Hi Felix,

I am sorry you’ve not received more replies.  It is terrible to feel so confused and disorientated about life.  I hope you are feeling a little better in the meantime?  I am not especially qualified to help you I’m afraid, just a normal person who can very much empathise with your feelings and give you my humble opinion.

It seems to me that you are already aware of feeling disempowered because of your father’s attitude (behaviour and comments) towards you, and the detrimental effect upon your general well-being, which is not surprising from what you relate.  I felt very similar about my parent’s attitude towards me and I reacted by becoming introverted when living at home.  I don’t know if it is possible for you financially, but my advice would be to try and find the help of a qualified psychologist, either in person or online.  Someone who validates your feelings and can help you to negotiate your way forward in life.

In reading your story, I get the feeling of a caged animal.  If you have ever seen how magnificently powerful wild animals become totally apathetic when they are resigned and hopeless behind the bars at the zoo? Well this is the image I am seeing for you.  I don’t see you as weak or useless, it’s just that some people need more freedom than they presently have and they react to lack of freedom with apathy.  And it is okay to be that person, but you need someone to help you work through your fear that it is not okay to need more freedom, because it conflicts with parental and possibly social expectations.

There is a special place and vocation for every person on the planet and I am sure yours is waiting for you, if you can get the help to dare to be you.  I believe it is very important for you to at least try, because our needs can only be suppressed temporarily, they never go away, so you might as well take the bull by the horns now.  Why extend your suffering even longer?

I hope this may have helped a little.

Juanita