abuse. I don’t know where I need to start. I posted on this site for the first time, 2 years back. I tried looking for it, but it’s gone now. I’m 19 now. I’ve come a long way, from these two years, a lot of things had hurt me, a lot of things changed me, a lot of things made me stronger, but still there a lot of things that haunt me till date.
All the life changing things started happening to me when I was a high school kid; there is this one factor that always restricts me in my life. My parents. They are really strict and would always hit me, my dad is physically, mentally and verbally abusive. They always hit me for the tiniest mistake and are highly restrictive. And I never had privacy when I live with my parents.

All the things that made me for what I am now, started when I was in last 2 years of high school. I had a ‘friend’ who sexually harassed me for a few months, and secretly hated me(she later revealed this to me). I was this one girl in the school, who guys thought that I was ‘easy’. I always hate unwanted attention, for the introvert I am, especially, the one from men. I used to date a guy, and we were just this on and off thing, but he was a bit more clingy and insecure about me. Eventually, we broke up once we graduated high school.

One of my schoolmates raped me almost every 2 days for nearly a year. At a point, I got pregnant and went to the guy and told him about it, I got hit brutally and was abandoned. All the mental pain caused a miscarriage, though I did not want to have the kid, it caused a huge impact on me. A lot of threatening and blackmailing happened to me in the mean time. I had no one to tell what I was going through. I endured the mental pain, by myself. I shifted to a new city for my college, wanting to start afresh, but all of the pain weighed me down in the beginning, though I never showed that out. I always listened to my favourite artists when I feel all the pain and that kept me strong and made me want to move forward in life.

Things changed, when I met this one senior in my college. He listened to me rant for weeks together, calls me cute and says that he likes me. We do have sex once in a while, but only when I had consensual sex for the first time in my life, I realized that I felt disassociated from my body and I hadn’t gotten over the fact that I was raped. I realized that I can’t consciously touch myself and fear that my body doesn’t belong to me. I feel like I’m a nobody, I feel like I don’t belong anywhere, but this is just the tip of the iceberg, i get hit by this sudden wave of fear and i cry a lot, I fear being touched. He understands most of this, but we’ve been together for a while now and I’ve got comfortable being touched by him, I feel safe around him, but these waves of fear hit me often and I randomly burst into tears. I used to tell him about that, but, now I feel like I’ve been hanging on to it for a while or he might get frustrated and feel done about talking about the same thing for months. I love him now, but he told me that, he wanted to have sex with other women too, since we live in a distance now during COVID-19, my parents won’t support me dating anyone, so my relationship is a secret, and we have different ranges of sex drive. My sex drive has been really low, and he is just the opposite.

We talked about this and we decided that we will be okay with he having sex with other women. I don’t tell him about how I feel about it, but, I am okay with his decision. I feel jealous, I feel lonely, I feel unloved and I feel like something is wrong about me, and I lack something and that’s why he goes to other women. I really wish I could tell him how I feel. But, I don’t want to be clingy and annoying. I feel like I’ve been a burden to him by ranting to him always, and being stuck on to the past. I’m really trying, but those sudden strike of fear and bodily disassociation still hits me hard. I cry helplessly, wanting to be protected, wanting to feel safe. Since that we have decided in this, I’ve realized that I’ve been mentally distancing myself from him, because I don’t want to hurt myself by being attached to him emotionally. We say that we love eachother, but that isn’t too often.

What do I need to do to feel less away from my body? I feel like I don’t belong to my body and I have no right or control over my body. I’ve been depressed for a while now. I’ve been told by my doctor and a few other acquaintances that I might be depressed. But, I feel like this is something beyond depression;maybe I do have depression, but this is something more. I have body image issues too. I know that this isn’t the same, but what am I?

• This topic was modified 4 years, 1 month ago by tinybuddha.