hopefully anita replies to this forum, but anyone else is welcome as well, ok heres my story from the absolute start, when i was 5 my parents broke up, my dad never really came to see me and my brother during the devorse, but i was never mad at him, i was so young and i knew my dad had to work, but my brother on the other hand saw it ver differently, hes always been mad at me dad for how things used to be and still brigs it up sometimes. anyways. when i was 11 my bestfriend/mom died, me and my brother were devistaded but i really did a good job of not letting it bother me till i came to the age where i learned wha death was, and then i really came to terms with it and it hit hard but after about 8 months, i was able to get back to normal, but all of this was before i met my first ever boyfriend, nick. when i first laid eyes on him he was absolutley my type. and to be homest it was lust at first sight, when i seen him something came over me, i used to go certain ways so id pass him, and when he touched me i felt something come over me, but he had a girlfriend, but he was my first real real crush and i wasnt about to let that go anytime soon,so eventually he talked to me for th first time and it was lke magic. he asked me for my snapchat and i freaked out i felt tingles all over my body, but then that same day i  watched him hug another girl, and it hurt a lot but i still liked him just the same. whe he looked at me and saw i was watching he pushed her off, i  fell even deeper at that moment, iwas in awe. so yes, we started dating, and i met his mom, and we didnt move too fast at all it was just so chill, we hung out and lauhed and we did our thing, but then after three months the bad sides of him started to come out he would scream at me and make me apologize for things he did. he would cut himself when him and his mom fought, he would blame me for everything wrong in his life, but then eventually we were at the mall and i went through his phone while he was in a changing room, i read him texting this one girl in particulaar and i knew who she was because hed always tell me they were bestfriends and way ealier in the relationship i caught tem cuddlng watchig a movie together. on somomes snapchat, anyway when i saw this i flipped. he was the love of my life, i never saw anyone else, or noticed anyone else, so how could he not only notice me??, so we stayed together but every nght while he was sound asleep in his bed i would be at home bawling my eyes out, looking at picture of the girl and comparing her to me. wondering why i wasnt her, and wondering what he sees in her that he doesnt see in me, afte awile he dumped me because of that, and i was heartbroken, i went thriug h alot of depression, anyways. after  week of us breakibg up he was talking to somome new and fucking my friends, so fast foward to a year later i finally get over him for good, and btw he would come to ,y house every once and a while and fuck me and then put on his clothes and leave me. it caused alot of self respect problems, so now lets skip to now, i meet this boy at a party, he told me when i walked into the room he didnt notice anyone else from that night on, and i felt the same, what we had was magical, and everyone saw it too. so the night we met, we had sex, but thats because we thought wed never see eachother again and tit felt right, of course we were super drunk and giggly so it wasnt the best, lol but we had fun, 2 weeks later i had to go to barbados for 3 weeks. and every day we talked on the phone, and everynight, and i coul feel myself falling for him more and more and more and more, and the day o got back home he came and saw me and asked me out. we had the most fun, wed party every weekend and just dance the nights away and then just come home and embarace eachother, after the first few months i had met most of hi family, i had my job, iwas doing well in school. i was happy with hiim, but eep down something felt off, something was stopping me from loving him the way i loved my last boyfriend, in the start of our relationship all i ever stressed was tht he was going to hurt me, and i was going to have to hea, so i pulled away a bit, and then when i finally got over that, my stress was tht i was going to hurt him. when i was with my ex there was really no need to fight or work towards anything, because there was  no real love there, on his behalf.. but  now that somone lovd me, it meant that i was going to hurt him, then i had a new stress too, jelousy, the thoughts hauted me of him finding a btter girl that didnt have issues and wasnt always sad, and could judt go with thw fow like he does. and even now after hes reasures me that that wont happen, i still feel it will. about a month ago, we got pregnant and it affected us both a lot but we never really talked about it, and we would argue from time to time, but we would always work it out, but then all of a sudden, or maybe it was just building up, but then i ust felt this sudden loss of attraction to him, i would think that hes just some sweaty teenage biy and i didnt want to sleep next to him, and sex would feel so good so id just ignore wht i felt and closed my eyes. and when i was giving him pleasure it wasnt fun anymore, to whoever is reading this, i want it to work with him so bad. were broken up right now but he said that when i am ready he is too, and it doesnt feel right to leave him because he genuiembly loves me, and let me add the feelings fluchuate, its like sometimes i do, sometmes i want to go home and jus be with my dad. i want to get over these negitive felings because i have a tendincy to overthink but im not sure where to begin, help me if you can, but if you arent going o give me hope, im not sure i wanna hear it, this website is he first one to actually give me hope. i cant be this stressed out any longer, im not eating oer sleeping and my stomach is in knots, thanks, and maybe we could swap emails to have a proper coversation if you think you can help