Dear Alwayswrong:

After reading your story, I am certain that you are far from being Always wrong.

What you described is what I read again and again regarding Indian marriages: the husband’s mother owning her son and her son’s wife and their children. This ownership is often, from my over five years experience in these forums, in the heart of the “Indian conservative family”. It happens in other cultures as well, and it happens in every country, but it is more common in some conservative societies than in others.

Your mother in law owns her son, who is .. her son first, and your husband a far second.

You live in the US, and of course, the times we are living in are generally not good times, pandemic, a terrible economic crisis, civil unrest.. so it’s not a good time to make a life on your own, as a divorced mother, is it?

I mean, in better times, maybe that would be a possibility for you, to divorce this man (who is his mother’s son, not really his wife’s husband and partner)?

anita

• This reply was modified 5 years, 3 months ago by .

Dear Alwayswrong:

I understand. What do you think about the ownership part of what I wrote to you, that your husband is owned by his mother, and that he is  her son first, and your husband a … far second?

anita

Dear Alwayswrong:

Unfortunately for me, I spent decades of life being owned by someone else, in a similar way that you are owned by your MIL. I know the frustration of living like “a living puppet” and the anger and hatred involved. We humans cannot be content being owned.

Like you, I too “do not see any resolution” beyond what you already resolved.  Your husband is owned by his mother and he directs his anger at you, not at his mother; he blames you, not his mother. The best he does for you is to suggest that you shop in secret, so to not annoy his mother.

An independent, free man, one who is not owned by his mother, will encourage you to shop in the open, not in secret.

The reason I mentioned divorce is not because I think that it is something you can do, with two young children, but because like you, I don’t see any other resolution. If you were able to live separately from your husband and his owner, then it would have been a good solution. (You mentioned that your children would suffer if you got divorced, but they must be suffering seeing their mother suffering. Even if you try to hide it from them).

The way it is, within the marriage, you can’t break the bond between your MIL and her son, and get him to be on your side. I don’t think the woman in power, in this context (his mother) will be willing to give up her power, and I don’t think that her son is able to stand up to her.

But if they, your MIL and her son, saw that you are a woman able to live independently of them with your children, then they may change their behavior toward you. People that are about power, like your MIL, is not likely to listen to reason; not likely to be willing to have empathy for you. She is likely to listen only to counter-power.

Again, I am not suggesting that you get a divorce. I am exploring ideas and thoughts with you.

anita