Dear Stephanie:

I will reply here to your original post on the other thread as well as the original post on this thread. Any further communication between you and I will be on this thread. You shared that your friends have been “verbally/ mentally abusive”, that you were “taken advantage of to embarrassing lengths, from “being told to eat crumbs off the floor.. to  rolling in the mud for 10 minutes resulting in ant bites all over my back”, “these ‘friends’ were literally bullies who were saying the most hurtful things to me everyday”.

You shared that you were “verbally abused everyday” be who you referred to as a friend, “she swore and yelled at me.. told I was useless, a b*tch, to shut the f*** up, c***, idiot“. You wrote about this girl in high school, the girl who said these words to you, who swore and yelled at you: “she had a ‘nice’ side and I was lonely”.

“I never stood up for myself in these friendships because they terrified me so much and I tend to avoid conflict at all cost… every time I do try to stand up for myself I make things much worse”, you wrote. “I.. feel deep  down that I wish for someone to say all these horrible things to me again.. I am somewhat hoping someone says abusive things to me!!! ?!? What’s wrong with me???”

You shared that your father said things to you, such as you “being lazy, an idiot, stupid, useless”. You wrote that he loved and cared for your younger brother only. You shared on this thread that you’ve “never been on a date”, “no physical intimacy before” your cousin to whom you are not biologically related  became “best friends” and “being family”, proceeded to show you nude pictures of his ex girlfriends, kiss and touch you while the two of you were drunk, and “then proceeded to violently spew everywhere to which I had to clean up”.

A “friend from work”, “my best friend who I saw as my older brother”, a married man 17 years older than you (you are 20, he is 37), got together, got drunk, and he took you to a  motel, touched you everywhere “and other physical things”. Later “he confessed that he loves me and wanted to be in a relationship”.

“Now I’m terrified of everyone I get close to, that they have an ulterior motive.. I’m now scared everyone at work sees me in a different way.. try to do things to me..  But mostly the hatred I feel for myself is so strong, I’m so ashamed of myself for allowing it. It’s all my fault… Please, I am not comfortable with seeking therapy at this stage.. I would appreciate your thoughts”.

My thoughts/ suggestions at this point:

1. Within the work place- don’t get together alone with a male co worker, for example, meet him in an office where it is just you and him. This includes the 37 year old.

2. Do not meet a male co  worker outside the work place- not in a restaurant, not anywhere. This includes the 37 year old.

3. Do not spend any time alone with the cousin or with any male family member, if possible. Do not spend time alone with a male friend.

4. Do not consume alcohol if a male is around or may show up and join you.

– in other words, do not place yourself in a physical circumstance where sex can take place.

5. A person who abuses you in any way is not a friend but an enemy. Until you are able to tell the difference between a friend and an enemy, stay away from people. If you think a particular person may be a friend, meet that person in a public setting only, where other people are around. If that person begins to verbally abuse you, move away and stay away from that person.

* Regarding what you wrote here: “I.. feel deep down that I wish for someone to say all these horrible things to me again… I am somewhat hoping someone says abusive things to me!!! ?! What’s wrong with me???”-

– it is possible (and let me know if the following feels true to you), that you have spent so much time alone and lonely in your life, time that felt endless, as in endless loneliness and endless nothing-is-happening, that something, anything is better than nothing. So when the high school girl called you names, it felt like.. at least someone is paying attention to you. When someone wanted you to roll in the mud.. at least someone was paying attention to you, at least you were not alone.

And when the cousin went for you sexually, and the 37 year old married man.. even though you didn’t want to be sexually approached, even though it made you feel ashamed and disgusted… at least you were not alone, and at least something was happening, something exciting.

I hope you let me know what you think about all that I wrote to you.

anita