Anita and Rose:

First, that you so much for taking the time to reply. It was nice to get something return when I scream into the ether.

To your point Anita, yes, I feel that I have traditionally “gravitated” toward the loving part of my relationships but kept the deeper connection at bay so I could control the rejection. This, of course, would typically fail and cause me more pain, because when the time came that I chose to reject the woman and end things, I was emotionally invested and would grieve more when the feelings that remained were unrequited. It is obvious that these women must protect their hearts, so why would they give anything more to me once their heart has been broken?

And, Rose, I certainly do not disagree with your perceptive impressions. I foolishly thought there was something deeper there. And maybe that’s on me? Maybe there was/is but, as she once said to me, “I’ve learned to protect myself and rebuild my walls once I start seeing red flags.” I believed that even though I could not make the commitment to her that she wanted, we had built a deeper friendship at least; however, either she does not want that, or she is not emotionally mature enough to have that.

I think the turning point in feeling ashamed of the mistakes I’d made, and grieving for what I thought I saw through clouded lenses, was this past Father’s Day. I had sent her a gift and a card for Mother’s Day—even texted her in the morning wishing her a happy one. When Father’s Day rolled around a month later, I got a text at 9:00 at night. “I’m an asshole. Happy Father’s Day! Sorry, just forget you have your daughter sometimes because she’s so grown.” My ex spent a lot of time with my daughter, so this was a real punch to the gut. Granted, she had begun seeing her latest beau in late April, so perhaps she did not owe me anything more than that? She tried to date two people shortly after she returned home, and has dated her current beau for a few months now, so I do not think she is comfortable being alone and simply focusing on her son.

And perhaps there is a part of her that is jealous of the relationship I had/have with her son? My ex would try to allow him to call me during the height of quarantine but that has dwindled now, which may be best for him long term? My ex’s mother and stepdad still text photos of him just about every weekend when he spends the night with them, but we do not have any regular interaction. I do know a large part of my grief was losing him in a sense and knowing that while she claims she wants him and I to continue to have a solid relationship, she has done little to maintain that.

I have been working with a counselor for a few months now and have focused on the issues you two identified above. I know that if I continue to put in the work on myself, any future relationship (with the right, emotionally mature woman) will be that much better. While I miss intimacy and sex, I have purposely not sought any relationship here. (Un)Fortunately, being in a town of fewer than 30,000 people—in the middle of a pandemic—helps to make meeting someone that much more difficult.

Again, thank you both for your replies. I am beyond grateful to know I am not alone.

Hi Anita:

Yes, and thank you. I will continue to share here as I work to address/resolve these issues as best I can. I want to ensure–as best as I can–to have healthy and happy relationships in the future.

And, yes, I’d say anger is an accurate emotion. While I wish that she would focus on herself and her relationship with her son, we split up early last year and remained friends due to our proximity and truly having only each other. However, I cannot fault her or be angry for her seeking companionship and happiness in her own way. Father’s Day did upset me but her mind is elsewhere and that is okay too I suppose. However, the lack of any true semblance of involvement with her son does make me angry. Primarily because she said how much she wanted my relationship with her son to continue. However, the fact that my ex only calls when it concerns something she needs speaks volumes about my future relationship with her son.

The yelling, or at the very least, the general frustration with her son was the primary red flag for me early in the relationship, Anita. My ex suffers from depression and anxiety, but it seemed so often her frustrations poured over onto her son. He was a toddler, and that isn’t easy, but everything just always felt so frustrating for her. She claimes that she yells/fusses/etc. at him much less now that he is older (he about 4-1/2 now). Perhaps things are better in her life but I know there are moments of frustration still. As she used to tell me, “Thick skin is required in this family.”

And, now, I do not feel my lack of a physical presence is his life is damaging him. He has his mother and stepfather there to dote on him. Now the distance is more damaging to me, as I know there are times when it’s jsut the two of them there when she could have him call. Oh, well.

Ryan

Thank you and I am, Anita. I’m certain that the move to a new town and the pandemic that brought upon the isolation allowed me to grieve more than I should have. I’m certain the FaceTimes and chats with her son only prolonged my longing. However, the past few weeks have brought some realizations that she and her son are a part of the past. She stopped making an effort for her son and me to continue to have any sort of relationship, and she truly only calls when she needs something. Lessons we’re learned and growth has slowly occurred.

Ryan

Anita:

The previous few times she’s called (FaceTimed), she has called to discuss work or something related. Of course, she FaceTimed tonight to initially ask about some pre-K books that her family and I purchased for her son. This led to about a 45-min talk about work, goals, our vehicles, her son, etc. He was on the sofa with her so I was able to chat with him, which is great. It felt good to talk to her–it’s very easy and natural–and she mentioned coming up next year to doing some off-roading in the mountains her. However, she did mention her son learning to swim in her boyfriend’s pool over the weekend, so any hopeful notions were swiftly negated. All in all, it was a good conversation between…close friends?

Don’t get me wrong, Anita. I know the relationship is over and I’m finding myself more accepting of it. There will remain the sense of loss–moreso when I see her son and how tall he’s grown in the 8-months since I’ve seen him. While my ex and I were instrumental in pushing the other to be better, for her it was all or nothing. Who knows what the future holds? I’m not referring to reconciliation, but rather, perhaps I can continue to contribute to their lives in a sense…as long as I don’t compromise my own happiness.

Thank you, Anita. I cannot express how wonderful it is to myself (and others) to have this interactive forum. 🙂

To address your points, Anita…

No, my ex is a very non-materialistic person. Well, at least she was with me. I was very generous with gifts, and it would make her uncomfortable on occasion because she did not know how to express her gratitude. I think the point I was trying to make is she typically only calls when she can use my help or wants to vent to someone. Help in the sense of assisting with her resume or job application, or to vent about work, etc. She has never (pre- or post-relationship) asked for money or gifts. She values time and experiences.

And, no, I do feel I hold any anger toward her for seeking a partner or at least a relationship. It helps to quell the lonliness. She was lonley much of the time in DC, when I was working and in school, so I cannot berate anyone seeking contentment. Especially in this crazy year of social isolation. Thing the “sting” was more of an excitement about possibly doing an “adventure” again–as we used to call them. While she was largely alone in DC, I made sure that we did something nearly every weekend. We put many miles on our feet and my Jeep exploring DC and the surrounding area. Those are some of my fondest memories, and the “sting” came in believing they may happen again in the future if she is single.

I am not going to pursue things with her for a few reasons. First, I need to work on myself. There are things about me I need to get a handle on (depression, a sense of purpose, opening up to others, etc.) before I pursue another relationship–or consider trying to rekindle things with my ex. Second, I want her to be happy. Even if it is not with me. She mentioned that she and her current beau were very open and honest from the start–something she and I were not. Which surprised me when she called a few weeks back, and in the conversation, mentioned that they had a fight. She was vague but she was making dinner and he was over and wanted him to help start the water in the shower so her kid could bathe. Either he didn’t want to or didn’t figure out that he needed to help? Not sure but I believe he was unsure if he wanted to take a paternal role in the relationship. (Not entirely sure but things are apparently better now? My concern is that another man will enter her son’s life only to possibly disappear. And he may not have the desire to remain in it as I have. However, that is something she will have to grapple with if/when the time comes. And who knows? Maybe they are meant to be?

The “happiness” I worry about compromising maybe isn’t happiness at all? Perhaps it was more of a longing and regret that I’ve been working to overcome. I truly love her son and my relationship with him likely caused me to stay with her longer than I should have. I saw DC as a new start for me, and when she showed up, I felt pressure to take care of her. To make sure she had groceries or got out of the house on the weekends. Sadly, not in the time and proximity dimensions she so desperately wanted. She finished grad school last summer and made a good friend at work, so there were a few weekends I did not see her. I was still in grad school, so it’s not as though I had any time to date, even if I wanted to. Any desire for that would have felt, for me, like a slap in her face. Now that it’s been 6-months since I’ve finished grad school, and being isolated, alone in a new town, this perpetuated and intensified my feelings for her. I don’t know, Anita. Most of our conversations were always so easy and effortless–to include her calls now–part of me wishes I could have allowed myself to embrace the relationship in a deeper, more meaningful way.

Ryan