Dear Megan:

I can imagine you being very tired having a boss who criticizes you while you are doing your best, your pug being sick, your fiancé struggling with depression, and your sister being in a mental hospital following her suicide attempt.

Why did she attempt suicide?

anita

Dear Megan:

I hope your sister heals and gets better and better. You wrote that you had a hard life. If that includes a difficult home life as a child, then I imagine your sister experienced that difficult home life as well, didn’t she.

You expressed that you do your best at work, but your boss, instead of focusing on the positives of your work and  praising you, she focuses on the negatives and puts you down. You wondered if she has a hard life and that’s the reason she is bitter. You wrote: “I have been through a hard  life but that doesn’t make me bitter, it  motivates me to be the best person I can be and help those who are struggling as well”.

Some people who suffer from aggression in their home, an aggressive parent, let’s say, identify with the aggressor, making a decision (with very little thought, as it is a quick decision) to never be in that weak position again, to be instead in the position of power- the position of the aggressor. For them, human relationships are  Win-Lose prospects: either one wins, or one loses. So they go about life trying to Win, which means to have power over others via aggression, verbal aggression, facial expression/ body language aggression, and otherwise.

Do you think that’s what behind your boss’s behavior?

anita

Dear Megan:

If she is a Win-Lose person in the workplace, and if there is no shortage of people able and willing to work for her, then she is already showing you that she appreciates the quality of your work by keeping you as an employee, but she will not express her appreciation by praising you because (as a strictly Win-Lose person, if she is that), she is afraid that if she praises you, you will think too much of yourself and challenge her power, that is- make a Loser out of her.

If she is strictly a Win-Lose person, then the only way you can get her praise is if you show her consistently, day after day, month after month, that you are inferior to her, always obedient, never questioning, never suggesting anything new to he. Then maybe she will feel safe enough to praise you.

In general, when you are dealing with aggressive and abusive people, understanding their motives, having empathy for their difficult lives, will not help you in your dealings with them, because they are not interested in your understanding or empathy; they are interested in your obedience.

anita

• This reply was modified 4 years, 3 months ago by .

Dear Megan:

There is no point in following your fiancé’s advice (to stay in your current job) so to make him happy,  because he is struggling with depression, and he will still struggle with depression no matter what job choice you make.

Plus, if you choose to stay in a job where you are miserable, then it will not be good for him (whether he is aware of it or not) because a distressed fiancée will make his life worse.

Therefore choose the job where you will feel better. The problem with the job you are considering is that it involves more hours, but better have more non- miserable hours than fewer, but miserable  hours: when a person is miserable, time feels very long; when a person is okay, time doesn’t feel that long.

anita

Dear Megan:

You are welcome. I believe that you are doing the right thing for yourself (and for your fiancé). You are capable to make your life better and I am rooting for you!

Post again anytime, and I will be glad to read from you and reply.

anita