Dear Shini:

“My boyfriend .. tells me that he can only console me if he think I was right. He said I shouldn’t expect him to console me when I’m wrong”-

– I want to understand better, therefore I ask: can you give me an example when he thought you were right and consoled you (what was it that he thought was right)?

Can you give me an example of when he thought that you were wrong and therefore did not console you (what was it that he thought was wrong)?

anita

Dear Shini:

You are welcome.

“for example, we’re arguing about something. And I say something and it turns out to be wrong. He calls me stupid and asks me to shut up and listen to him because he knows better. And I do listen to him”-

– when he calls you stupid and tells you to shut up, he is the one doing something that is wrong. When he calls you stupid, you shouldn’t listen to him. You shouldn’t listen to anyone who calls you names.

You wrote about him in your original post: “He doesn’t care about being kind. He wants to be right“-

– he is wrong when he is unkind.

“Emotional support is important to me and I do expect that from my boyfriend… I’ll.. keep calling him to ask him to console me to ensure that he still loves me”- what is the point of having emotional support and consolation from the same person who calls you stupid and tells you to shut up?

“I feel like I’m asking too much. I feel like I should leave him so he can be peaceful”- I do think that you should leave him so that you can be peaceful.

anita

• This reply was modified 4 years, 6 months ago by .

Dear Shini:

You are welcome.

“Do you think we should not expect anything from our partners? If yes, why and if no, how to know the limit?”-

We should expect a couple of things from our partners and be able and willing to give him the same:

– Respect at all times: never yelling at the other, calling names, and otherwise mistreating the other in any way, for any reason. In other words: do-no-harm to each other.

– Emotional support some of the time: no one can be emotionally available to another at all times, and therefore it is unrealistic to expect it at all times. Share with your partner (not your current boyfriend who is not much of a partner!) and seek his emotional support in moderation: don’t talk to him about your distress at any time of the day and night, wait for a better time when he is not working or otherwise occupied. Don’t go on and on and on, instead: put a time limit on how much you talk to him. After a few sentences, wait so that he has time to absorb what you said and ask him for his input. Make him part of a conversation instead of an audience to a monologue.

When you are not sure about the limit (“how to know the limit?”), ask him if it’s too much for him, and if he prefers to talk later when he is more available and rested.

Does this answer your question?

anita

• This reply was modified 4 years, 6 months ago by .

You are very welcome, Shini. Thank you for your kind words. I will answer your new thread next.

anita