I should add that, as we attend the same school (small programme) we essentially work together. The lack of closure has made this very difficult. He would occasionally smile and say hi, other times ignore me outright (when we pass in the hall or are both waiting for the elevator, say). When we last spoke he apologized for not setting aside time to chat because he was very busy (for 3 months?). In any case, it was probably better not to chat but I still can’t quite get over that I was very easily tossed aside. He was back on Tinder very soon after we broke it off.

How can some people move on so easily while others are left reeling? I don’t think I enter into relationships easily, but he seems to do so. He probably made more promises than he knew how to keep. Maybe he said all that lovey-dovey stuff as a way to couch his real intention of a quick hook-up because he lacks the ability to be forthright, because he lacks confidence? Not an excuse, but a reason, maybe, which can help me heal from essentially a plummet-to-zero in my self confidence.

Dear anita,

Thank you for your reply.

What can I say? I liked him, or rather I liked the fantasy of him I had built in my head (my mistake). I only learned about his past, messy relationships very recently.

I always say that my relationship with my parents is very good. We are close, quite similar in personality and they are important in my life. That said, I am beginning to see now that that level of closeness might have been detrimental? I think I’ve struggled a lot with asserting independence, or feeling confident to do so, to strike out on my own, you know? I have often needed the support of someone else, or to have someone lead the way. I can see how this has probably affected my romantic relationships to date. I get needy, or suffer from anxious attachment with these men. I would hope that I don’t actually have an anxious attachment style in general ( I know my worth pretty well in general ), but there’s just something about romantic rejection that destroys me.

I must admit feeling ashamed for letting this first break-up affect me so terribly for so many months. I am trying to be patient with myself but it is embarrassing. All I can say is that while he was absolutely horrible to me when we were “together”, before he was sweet and I figured any awkwardness on his part was nerves. Turns out he probably just didn’t like me much at all.

Ruminate, yes. I was fine after a few months of no contact but when classes started up again and I would see him very regularly (a few days a week) it became very difficult. I still had feelings for the fantasy version of him, and figured our breakup was due to bad timing or something. So I thought why can’t we try this again, if we still like each other?

So I think he probably wanted to spare my feelings (maybe?) or just avoid the issue by largely ignoring me. That he seemed to show no pain about it was the tipping point for me and I became very depressed.

I hope this makes some sense. Writing it out several months on helps me to see ways to forgive myself. I wish I could go back in time and give that version of me a good hug!

lw

Hello! I will attempt to clarify…

I certainly had sexual desires, from a young age too (imagined scenarios, usually with characters from tv shows, musicians, etc.). But I really rarely shared them with my peers because it just felt awkward. I was really socially anxious for many years. I feel much more comfortable talking about sex now. And I did get sexual urges (attracted to guys IRL) from time to time, just, I always thought, less than the people around me. This comes from usually figuring I was the odd one out, but I doubt this is so unusual.

Part of me did really want a boyfriend back in high school, but again I was so shy that thinking back I probably turned down a bunch of offers because it was easier to just hide away and do my own thing.

1. I think I mean funny as in, odd or weird. Not funny hah hah. I never dissociated but did feel just unease, as it was all somewhat surreal (first time etc.).

2. I think it was probably poor word  choice on his part, because I always insisted I was very introverted. He is an extrovert and a pleasure-seeker (likes parties, loud concerts, things I don’t find all that enjoyable but I would be willing to give a try), and there was a lot anxiety blown up about compatibility on this point.

3. I think it was pressure to “be a boyfriend” which, I guess I didn’t realize I was doing? I just wanted to spend time with him, but we usually would end up at his house and we’d have sex. After the first time I actually did come to enjoy it, I liked to make him feel good. But there was no reciprocity there… aka I never finished and usually just felt like a sex doll…

4. I don’t have any hang-ups about crying, and i do it frequently since it’s so cathartic. There was never any shame about it in my house, and I know it’s healthy. What was uncharacteristic was that we were in public, and I was just so frazzled that I lost my head and instead of standing up for myself (which I knew I should be doing), I broke down and became very weepy, almost begging with him to be kinder. He was criticizing me about having too many walls up, which made me think “Oh no, I’ve done something to piss him off and he’s disappointed with me.”

5. Maybe so. Although I also felt that since he’s actually had girlfriends in the past that he was showing me how. So when he seemed suddenly so uncomfortable with me (again, I really don’t know why. I guess I was awkward? I think this must be due to the pressure I felt from him, to go so fast from “I like you” to “When we start having sex I wanna stay in bed for like a week.”

6. My parents are both pretty shy and also introverted. This meant that we really stuck together a lot when I was a kid, and even a teen. My rebellious “ugh my parents are so lame” phase came a bit later than most peoples’.

7. Non-romantic rejections aren’t too bad. I can usually forget about them. This was especially bad because I sought validation from the relationship (a guy likes me!) and because it seemed to me to be the start of “real grown-up life” because I had thought having a romantic/sexual relationship was going to be the real start of adulthood. But, I’ve been an adult for years! I moved to a new city for school, live on my own, have taken care of myself now for many years as an independent woman. I have to cut myself some slack..

He didn’t view me as a potential girlfriend, or someone he cared for, he saw me as a plaything. This hurts a lot.

I really do see now that obviously there was something off and this was not a relationship destined to go anywhere. Yes I was shy in bed the first time, but that’s totally understandable. For him, someone who thinks sex is paramount and whose ego I think rests quite heavily on it, this was no doubt a blow.

Anita—thank you for your very kind words. Throughout I have sought out spaces to talk and vent, and it has helped to a large extent. Being stuck around at home (despite practically everyone else in the world being under the same circumstances), and at my parents’ house to boot, I feel like I’m losing that hard-fought independence. It’s a shaky, uncertain time and I am sure many of us are experiencing such “where are we going” concerns.

I have tried dating apps but found them more stress and anxiety than they’re worth. If one good thing came from my experience, it showed me not to rest on my laurels or shy away from getting out and doing things, so I’m dipping my toe into being more social outside of school, so I meet different types of people and I have expanded my social circle. This is a big plus!

I think I have learned some very valuable lessons about not letting your heart go too easily. I tend to be pretty guarded in general but I think I went too far the other way with this guy—probably pretty naive of me but again, I think he’s well-practiced in dealing with women this way. And, unfortunately, I don’t think he sees that behaviour as inherently wrong… In fact, he would probably self-identify as a feminist!

My hope is that after this extended period of isolation, I will be re-energized toward my life, feel a bit happier being me and find more joy in the small things that make up my typical day-to-day.

Indeed! I am really hoping that my high functioning anxiety doesn’t interfere with future relationships. All I can hope is my future partners will be more serious about me. I feel really embarrassed by how desperate and crazy I must have seemed to him… but, there was a reason for this anxiety. I wasn’t being treated entirely fairly.

– lw

Yes! You are so right, anita.

At a certain point I realized I needed to focus on my feelings, my reactions, rather than try to psychoanalyze someone I barely knew, or thought I knew. This runs counter to my “let’s solve this issue” kind of mindset. I am learning that not everyone views the world in the same way, that things I take for granted (push and pull in a relationship, empathy, etc.) aren’t always in everyone’s toolkit. This doesn’t necessarily make them a bad person, nor is it healthy for me to go around blaming them for these lacks… but it does mean they are not people that are good for me, or that I need or should want in my life.

I am working on being more mindful which is a struggle for most but especially for anxious types, I believe.

I am learning to be patient and seeing what comes to me. This doesn’t mean I do nothing to better myself, but rather to be patient with the process (may it be slow or fast).

With gratitude

— LW